The "What If?" Battle

[Ann-alise93]

I truly felt like life in general was improving. Triggers weren't (and still are not) as sensitive anymore.

I've recently spent the last couple of months going from one issue to another until they were all happening along side each other and I've had a mental collapse.

The depression is clear, even to myself. I am withdrawing from others. I don't WANT to see anyone. I don't WANT to put the effort in to keeping up with hygiene, housework, basically normal every day things.

The reason behind my feeling this way is because it truly seems pointless when you just keep copping metaphorical hits from how people around you are.

I get told it will get better. My mind is stuck in the "what if it doesn't?" State. Because if it doesn't get better.. all my energy I am using now to 'keep it together' I look back on as a waste. Especially when I could have just curled up for a week and allow my emotions to ride through and then be gone.

Annoyingly, I can't do that due to daily responsibilities I have no choice being responsible for.

I know what I mentally need. I don't know how to get it though.

[white knight]

Hi, welcome

Build up issues that gather in one period can result in a collapse. I've always described it as- once you've had severe depression your bucket is nearly full then it takes little to overflow it whereas a person without having had depression, their bucket is often nearly empty and when stressful event occur it might fill up, even overflow with a funeral etc but relatively quickly, it is empty again. So their normal bucket can ebb and flow whereas if ours flow a little its a mental breakdown situation.  Hence these people with an empty bucket cannot relate to us... at all!

Daily responsibilities are huge. If we counted them it would shock us , the chores, the errands, the responsibilities. Then the so called easy tasks on a computer that never seem to be so easy. For me the telephone tasks are most annoying, virtual assistants, chats instead of a real human. Thankfully I have a wonderful wife that has taken over many of these stressful actions.

Some years ago following psychotic episodes I had to stop working. I returned home with some advice from professionals to "simplify my life". It meant -

• Try direct debit for bills
• Get finances in order so direct debit wont fail
• Buy a reliable car
• Get a lap dog (we now have two- mini foxies)
• Debark the dogs - lol, thats a joke but sometimes....
• Find a hobby/sport/interest - we took up caravanning
• On shopping day buy your groceries then no more shopping, leave all the other stuff for another day.
• Get rid of toxic people from your life, those that cling, enforce obligations or narcissists
• Drop off birthdays to a phone call only. That releases gift searching, cards etc.
• Do gardening without your mobile phone, many things without it!
• Cook healthy meals
• Take up 10 free visits to a mental health professional - see your GP
• When stressed enter a room where there is a large jigsaw, do 20+ pieces. Your focus will change. Or change your environment, a walk?
• Replace one dinner a week with take a way.
• If poor with sleep consider a sleep study
• Relaxation- google on youtube- Maharaji Prem Rawat sunset/ all is well/the perfect instrument and many others of his.
• Seek a second diagnosis. Recently after many years it looks like I dont only have bipolar but I'm on the high functioning autism spectrum and that make complete sense. Such revelations can be life changing.

I hope they help. I'd enjoy further chats

Reply anytime

TonyWK

[therising]

Hi Ann_alise93

There are definitely so many different aspects to depression and the 'What if I never get better?' question would have to be one of the toughest to deal with in my opinion. It's such a heartbreaking question and given it's heartbreaking nature, I feel so deeply for you while you continue to ask it. Not sure if the following will help but I'll put in out there anyway, in the hope that it makes some difference to you...

To offer a bit of background, as a 53yo gal who experienced long term depression from my late teens through to 35, I asked that same question many times, while occasionally declaring through despair 'I'm never going to get better'. From 35 to now, I've swung in and out of depressions. While 'You're someone who may be prone to depression, possibly for the rest of your life' was an initial diagnosis that was understandably depressing, the diagnosis or should I say revelation I found that eventually liberated me in a lot of ways was 'You're someone who's sensitive enough to be able to feel what's depressing'. It was a revelation that's come to serve me well in a lot of ways while also making things much clearer, in hindsight. Through this revelation, things took a turn. I started heading in a direction based on 'If I have the ability to sense or feel what's depressing, how do I manage that ability?'.

Far from easy to manage, that's for sure. It can be hard based on a number of reasons. For a start, is what I'm feeling or sensing a mental issue, a physical issue or a soul destroying issue? Three completely different categories. For example, mental reasons could involve outdated depressing belief systems that've gotta go. From my own experience, a depressing lack of B12 and a depressing level of sleep apnea are purely physical factors that can lead to a depression. Soul destroying would involve something like feeling completely and utterly lost in life with no sense of direction (being in the dark in more ways than one). Then you can have the combo, a depressing triple challenge. So, how to get a feel for exactly what is depressing can be a massive challenge at times.

The amount of skill development that comes with the ability to feel so much in life, including the good and the not so good, is extensive. The skill of getting the people pleaser in us to take a back seat so that we can call people out on their depressing behaviour is just one of many skills. While 'You know, I can feel what you're doing to me, with your degrading, self righteous and depressing behaviour' can get the response 'You're too sensitive, you need to toughen up', the truth is if we weren't so sensitive we wouldn't be able to sense or feel the nature of such a person. If we wish to have the ability to sense, sensitivity is a part of that. How to not simply feel but how to get a better feel means developing into a skillful master at sensing. You could say this becomes the ultimate goal (coming to our senses, more and more, bit by bit).

Personally, I can feel the words 'Things will get better'. When those words come with no plan whatsoever for how they're going to get better, I sense a hopelessness to such words. It's an excellent plan that sets the direction, a direction that can take us out of the dark, step by inspiring step. ❤️