Not myself anymore

[Jay19788]

Hello, over the last few years I have been hit with 1 thing after another, from my wife miscarrieing, to my son losing consciousness and unresponsive for over an hour(still don’t know what caused it)

my wife’s sister smashed our house windows and sliced every tire on both cars, our house took 3 years to build, while we moved house 4 times while waiting.

i think I have social anxiety, I don’t have any friends, I am happiest when by myself drinking and smoking..

My mum became very ill a couple of years ago , so I became her carer as well as working full time and looking after my wife and 2 kids, my boy was born with a cleft and my girl is an autistic teenager(not biologically mine)

there is so much more to add to that,

recently my mother passed, and now my anxiety goes through the roof..

at shopping centers I feel like a ghost , feels like everyone looks through me.

it has got so bad that I can only feel pain now, I battle with myself daily to go to work, I feel like an empty shell, emotionless..my marriage is falling apart, I will lose my job soon for too much time off.

but I just don’t care anymore….

why keep trying when everything I work for gets snatched away.

I haven’t eaten in 2 weeks, I am lucky if I get 2 hours sleep a night.. I am developing health issues that I can’t afford to get treated..

I have spoken with counselors and my gp..

but nothing helps.. I am constantly getting lost in my own head fighting with myself…

garden statues seem to move as if they are real, I constantly think someone is out to get me. Dead animals have been left on my doorstep..

I think all the drugs I used when I was younger is starting to have an effect on my brain..

I don’t know what to do…..

[Meander1234]

Hi Jay19788, There seems to be a lot going on in your life at the moment. I am married with Children, and dealing with issues my children have, my only daughter has been diagnosed with Arthritis and seeing her in pain everyday has been such a struggle as I can’t seem to help her. I want to help my husband too who has been struggling with the death of his Mum and the subsequent fallout with his siblings. I felt I have been the one in the family that everyone can rely on for advice, support and financial stability. Of late I feel like a fraud giving family members advice when I feel so out of control in my own skin. I don’t want to burden them with my issues so up until recently, I just held it in and cried on my own. That was until I started writing everything down. When I wake first thing in the morning (I always wake in a panic and sweating), I get myself out of bed and take with me a notebook and pen. I then sit quietly and write whatever is in my head. Sometimes it makes sense, other times it’s just words. I write 3 pages every morning and this helps. I get insights at times and sometimes I even get inspired. The pages are just for me and no one is to read them. I put them in a safe place where they won’t be found so I can feel free in my thoughts. Life gets too much at times. It’s a roller coaster that is never predictable. These pages I write help me to sort through some of the heavy mess I feel. It may not give you Devine intervention, but it won’t take from you either. It is a gift just for yourself and one that you should give to yourself everyday. Please try this as it is a simple exercise that can give you back your value and purpose. I feel it is slowly doing that for me. 

[therising]

Hi Jay

My heart goes out to you so much as you face a massive list of challenges. While I counted more than 35 individual challenges in your post and within your life over the past few years (some obvious and some not so obvious), I could not help but wish I was there for you, there with you, there making some difference that you could feel.

Meander1234 speaks of the challenges that come with being everyone's 'go to' person, something I can relate to. Sounds like you're one of these people everyone goes to for support and to be raised in some way through their challenges. While Meander also speaks of the therapeutic nature of writing things out, a significant revelation came to me in such a process, 'Who raises the raiser of others?'. Who raises us through and out of grief, through and out of stress/anxiety, an incredibly depressing period in our life etc. Who raises us to set the goals we really need to set, in order for those goals to lead us out of what feels like the worst time in our life? Who raises us to become more conscious of how we tick on a mental, physical and even soulful level, so that we're led to see why everything seems to be going so wrong on those levels? Who raises us to find the best direction when it feels like we're sitting alone at crossroads in our life, while crying in a heap on the ground? Who comes along to act as exactly the kind of guide we need most? 

I'm wondering what your counselor and GP have said about you feeling like you can't go on working for much longer. Have they offered any advice or direction in the way of 'financial support in a physical/mental health crisis'? Have they given you any ideas when it comes to what you're facing, physically and mentally? While I consider how my daughter raised me and my consciousness toward the end of 2022, she suggested I research General Adaptation Syndrome (GAS), especially the 3rd stage. I couldn't believe it, I ticked every box. Pure exhaustion/fatigue, anxiety, depression, stress over the tiniest little things and the list goes on. It had gotten to the point where the ring of my mobile phone would set off my nervous system. I figured out it was the sound alarming me to another problem/challenge to be met on the other end of the phone. The ring would trigger a significant change in my breathing and lead my heart to race. Perhaps the overall process of GAS is something worth having a look at. While I've never faced chronic fatigue, I can understand how some people are led to experience it. I can understand how ongoing extreme stress can chronically fatigue the body.

Jay, I'm wondering whether your GP is treating this as an emergency case, which it sounds like it is. When mental and emotional dis-ease begins to take the form of physical disease, it's becoming serious. Your mind and body are going through hell, by the sound of it. You deserve to be raised out of that.