Neighbour Deliberately Upsetting Me

[Ava]

Hi,

This is my first post. I moved into my first ‘own’ home just over 2 years ago and our neighbours were really friendly we got along great but their dog barking was always an issue. It was getting really bad, waking us all up at 5am, barking all day for people who were home and some of us were having serious health issues and high anxiety. I sent him a message, a very polite and nice message saying he may not be aware that his dog barks when he’s not home but it is causing us stress when we are having health issues. He blocked me on messenger, closes his garage door when I am out the front and he has started using power tools nearly 7 days a week with his garage door open which is right next to my bedroom window. He starts as soon as he gets home from work and on weekends. He also plays music more often and louder. It seems he is trying to upset me. Now I am separated after FV and suffering severe depression and anxiety and think I have to sell my house because of him. I have had 2 DV marriages and I am afraid of him and afraid to go out the front of my own home. I don’t know what to do. I don’t want him to win over me but I don’t have anything in me to fight this.

[Croix]

Dear Ava~

Welcome here to the Forum, I hope it will help as other people have had issues wiht their neighbours too -you may see them in you look around. It is no way to live feeling unable to go out the front and having an angry neighbor.

OK, your neighbor seems to have changed after you sent your message, however are you sure it is all a reaction to you? After all to use power tools all the time might not be related, he may have a project or some other reason. You may be right, but I'd suggest you find out more before doing anything.

Thinking of selling your house seems a bit drastic before you have explored all other avenues. Do you  have someone that can go with you and talk the matter over with him - or his partner if he has one, not to complain more, but see if he was willing to talk to you in a friendly manner. Sometimes people just need thier feathers smoothed., other times they may not realize the effect they are having.

You horrible past does make it more difficult, but if you like your home maybe you can get to talk. A friend with you who is not going to be argumentative but try to be friendly might be a big help. Going on your own with your experiences sounds pretty frightening.

If you were able to find out more maybe the situation could be improved, you never know.

You are welcome here anytime of course, and if you would like to say what you think of this suggestion that would be great (it may not be something you want or are able to do)

Croix

[Ava]

Hi Croix,

Thank you for taking the time to reply.

I do understand it sounds like I may be misreading but there are more things happening than what I posted so I know it is deliberate. 
I also know selling or moving is drastic but I have nothing left in me to fight anymore. I have no joy in my life and I just don’t even want to go on. I have to go on because of my kids, they are young adults but I wouldn’t leave them to deal with what I can’t.

i am just broken and the last thing I needed was an enemy next door. I have no one I could ask to speak to him with me. I’m not even sure why I posted I don’t know that any advice could help.

[Croix]

Dear Ava~

I'm sure if there is more you have not said then you are able to judge it is malice fueling your neighbor's actions.

I also get that there does seem to be any reason to go on - except the kids. Which is a pretty good reason even if it is hard keeping going. It says a lot about you that you have so much love in you for them and you certainly don't deserve what happened in the past and what is happening now -neither do your kids.

I've fair bit of respect for you, managing to get out of 2 abusive marriages wiht at least the last involving violence is more than difficult, in many cases people are so stuck they try to live wiht it -you have separated from that and live your own life.

True, you have been injured by what happened, which is why you think you are broken, however that is not the truth. To make hte separations and hang on for your children makes you a pretty good person.

Believe it or not there are good and kind people out there in the world - it's pretty big place after all, and they can be neighbors, friends or even partners. You have not found them yet, and the world is pretty bleak. It only takes finding one, even just a friend, and the world may seem a different color.

If part of that finding -and avoiding another toxic situation means you decide to move then I hope it is practical for you.

Can I ask what your young adult children think, do they understand and love you?

My life went from black to something pretty good, things do change

Croix

[Ava]

Hi Croix,

Thanks again for all of your advice and kind words.

My kids are just over 18 and still at home, we have really good relationships between all 3 of us, we communicate openly and honestly and there is a lot of love and respect. My son has ASD and is the most gentle soul in spite of his father and the abuse he witnessed. He loves to take care of me and cook for us, I have some chronic illnesses which include extreme fatigue. I always make sure he is enjoying cooking for us and it isn’t a burden, I would never want him to feel he ‘has’ to take care of me. My daughter also has chronic illnesses and has spent some time wheelchair bound but she is doing well now.

We have all agreed that we don’t want to stay here anymore, we don’t like the community and even if we did work things out with our neighbour we don’t believe anything will change with the dog barking or their parties which are at least once a month. It is affecting all of our sleep and anxiety and we all suffer issues there.

I do feel in a bit of a better place than when I first posted, I think I may even find the courage to go next door with someone else to at least try and clear the air. I don’t know who yet but I will think of someone.

My gp has started me on medication which I declined at first because I believed my depression is due to circumstance but because it has not been improving, and because I have been feeling hopeless and not wanting to live, I decided I should start medication. I am a few weeks in and I think I am feeling a shift in my mind.

I do want to add that I have not planned to act on my feelings of not wanting to live and I am seeing my gp every 1-2 weeks because of where I am at.

So thank you for taking the time to read my posts and offer advice, it has helped.

[Croix]

Dear Ava~

It is lovely to read of the relationship you have with your children, please take it as a reflection of the person you are.

As you all want to move I guess it comes down to practicalities. Hopefully if you do it will still be close enough for you and your children to go to the same paces should you wish and the neighbors are an asset -as so many are.

It must have been a difficult decision firstly to explain everything to the doctor (I squibbed out on mentioning suicidal thoughts for years)  and then coming round to taking meds. Apart from anything else it can bring home a reality one may not wish to face. Please do evaluate the effect of the meds, if it makes you feeling tired worse maybe it might need lookng at.

I'm not sure it is a matter of courage to go next door, that does seem a strong enough word for it given your past life. Then again if you are moving it may not be necessary. Even admitting to yourself it might be possible for you to do so I would think indicates a change in you, more confidence and ability to cope with frightening situations - even if it does not seem so to you

If you do decide on moving I hope you can find a house that is level, wiht a minimum need for ramps, should they be needed in the future (of course I hope they are not)

I'm glad this place has helped a little, it would be nice if you stuck around

Croix