Relationship Anxiety & Desperation vs Self Worth

[Lozzy33]

I have been dating a guy on and off for about 6 months. Recently he has voiced his concerns about moving forward as a couple and that he doesn’t want to be with me right now for various reasons.

As soon as this happened, I instantly blamed myself, my insecurity says it’s me, I am the reason he doesn’t want to commit - I am not good enough. My mind starts creating problems and scenarios in my head that aren’t even happening and so the spiral begins. We starting arguing around this topic and as this happens a snow ball starts to form, more anxiety, more emotion and more insecurity is built up, which results in more pressure and more arguing. I start to get highly emotional and irrational as he pulls away from me, which again creates more desperation for me as I try and pull back.

This has gone for weeks and kudos to him, he has tolerated the entire process respectfully. I on the other hand haven’t been able to keep a calm mind, I am erratic, I am up and down and constantly embarrassing myself in the process - saying and doing things I shouldn’t and then being overwhelmed with instant regret and guilt. There are moments when I feel like things have been saved, but then instantly lost again.

Then the worse things get between us, the worse I feel, the more anxious, panic stricken I feel, yet I’m the one making the whole situation worse, therefore I’m creating the outcome and ultimately the way I’m feeling and I don’t know how to make it stop, it’s a very toxic cycle. I don’t know why I put myself through the torment either - the simple solution would be to stop talking to him and I cant.

Ideally if I showed enough self love for myself, I would have been able to walk away knowing that I deserve better. Instead I have lowered myself to the point of begging, discounting my self worth entirely and utterly afraid to let go of someone who has doesn’t want me, have the time for me nor deserve me.

The texts and the discussions around this are still being battled out, but I know it’s not long before he can’t take it anymore and blocks my number.

I don’t know why I want someone and so desperately look for comfort in someone who doesn’t want me. I can’t explain why I behave or feel this way. Does anyone else ever feel this anxious, emotional, desperation or look for love, support and relationships in all the wrong places?

[Paddlepop13]

Hi Lozzy,
Reading your post was difficult for me because you held up a mirror to what I am going through at the moment, exactly. I understand completely how you are feeling and I am still battling it out trying to hold onto somebody who doesn't want me, too. I wish I had some good advice for us both but the main thing that I have been trying to tell myself is that it's OK to sit with bad feelings and not do anything about them. For me the compulsion to message, beg, bargain, say something in a different way etc is almost irrisistible so I am trying to practice experiencing and acknowledging that feeling without acting on it. That is what brings me here tonight. You are more than welcome to message me instead if it helps.

[Here_I_am]

Hi Lozzy33,

It sounds like your situation is quite intense and raw and difficult to make sense of. For what it's worth, much of this can possibly be put down to the reality that you're going through it all right now; their is no real indicator of where you will land or how things will turn out, and that in and of itself is enough of a stressor without having any of the other complications such as anxiety, panic, self doubt, regret, guilt, etc. going on as well.

You're right in the middle of a very stressful and unpleasant situation that anyone would find difficult. I want to encourage you to let yourself off the hook a little and perhaps start to put some of the pieces together. Is it not somewhat possible - if not probable - that your feelings are a response to the situation, and not that your feelings caused the situation?

Finding someone with whom you can be completely open and honest with is a very valuable coping strategy. Do you have anyone that you can speak with that will not feel out of their depth by what you have to say? Many people seek out the help of a professional such as a counsellor or GP; someone with training in the area of mental health who can provide both a listening ear and some direction for the way forward. As far as possible, approaching help with a clear intention in mind is very wise. For instance, going to the GP with the mindset of discussing how to save your relationship may not yield the results hoped for, but going with the mindset to cope with and manage these unpleasant emotions and thoughts, anxiety and panic and unhelpful behaviours will likely yield some positive outcomes.

I can only imagine your discomfort and pain as this situation unfolds around you. There is myriad support and wisdom and understanding here in these forums, and I encourage you to keep talking here if you're comfortable in doing so.

I hope you find some peace soon, and that you can start to see a way through this unpleasant experience.

Hope to hear from you again.