Should I Tell Her?

[Sixty2]

Hi there

My fiancee ended our relationship about 4 weeks ago after a 2 week break period. We'd been together for 3 1/2 years and engaged for the last 2. We're both in our mid 50s and, although we've both had previous long-term relationships, neither of us have been married, or engaged, before.

I've been carrying a few negative aspects in my life, family/business combined (take my word, don't do it!), my relationship was always, I thought, a great positive. When the relationship ended that was the straw that broke the camels back - I was crushed. I went to see my doctor who has referred me to a psychologist. I've had 3 sessions and she has diagnosed me with anxiety and I've started a course of treatment starting with Diaphragmatic Breathing and Progressive Relaxation. My ex is unaware of this diagnosis.

I've caught up with my ex a couple of times and she's assured me that, while we currently are not in a relationship, the door is not closed on resuming it. I'm thinking she's looking to see I'm making improvements in the area that broke us apart.

The last time we met, on Saturday, I went a bit over the top on the 'give me some time to sort myself out' routine. To the extent she texted me afterwards to say that she thought we shouldn't see each other until my mind becomes a bit 'stronger'. She said that, while she understood I wasn't doing it intentionally, I was giving her a guilt trip and it's not a place she wants to be. I had, unfortunately, been carrying on like a dude with anxiety who's relationship had just ended 😠.

I'm wondering if I should let her know of my diagnosis to a. give her a 'heads up' of any repetition of similar behaviour in the future and, b. give her some understanding of the root of the issues we had.

From conversations we had just before and after we split I found out she had seen a doctor and was getting couselling and the symptoms also sounded a bit anxiety-based. She is quite a compassionate and empathetic lady and I'm hoping if she knew where I was mentally it may be the basis of a reconciliation, of course based on the fact I continue the treatment to learn how to manage anxiety.

[geoff]

Hello Sixty, and a warm welcome to the forums.

I'm sorry for the situation you are now in and whether you want to tell her is something you need to talk to your psychologist about, however, when I started telling my wife (ex) she queried why X,Y and Z hadn't been discussed because they were what she was more concerned about and thought they needed to be addressed.

Even though she was a lovely and empathic person she wanted the counselling down her way and not how the psychologist wanted it, so from there on I didn't say too much to her.

I can't tell you what to do, but only suggest you should handle it the way you want it to be and gage how the situation is developing.

Best wishes.

Geoff.

[Sixty2]

Thanks for your response geoff.

I know it's something I should discuss with my psych but I saw her the day before I had this thought and don't see her again until next week so thought I'd put it on here to see what others thought.

What you are saying makes sense; ease into the subject, see how it goes and gauge whether or not continue.

Thanks again.

[quirkywords]

Sixty2, I too welcome you to the forum.

Geoff has given helpful suggestions .

one thing I have learnt from telling people I have bipolar is that I have lived with is for a very long time and have accepted it and I should not forget this may come as a surprise.

l try to keep things simple, and not use jargon. The idea of easing into the subject and seeing if she may ask questions. Now I try to just say a basic introduction and then see if someone looks interest, wants to ask a question or sense that was enough.

If you want to discuss how things went,I'd be interested but only if you do.

Quirky

[geoff]

Hello Sixty, thanks for getting back to us, and can I say just be prepared to talk about what you feel comfortable with.

Best wishes.

Geoff.