running low on motivation and self-esteem

[cacti]

I am having tremendous difficulties getting over failure and unsatisfactory work results. Me being that one hardcore academic who performs poorly in every aspect of life except for academics and arts makes it easy to develop an obsession for academic achievements.

I've been failing my own standards pretty hard for the past months even though I study for hours. My social anxiety grew exponentially and my odd temper has been driving my friends away. I'm worried that I won't be able to pursue an ideal career if this carries on. I doubt my intellectual abilities every second minute. I always am apologetic towards the people around me whom I've been nasty to so I would avoid them more. I can't sleep nor eat normally. I wake up mid-night and cry in our backyard like . Nothing I do seems to satisfy me as long as my performance isn't perfect.

I got another score back today and I am falling behind on ranks, used to be top of the year in chem and bio but currently I am hardly top 10. I loathe myself for having absolutely zero talent in anything besides studying, if I'm like this now what am I going to do in the near future? Am I supposed to give it all up and aim for an ordinary pathway instead because I am just mediocre? I have no one to talk to on these problems as by doing so it'd put pressure on them or in some ways sabotage their mental health.

Now I'm lying down not willing to do anything useful, there's another exam coming up and I can't even bring myself to study for it, I'm just so done, it'd be easier if I just cease to exist one day. As a kid I've always dreamed of becoming a pioneer scientist but now it'd sound like a joke. Is it all inside my head or is it already too late

[cacti]

Hello,

Your words are inspiring to me, I am grateful. The pressure from my family has always made me believe that I can't achieve anything if I am not the top graduate, and now it's like a part of my instincts - to be the top graduate or nothing at all. I find it hard to get out of this mindset.

By the way, what field of science do you work in? You don't have to answer me, just a bit curious.

Regards

[Sandy95]

Hey Cacti,

Hoping that you are somewhat feeling a little better today. It's so hard when you grow up with influences like this around you and without knowing it you develop this perfectionist mindset, nothing is good enough, the negative self talk starts and you are constantly putting yourself down and the fear of failing grows worse and worse. And sadly, the only way to stop this, is to work on it - observe these thoughts, have conversations about them and shut it out (which can be so hard at times I know).

High school can seem so black and white sometimes - like there is only one way to be the best, one avenue to be successful - but to be honest that's not true at all... The only important thing is that you are passionate about something - and it seems you are about science - if you are passionate you will always find a way - and it will be YOUR way. You can't compare yourself to people around you - things that work for other people don't have to work for you!

This might be a powerful lesson for you right now in this moment, and you might be able to learn something from it that other people haven't experienced yet. At the end of the day you need to prioritise yourself, love yourself and take care of your health. I'm sure your parents would want that too. Be kind to yourself. Just because you are not the 'top' graduate, does not mean you don't deserve to be here, or that you don't deserve success and happiness.

Sometimes it helps to have outside perspective, or think about what advice you would give to a friend in this position - because it will show you that you are in fact being harsh on yourself. There is so much more to life than the top graduate position or grade - so much to experience, don't let yourself be dragged down that these things just pass you by.

I totally believe in you! You are kind, passionate, caring and hard-working. These bad moments are temporary and things will always get better. Here anytime xx