My Anxiety, how it effects my life, how i feel powerless and aware that i feel powerless to do much.

[byproductofsystems]

Greetings community,

Using the Beyond Blue resource has been something that has been building up for a while i think. And like many other posts, it's how to start.

I guess with a bit of the backstory to give context to the present.

I am an ex-statewad, byproduct of NSW institutionalized care, with DOCS being my longest term carer. In short, i guess details don't matter to me anymore nor do i really find the details of the picture really helpful to focus on. All my life and personal research, meanderings, ponderings and speculations has lead me to i think a vastly deeper awareness of my strengths and abilities, but have confined me with barriers that i don't see difficult as conquering. I just have reached a point where i was ready to take on the world again, full force, determination, aspiration to make it happen. For the first time as an adult, i knew the paths i wanted to spend my life in. But instead of getting help i got doubt from those around me, i got a lot of withdrawals from people due to intensity, passion, wanting to rise above day to day life and achieve true freedom. To be able to live without concerns of the daily grind, how am i going to afford to eat, am i providing well enough (i dont even provide, i sacrifice at the cost of my health). I guess i always knew i had alot of wisdom, strength and life experience due to my history. But never doubt. Now, that doubt has turned into total carelessness.

I just don't seem to care about anything. Nothing. I barely eat anymore, i've realised atrophy has started to set, exercise comes at the sounds of "snap crackle and pop" through my cartilage and ligaments. I think i've developed an eating disorder. As when im alone, even with food. I seem to lack the desire to cook, i used to enjoy hosting for people when i had the opportunity and environment for it. But i can barely be bothered watching eggs fry, most of the time i just crack them and check back in a few minutes. I dont really have the energy to watch them.

I know simple things like daylight, exercise and healthy food impact alot. I know i need to make changes, yet feel utterly lacking any motivation, energy or care about it.

I'm aware i have near no personal life skills, my skill is putting on a mask and convincing people not to look closer. But if you push past it, you'll find someone's mental health in tatters, at a loss, lack of care, motivation or anything.

I honestly wish i could just fall asleep and not wake up, but each day. I do.

[TrailRunner]

Hi,
I dont know if I can help, but I feel this way too on and off.
I've come to realise, it happens more often when I put all my energy into my work to please others. To prove to them i'm not 'sick', that my diagnosis isn't who I am and that I can still be one of the most productive employees they'll ever see!.
The more I do this, the less effort I put into those self help strategies - food, exercise, sunshine, socialising.
I know, just like you, that these are the 'little' things that make the difference between well and sick.
I got to the point a while back that I just couldn't be bothered breathing.

Once you get to where you are its hard to shake the anxiety fog from your brain. But you have the insight to punch through this foggy mess.

Sounds like your still eating- maybe not enjoying the process (and I can relate to this too) but still eating something. Can you make meal choices that are quick simple and no fuss? I resorted to frozen veggies, a big bowl of this for dinner and can of tuna, or bought bbq chicken.

And you mentioned you weren't as active ?
Can you name a gentle exercise that you can commit to every day for 30 mins?
You don't have to enjoy it, you just have to do it..

Eventually the joy or shine comes back to these activities

Take care of yourself out there, you are the only one that matters.

[White_Rose]

Dear Byproductofsystems

Hello and welcome to Beyond Blue. I am so sorry your post has not been answered earlier. Things do slip through the cracks but we make every effort to reply quickly.

You sound completely exhausted and feel you are beyond help. Everyone here at BB is interested in you and cares very much about you. You have mentioned the basic self help activities and they are important. I am recovering from pneumonia and my GP has 'ordered' me to eat red meat and green vegetables to aid my recuperation. On the other hand I am not hungry either and when I do decide to eat it's something I can make quickly before I lose the urge again.

A tip my GP gave me was to buy those packets of ready prepared and chopped vegetables from the supermarket and cook them in a stir fry. It's a good idea as it's a healthy meal and quick and easy to prepare.

Ah the mask to hide behind. Yes, we all know that strategy and live behind the mask until it almost becomes our normal face. It's probably going to come as no surprise for me to suggest you pay a visit to your GP. It sounds as though you are very depressed and need some help. I don't think it is atrophy just yet

I am sorry to read you have been through the institutional washing machine. Although I have not been in that situation I have worked in institutions and have some understanding of the pain felt by others. There is certainly no reason for you to detail anything here. You can talk to us as you wish, revealing or concealing whatever you feel is appropriate.

Having said that I immediately want to ask you about your statement.

I just have reached a point where i was ready to take on the world again, full force, determination, aspiration to make it happen. For the first time as an adult, i knew the paths i wanted to spend my life in.

Can you tell us what path you had decided to take? It sounds like a very important way to you and it's sad when you feel you have no support. Having a dream and watching it fall apart because of public opinion is quite demoralising. Please write in again if you feel you can share this. I hope you will.

Mary

[byproductofsystems]

I wanted to join an institution like Freemasons, i wanted to create a marketing company within Australia and internationally, bring the power of social media to an easier platform across societies, business, personal interaction. Merchandising small and larger events. Help people understand the power of branding and avenues. In short, i range of services an individual can bring both to small business, community events and larger gatherings. Via community outreach and social media.

Model includes but not limited too-

*Traffic / Lead Generation

*Split-testing and conversion optimization

*Products and Services to market

*Sales funnel & clear defined sales processes.

*Billing and Receivables.

*Merchant Processing

*Customer Relations Management

*Branding and Merchandising

*Time Management and structure of daily operational methods

*E-Commerce

*Hospitality Consultancy, proactive recommendations and honest unbiased opinions about how we can improve your work environment and gaining the most of out of your employees whilst enabling them to personally grow and develop.

