The Anxiety of Getting Better

[Ricman]

In the last 6 months I have experienced a significant amount of trauma with illness and death of a sibling (the second I have lost way too young). During her illness (and other life stressors along the way) I developed GAD and Health anxiety. I was fixated on my own mortality and every body niggle or pain lead me to catastrophising about my health. I was convinced a heart attack would happen at any moment or I had some illness that would end me soon. I could not function in every day life activity - showering, toileting, cooking, driving, relaxing, exercising - everything caused a significant amount of stress and anxiety - I couldn't even walk to the letterbox without my phone in case something bad happened. I was dealing with a level of anxiety I could never have imagined. The physical symptoms were debilitating. Chest pain, racing heart, a pulse so strong I thought my heart would burst, headaches, pins and needles, aches everywhere in my body and on and on - I ticked every item on the symptoms list I am sure.

But I got help. I did some online CBT and started seeing a psych. I worked extremely hard to help myself feel better and most importantly safe. And it started to work. The ruminating thoughts have nearly vanished, I can do things again like take a shower for longer than 2 minutes. The physical side has calmed down tremendously and I know I am on my way to recovery.

But - and here's the clincher. It's hard to remember just how bad I felt (I liken to when women say they forget about the pain of childbirth because what they got from it is so much better) But forgetting means when I get those anxious days and the heart palpitations pop up or the muscles ache or the tears flow for a while, it brings back the anxiety I had nearly forgotten I had. It's very weird, I know it's way less than it was but it still feels incredibly hard. Using my journal I can usually take my self back and reassure myself that I am better (not cured) and that gives me the strength to move forward. But sometimes this doesn't work. I am curious to know how recovery set backs work for others?

[Step_Twelve]

Firstly, congrats on your recovery. Sounds like you're doing really well.

You have really articulated something that I often ruminate on too. When my anxiety and depression are bad, it's absolutely horrid, but when it subsides a bit (or a lot) I scarcely notice.

This seems odd because you'd think that an experience that pushes the limits of despair and suffering the way anxiety does would be impossible to forget, and you'd feel nothing but relief when you finally get some reprieve from it. Just doesn't seem to work that way though. Sometimes I have to really look hard to see the evidence of how much I've improved and assess what's been working for me.

I'm not sure how to feel about this weird phenomenon. Should we strive to recall what our worst days were like? Or is it a good thing that we can forget and move on so easily?

I can think of two benefits to reliving the pain:
1. Gratitude. Appreciating the times when anxiety isn't in control
2. Motivation. An incentive to stay disciplined with good habits like exercise, eating well, sleeping well, etc.

Anyone else have any thoughts?
12

[therising]

Hi Ricman

First, just want to say what an astounding difference you've made to your life, through facing the overwhelming challenges that can come with grief. You're an inspiration to many.

I'll give you a weird kinda angle when it comes to physical sensations throughout the body. As I say, it is weird but interesting at the same time. Imagine you had the ability to observe your body and in doing so was able to develop a kind of 2 way communication with it in the process; the mind/body communication aspect. Of course, your body's not actually going to be talking to you as it communicates, instead it'll communicate through subtle and sometimes not so subtle energetic sensations. Whether you're the sort of person who's into the nature of Chi or someone who's into the science of quantum physics, both focus on the behaviour of energy. So...

• With a racing heart, the body is saying 'I'm powering up'. The question becomes 'Why?', just as when your nervous system powers up, the same question is 'Why?'
• With muscle aches, the body is saying 'I'm tense'. The question becomes 'Why?'
• With crying, the body is saying 'There is a need to vent'. The body will always release what it does not need, in order to avoid dis-ease (unease). Whether it's achieved through crying, sighing or screaming, we're releasing stress

Of course, it's not enough just to be an observer. To serve our body, we need to be proactive, so as to calm everything down out of a state of dis-ease. I know, easier said than done. 'How am I going to release the excess energy and stress from my body?' is a good question.

Seeing we tend to sigh as a natural form of stress release, controlled breathing which focuses largely on the out breath can be one way of calming things down. By the way, observe how many people you catch sighing. If you ask them if they're stressed, they'll probably look at you like you're a mind reader.

Stretching exercises are always good for tension release. We actually wake up with a little tension already in our body. We might naturally give a stretch for a few seconds and stop there. The body gives us the natural cue to stretch but most of us don't follow through with any great routine. Same with massage. We can have tension in our shoulder, give it a 2 second massage as we express the pain to others and then go off and pay someone to keep massaging that same spot for 1/2 and hour.

Our body is always giving us cues to observe. It expresses itself through sensation.

🙂

[Ricman]

I think you’ve hit the nail with the gratitude and motivation outcomes for remembering. It helps to keep moving forward. I think remembering helps me realise that what is bothering me today is something I can manage because I’ve managed worse before.

[Ricman]

Thanks for the encouragement and kind words. Questions of why are so importan5 to understand our triggers and reactions. The challenge for me is sometimes I can’t figure out the why and then the cycle of symptoms begins. But I’m certainly better at recognising That why and being able to deal with it.

it’s funny you mention sighing. It’s a symptom I’ve always had I’m sure but it’s so noticeable at the moment that I’m only just becoming aware of how often it happens. I record all my physical symptoms in my journal and only added sighing to the list last week. It’s worth noting that list used to be about 25 things at least and now it’s about 5. Sighing I’m ok with. Hand tremors I can deal with but the chest ones are the ones I need to really work on. They scare me the most. But I’ll use my techniques and the why statements.

Thanks for joining in the conversation.

[therising]

H Ricman

Definitely good your list has become shorter. Good indicator of personal progress.

Wish things worked in a way where someone goes to see their therapist (for mental well being) and, after the session, is sent straight to the masseuse next door for physical therapy. Maybe, after all this virus business is over, you could consider treating yourself to a regular massage. We tend to release tension in the mind while neglecting the body at the same time. I'm guilty of this.

With the heart aspect, wondering if this is as much of an issue when you're physically active or if it's more so prone to happen when you're less physically active. Do you have ways to vent the hyperactivity? Bit of an extremely example here: You know when you see an Olympic sprinter before a race and they're super worked up. After they run their race, everything starts to settle down. The work up in their mind and body has been exhausted/worked out. Their systems, with cardio included, can be seriously worked up to max energy before a race. I imagine the reason they can cope with such states of hyperactivity is possibly due to them having learned to master their mind and body. The sighing thing's definitely interesting. Again, with the Olympic sprinter, some of them release a few long controlled breaths before a race. It makes sense that it would be to release some of the body's hyperactivity. Easy to imagine such an athlete would be able to feel and almost hear their own heart beating during such a state.

I'm a bit of a quirky one I admit but it often fascinates me how the body can tend to work in a metaphorical way at times (when there's a mind/body connection):

• Shoulder tension: Weight of the world on our shoulders
• Headache: Spending too much time in our head (to the point of build up and overload) and not enough time venting or releasing. Mental and/or physical workout is important. Hydration is important here too
• Tension in the hands leading up to forearms, upper arms, shoulders and neck: Holding onto something we need to let go of. By the way, hand tremors can sometimes be the result of tension

Amazing how we have the natural thought 'I feel like I could just scream' yet we don't. Most of the time, we don't vent at all. We just live with tension and wonder what's causing dis-ease in our body. Wondering toward solution is what makes the difference. Again, so glad the list has become much shorter for you. Sounds like you're gradually working things out.

🙂