Philophobia? The fear of falling in love

[Sardine]

Hi.

I wanted to create this post as a sort of outlet and perhaps find some advice or otherwise help others who may find themselves in similar circumstances.

To get straight to the point, I believe I have what is known as 'philophobia'. Put simply, philophobia is the fear of falling in love or the fear of emotional attachment.

Now, I am aware that plenty of people are afraid of emotional attachment or entering a romantic relationship with someone to a certain extent. However philophobia and what I have personally experienced is a much more serious problem then simply feeling a little nervous before a date.

I believe this problem has been with me for a while, however I only truly started to realise something was wrong last year when I started getting closer to someone that I had feelings for. There were a few other people that I had felt attracted to before this, but I always managed to convince myself not to pursue them for one reason or another. This time though, I really wanted this person. For a short while everything was okay, at least I thought it was. We talked and laughed together. We started getting closer and closer. But with each blissful conversation the pressure mounted, soon every day I would feel tired like a huge strain was being put on me. Now I look back and I can see these as signs of anxiety, but for some reason back then I didn't notice just how scared I was.

Before long, I had become smitten with this person, still unable to see the disarray I was in. Then one day I woke up and its like something had just snapped. The very thought of this person or the idea of being in a relationship made me feel completely and utterly out of control. For a week I had constant panic attacks. I couldn't hold down any solid food. After that, I gradually learnt how to deal with it. I didnt vomit as frequently. I could go back to school, though I would still vomit every day and often had to resort to not eating a single bite until I got home from school. I was on edge all the time. I became anxious around everybody. This made it difficult to study or maintain friendships. I couldnt even look at the person I had feelings for. All I could do was avoid them. Absolutely anything that made me think of being in a romantic relationship triggered extreme anxiety. To me, it was hell.

Things have gotten significantly better since then. But the fear is still there, lurking. I want to try being in a relationship, but I know I'll just fall apart again.

[Doolhof]

Hi Sardine,

I am wondering how you came to recognise you are suffering from Philophobia and what makes you think it is not just general anxiety issues? I am not questioning what you are suffering from at all, just wondering how you received the diagnosis.

Have you been to see a Dr at all to discuss your issues or asked to see a therapist at all?

I did a little reading on this condition, and treatment included Cognitive Therapy. Have you looked in to this at all? A good therapist should be able to assist you.

Having any kind of anxiety can affect us. I hope you are able to find some help and some solutions. Have you had a look on Google for solutions?

Cheers from Dools

[Sardine]

Hi Doolhof. thanks for replying.

To be clear according to google 'a phobia is an extreme or irrational fear of or aversion to something'. I believe Philophobia would be considered a specific phobia as it is triggered by a specific object or situation (in this case being emotionally intimate with someone).

What makes me think I have Philophobia opposed to general social anxiety is that my most extreme and damaging anxiety seems specific to emotional intimacy especially the romantic kind. Nothing makes me feel so out of control then when I think about actually being in a relationship with someone. The feeling is so distinct. So intense. It feels like I'm going to die. Like if I really open up to someone that person might turn around and kill me at any moment. Just an expression or a touch, talking about relationships or sometimes just listening to a love song can instantly trigger me. The more attracted I am to someone and the more they reciprocate my feelings the worse it is.

This can be seen to an extent in my platonic relationships as well, as I struggle to truly form close friendships because I'm always so guarded, even around people I like and have known for years. Though this is nothing compared to the sheer panic I feel about romantic relationships. Whereas other situations such as talking to strangers doesn't bother me as much and I can do it fairly easily without much issue, except for maybe the occasional butterfly.

I havent been diagnosed with philophobia and I'm not sure if its even something that is officially diagnosed. I'm not saying that I definitely have it. But I do resonate with it a lot.

I'm currently seeing a psychologist. Though, I feel like we haven't really addressed this issue head on yet.

[geoff]

Hello Sardine, can I welcome you to the forums and by definition philophobia is what you have described it as being but it's different than social anxiety because it means you have fear in social situations.

