My story and no help. And hated for it,

[RichoC]

This is my story. Trying to see what has caused issues for me. My Wife hates me for it. I'm done,

Thoughts why I have changed as I'm told I have,

Previously I was very calm and kind easygoing all the time.

Nothing bothered me.

Did good things, played music, all good.

Had good mates and family.

Job was good at the first job.

All good.

Then,

Left that job to start a business.

First year was ok, not brilliant but ok.

Then it all went to shit.

Fucked over, not paid, hated it.

Drank a lot to self-medicate.

Didn’t help.

Didn’t know what to do.

Was embarrassed felt ashamed. A loser.

I knew how to do the work but couldn’t run a business and make a living.

Eventually, I gave up and got a job.

Failure massively.

Then changed jobs.

Hated all of it they were assholes at this job.

Ripped me off. Lied to me about pay.

Hated being there.

Was in a really bad state at the end, mouthing off on family holidays, seeking help, got none.

It was a battle what to do.

Then got the job at another place thank God. Great day!

Thought yah this will be good. I’m back!

It wasn’t.

Stupid ways of working.

Accusing me of failure.

Hated that.

Was in a real panic about what to do.

Then got a call from a bank offering me a job.

I thought wow this is so wonderful, thank you! So, I left.

Though this will be so good.

Then started turning on me.

My boss didn’t like me because I was more qualified than him. Knew way more and proved it daily.

Then ripped me for a small error that I fixed with no issues perfectly.

Then went to sack me anyway.

Told them they can’t.

They did it anyway broke the law 100%.

Then no job for 2-3 months.

No income.

Applied for 200 + jobs got nothing. No replies at all despite my qualifications and experience.

Then got a job at a school.

Thought this might be ok it’s a job.

Pay was worst I’d ever had in my life.

But it was a pay so ok.

Then I got f---ed over there and booted because old mate coming back.

Worked at new school.

Hated it.

Stupidity of people.

Rudeness to me.

Hated it again.

Then applied and got the job at a uni

That was the best day in years so happy still am.

Very grateful.

Very lucky.

But only temporary.

So have to manage that and apply fast.

It’s hard again and a bi worry for me daily.

So yeah, I’ve has some traumatic shit happen to me that broke me 2015 and beyond.

Pushed me to the edge.

Gave me anxiety for first time in my life.

Depression badly.

Drank to numb it all.

No support.

Very bad for me.

So yeah, it changed me.

But now I’m the asshole they don’t want to hear the why’s. Don’t care.

Oh, and sacked from the band after 13 years of friendship.

Pretty upsetting for me.

I’m happy doing my thing now but miss doing gigs so badly.

So why?

Personality disorder? Maybe?

Anxiety – yes!

Feel on my own – yes.

Feel hated by my wife – yes.

Feel unwanted by my wife – yes.

Feel like be good if I died today. Yep!

Worthlessness 101.

So yeah, I’m miserable a lot.

I fire up to protect myself when people attack me.

Feel like they want to hurt me, get rid of me.

Then I get accused of being an abuser. Lovely.

That’s my story since 2015 to 2023. 8 years of shit.

Some really bad. Traumatic actually. Had a deep impact on me all of it.

Perhaps it has damaged me and I just don’t know it?

No one has been able to help me with any of it at all.

What do I do now?

Go away leave. Disappear for good. That be good for you!

Seek help? Seems to not be there.

Die somehow.

That’s all I got, not a lot.

Never in my life have I had issues with a job, nothing.

Always fantastic.

Then copped a string of it 8 years.

Nasty cruel people.

[white knight]

Hi, welcome

Before I reply, briefly- Its relevant to tell you that you sort of described my 20's, I'm in my 60's now. 5 times I left jobs/people to ride my motorcycle up the mountains with the intent of leaving the bike when it ran out of fuel and never returning to society- a hermit. Each time, days later I'd return to the city and get a new job and the same would occur. The last trip I realised when riding back to my parents house that the country life just might suit me better so I made plans to get a house built 80km from the city and began commuting, eventually getting a local job. I never returned to the toxicity of the city.

So, environment can be a reflection on peoples attitudes, this means all of your fall outs, there are some that you are not responsible for. There could be some that you inflame due to all sorts of reasons that I cant judge. This occurs with some people that havent got insight to how they come across or have a personality that doesnt fit in or they dont act like the other workers like a sheep/robot. 

I also started a small business selling cubby houses late in the year. Sold heaps at xmas time and thought I had my future made... trouble was it was seasonal, only at xmas did they sell well. So a lawn mowing round I started myself but had a back in jury so had to give it up. 

So, I want to mention "perspective" and "action". When I attempted my one and only suicide attempt in 1996 I swore to myself I'd be radical in my actions if any future lifestyle pushed me to the edge. At the time I then last one week only before leaving my then wife of 11 years as I was being emotionally abused. So in effect from then on I caressed my life to not tolerate abuse, not remain in any relationship where love did not exist but also never give up on myself finding my soul mate. Finally I married an old friend and we've been together 14 years. 

The one thing in your post I never did was drink alcohol. I suppose in the Airforce from 17-21yo taught me it didnt solve things. I think you can get you life back on track with action that best suits your dreams and reject people that do not contribute towards your well being. Embrace good friends and develop more dreams. Once you sort out your box called "life" you'll feel much better. A trip to your GP- what harm can it do?. Tell him what you've told us, you might qualify for free visits to a therapist and take it from me- they can help turn your life around.

I hope that helps. Here is a post you might enjoy reading.

https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/staying-well/want-to-be-a-hermit/td-p/273204

TonyWK

[RichoC]

Hi,

Thanks for your insightful reply. Environment is definitely an issue at times. People you're surrounded by, back then the wrong types. I don't hang out with people like that. Struggling today, my Wife hates me, can't stand when I speak, criticises everything I do and say. Won't go cause she'll lose it all. So I have to endure that. I'm done. Refuse to live my life like this. I've seen my amazing GP and will see a Psychiatrist next. Seen psychologits but they just say I'm playing the victim. Sure I am. I am working on me again, off the beer, exercise, play my music that I love. See what I can do next. Thanks,