Relationship Anxiety, or just Anxiety?

[28_and_not_sure]

I’ve always known I’ve been somewhat anxious.
Pretty highly strung day-to-day, but I’m a corporate boy - busy, high pressure days. So always thought that’s just part of what I signed up for.
Growing up I always strived to fit in.

I’ve got my life under control.
I’m educated, moneys not an issue, I have a good career, I have a close group of good friends. But I can’t develop a healthy intimate relationship. I’m a relationship sabotager. My mind always goes to the worst, always. If they go out without me I think they’ll cheat. If I notice they’re online on messenger I assume they’re messaging someone else intimately behind my back, then to get rid of these feelings I’ll look for another reason to end the relationship.

It’s only just occurred to me that I have a problem. I thought this was normal and I just hadn’t met the right person you.
I went to the doctor yesterday now that I’m dating an amazing guy and don’t want to ruin this one. I’ve been referred to a relationship psychologist.

reading into anxiety, I’m not sure if it’s relationship anxiety or more broadly anxiety, and I’m not sure if I should get broad help, or specific relationship help.

Reading what anxiety truly is, I definitely have it - but I can manage it day to day. I just really don’t want to destroy another relationship with my negative thoughts.

I’m desperate for help. I want to be happy in a relationship.

[sunnyl20]

Hey,

Welcome to the forums, I hope you are able to find some helpful advice and support on these pages.

From what you have described, it sounds like you have got some strengths on your side, including financial stability and a close group of friends, which is great. It is also helpful that you have been able to identify what the problem is and how it is causing you distress. Please don't be hard on yourself though, I'm sure you're not a "relationship sabotager", there is clearly something that has affected your ability to trust your previous partners and that caused you to end those relationships. It sounds like seeking the advice and support of a relationship psychologist would be really useful for you to explore what has been happening for you, your thought processes and to help you feel more comfortable in your current (and future) relationship(s).

You are definitely not alone in feeling that your mind "always goes to the worst". It can be a really hard thought pattern to break out of and can be overwhelming. But there is support out there to help you change this, and you sound like you are motivated to change. Sometimes writing out the thought patterns and challenging them can help you organise your thoughts more to see them from a different perspective. Is there anything that you find helpful in managing your anxiety currently?

I'm sorry I cannot be of much help but please feel free to talk/ask more. It sounds like you are very caring and really want to make it work with your current relationship, I really hope that you find the support that you are looking for with your psychologist. Take care.

[28_and_not_sure]

Thank you Sunnyl20.

since this post I have bought a journal.

I have wrote down triggers and my journey that I have gone on over the last 10 years with various partners that has led me to who I am today. The good and the bad.
If anyone is reading this that Identified with what I wrote in that initial message, I encourage you to also consider doing this. It has helped me immensely. I thought I had hundreds of triggers. I have around 7. It is much less overwhelming now.
I plan on sharing my journey to date with my psychologist with my identified triggers. I’ve still had some rough hours over the past few days, but no where near as bad as I was when I wrote my initial post.

I know I have a long journey together - but I’ve taken the first step and I feel liberated, excited and empowered to get better.

ive Listened to the audio book un-f*** your brain. Post this, I believe I have trauma that I am yet to appropriately grieve and move past. Again something I will discuss with my psychologist.

im excited for 2021. To improve this aspect of myself, that 7 days ago I didn’t even know was a true issue.

thank you again for your response and kind words. I never thought I would need them, but they were so incredibly helpful.

thank you, thank you, thank you.

[sunnyl20]

Hey, I am so glad you are finding writing helpful. It is a really good habit to get into if you find that it helps you and will be really useful in working with your psychologist and reflecting on what you discuss with him/her. This space is always here when you need it. Take care.