There is a chance you may have been let done in a previous relationship and if not then meeting someone and falling in love with them, means a commitment, giving half of yourself to the other person and accepting whether you agree or not what the other person says they want to happen.

This is an attachment that seems to be joined at the hip, where you go and they come with you, you both have to decide on what you want, there maybe some disagreement or there maybe total joy, and with this joy builds a closer connection, that's love.

Love is so completed and when it's broken it breaks your heart more than just losing a friendship.

Best wishes.

Geoff.

[BexStar1993]

Hi @Sardine;

I came across your post while trying to google my own symptoms regarding "Philophobia", I resonate so much with what you have had to struggle with.. I used to be a very affectionate human- however in recent years have developed a fear of touching people in general/especially in an intimate manner (my logic being -if they dont touch me they lack the power to hurt me). This was how I lived for roughly the past 4/6 years however I have managed to touch people (without emotion/intimacy) in this timeframe.

Recently I have been spending time with a boy who seems perfect in most ways; I have been able to hold his hand, run my hands over his body, cuddle ect but cannot physically manage to Kiss him in the way he'd like "french kiss". I really like him & think about trying to "make out" with him or touch him often but cant override the flight/fight (in my case Flight) response that happens in my brain at the time of the thoughts, no matter how hard I try.

I don't want to hurt this man or to have the relationship fall apart as a result of my inability to be Intimate/emotionally close to him as he wishes to be with me. I have mentioned that it is not beacuse I dont wish to be that close to him or that I don't want to kiss him - Its that I feel unable to force myself to do so even if its what I want/wish to do.

Have you found anything that helps your situation? I have been trying to Overcome/Override this issue I have for at least 6 months (with this boy) & even years regarding the general touching with other boys. I don't know what else I can do except try my best to live out what I picture in my mind & what I want to be capable of doing with him. However am having little-no luck with improving my situation.

Thank You for writing your post - as its made me feel less like I am alone with this problem/battle & has allowed me to understand a little more about what causes it.

Please Reply,
BexStar1993. XOXO

 

[Annajac27]

Hi Sardine and everyone else on here.
I believe I also have philophobia. It started for me after surviving an abusive relationship in my early 20's. Before that I had no problems. It wasn't too bad at first, but I've always been someone who feels things very strongly thanks to a genetic condition that I have, and relationship breakdowns have a catastrophic impact on my life and have landed me in hospital with heart problems more than once.

I've had two more relationships since the abusive one. For the first relationship I was OK going into it, but in the second (and last relationship I've had) I would be fine while I was with the guy, but when I was home alone I started having panic attacks. This lasted for months before it finally got better. We dated for a few years and then I fell pregnant. Unfortunately I got the flu and was hospitalised, but I lost the baby. When I got home from the hospital admission I found out that my partner was cheating on me and I broke the relationship off.

Now I've been single for quite a while and I love my life. I have a great career, great supportive friends, and a hobbie that I'm am very passionate about. But every time I try to date someone I start having horrible panic attacks as soon as I start to like them. Sometimes it starts after only 1 date.
None of my friends understand. They tell me it's normal to be nervous when your dating someone, but I know it's not normal to be bed ridden with fear, paralysed to the point that you can't go to work or even get up to eat. I normally loose my appetite too and drop weight very quickly.

I've overcome A LOT of trauma and hard times in my life, but this I don't seem to be strong enough to battle.
I've tried speaking to my councilor about it, but even just speaking about it set me off and I ended up needing a full week to recover.

Normally I deal with it by telling the guy I'd be happier if we were just friends, and then everything I'm feeling vanishes. No more panic attacks or paralysing fear.

I tell myself that most people end up being alone anyway, so I may as well just stay single. But when I think about living such an isolated life it makes me sad. I do my best to fill my life with things I love, but deep down I'd really love to be a mum one day. I want to be able to love someone and have a family, but the sadness I feel when I think about not having that is nothing compared to the depth of the terror I feel when I think about opening myself up to someone again.

Right now I just want to know if there are other people out there who experience this too?
I can't even talk to my friends about it anymore, they just don't understand