From that, i was thinking of switching into real-estate in 5-10 years and moving into corporate sales / industrial or international. Leave the agency i the hands of competent managers who wish to access a platform to help grow, and to personally develop in the future and gain skills for their own projects.

From that i hoped to be in a position of influence, networking and means to look at approaching organisations with the idea to help fund, co-ordinate community service infrastructure across Australia. Women's D.V refuges with accommodation for children attached to mothers room, men's abuse center's where we can do group work / refuge work if required. Help those that have been through homelessness or health crisis but have not been aware of support, help them get back on their feet. Help fund community education centers of non-denominational support, help educate both migrants and the community if they wish to engage about the differences in religion, culture, languages. Understanding refuge history, i see a lot of ignorant racism with no appreciation these people have fled war torn countries that have barely had stable peace at all for any period of time. Whilst they complain that the govt gives them nothing. The luxuries we have yet put others down for wanting access too and using the appropriate legal channels to pursue. I wanted to live a life of example publicly regardless of my past.

[White_Rose]

Wow! That's a huge ambition. I would have no idea how to go about such a dream, but that doesn't mean I think it could not be done. You have painted the big picture of what you would like to do and I am impressed. Lots of social justice in there and that is one of my passions. We could talk all day (and night) about the benefits of social justice.

So where do you start with this? I have to say I don't understand what I presume to be technical terms but that doesn't matter. If you know what you are doing that's all that matters. So how do you start on a project like this?

At this stage, if you are going to realise your dream, I heartily suggest you get yourself well again. Any job takes lots of energy and building a business takes even more. Go and see your GP and get any help you need. Although I said you sound depressed this is not necessarily so, I am not a doctor. You do need to manage your anxiety which could easily sabotage your ambitions.

Maybe you can do both at once. Starting work will make you feel better and eating/exercise etc will give you the energy to continue working. Please keep in touch here as I am very interested in your progress.

Mary

[Croix]

Dear Byproductofsystems~

I'm amazed at the breath of your ambitions. It looks like you have thought a great deal about many shortcomings in the world and have tried to develop a strategy to fix them all. I guess this is something most right-minded people would wish to do.

At the same time you say I know i need to make changes, yet feel utterly lacking any motivation, energy or care about it.

Well I would think that faced with such mountain of tasks anyone could be utterly overwhelmed. May I ask if you are currently under treatment for depression or anxiety or some other illness? I'm not trying to be nosy, just wanting to give the best responses possible, and knowing your circumstances would be a help.

I know you talked about living behind a mask, something many people do. It may seem necessary, but does have a big downside, taking much effort and also makes for a feeling of isolation and often feelings of lack of self-worth.

Is there anyone in you life you can talk with, who cares and would support you? A friend can be a great thing.

Croix

[byproductofsystems]

I see my Psychiatrist of 23 years on and off, distance between us and the last year of mental health has really made visiting him a pain and when i don't go for some reason, even though he's fine with it and understands. I feel like i've wasted his time, his energy when he could of helped someone else so i withdraw further.

I also see a D&A counselling service though not for addiction, for anger management as i'm becoming volatile. In the "good" areas. But still volatile and very angry. I'm not a physical threat, but i can't let things slide anymore. I see society looking down or reaching for their phones to post to social media too much, rather than actively getting involved at the time and stopping something socially abhorrent. Sometimes those at the scene have to react, emergency services will only arrive in time to "assist the victim" after the damage is done.

At present, not alot. I struggle to finish the last touch up bits to my resume so i can re-enter the work force and at least have a day job to get out too and get me focused again, its literally 5minutes from complete. Yet i can't be bothered finding the software to edit the last bit as its a different than usual format and converting to .docx plays around with the template and lay out.

Also trying to find a freemason to talk to for guidance about potentially joining them.

And i was rather fond of it also.

[Croix]

Dear Byproductofsystems~

It's something a lot of people feel, I've felt it too, that I'm wasting the pshrink's time he could better spend with others The thing is I feel this way when I'm depressed and down. When things get better I realize firstly that without the visits I might have been worse longer, and secondly I'm worth the time.

I'm impressed you are dealing with the anger before it becomes too bad, that sounds most encouraging. I also agree many in society are very wrapped up in themselves and are not community minded, you only have to look at the aging membership of the service clubs and organizations to see that.

Is reformatting the resume a really big task? I think you were spot on saying having a job is mentally beneficial. When I was in crisis I eventually studied and then worked as a result. Both made all the difference giving me identity, structure and accomplishment.

I know you have no motivation at the moment, but is there anything, even something tiny, you would enjoy?

Croix

[White_Rose]

Hello Byproductofsystems

I have left an answer for you on your other thread.

Yes, it's something we all struggle with, am I worthy. I think we are all worthy though we are all different. It is a basic human need to belong and when we feel not good enough it really messes with our respective heads. Can you resume your visits to the psychiatrist? I think that someone you know to talk to would be helpful. Excuse my ignorance but what is a D&A counselling service? No skip that I just worked it out. Must be time for coffee.

Anger management! That's a biggy as I have found out. What is really irritating so that usually I blow my top over small things. I guess it's because I don't see it coming, whereas in a huge event I am usually prepared. Now there's a lesson for me. Of course being in a depressed state doesn't help much. I have to remember that when I'm having a bad day I need to watch my tongue. It's not the other person's fault I feel like crap.

I have to agree with Croix about finding something that interests you and doing it. However you are making the effort to write in here and that can be difficult. So you can get something done. Way to go Byproductofsystems.

Ah motivation. Sometimes that word alone will make me want to crawl back to bed. Still, if you can look at anything in the light of it moving your career forward or just for enjoyment it may help.

Mary