Intrusive thoughts interfering with memory?? *Trigger warning - self harm*

[Screamyspice]

Hi, first time poster here as my mental state has taken a hit ahahaha.
So my girlfriend and I have been together for 9 months and I have no doubt she is the one I want to marry. We have had a couple of obstacles due to me not thinking of things I should have been upfront about and clear initially that I thought of way later which lead to more hurt for my girlfriend (I hope this makes sense).
I have discovered i have a problem with stuffing up or hurting people i care about, as when these problems arose it did lead to self harm because I couldn't cope with the fact that I had hurt the one I love. Now, since promising I'm never gonna keep anything from her and try to think of anything I should make clear nothing has come up. Until intrusive thoughts of things that would hurt her started coming up and at first I could just shake them off. But one stuck and got progressively worse - that I watched porn while we were doing long distance in the first couple weeks of our relationship. Now this might not seem like a big deal but this is a boundary of hers as she has dealt with abusive relationships where she was with someone with a porn addiction. SO
I know I wouldn't do anything to hurt her, and I am 100% set on being completely honest with her... so this thought made me real uncomfortable because of the 'what if that happened '
It has gotten to the point where I'll have moments i believe I actually did it but then after a while im back to thinking about how ridiculous that is.

Does anyone else experience anything like this? It is causing some stress for my partner as I've told her about my problem and its worrying her that I did actually do it and am covering it up

Pls talk it up, zero judgement from me❤

[Katyonthehamsterwheel]

Hey there

Welcome to the forums. It's a friendly place where you can chat without judgement. Sorry you're experiencing some relationship difficulties. Our minds can be pretty complex.

It sounds like some past experiences have you walking on egg shells a bit, trying to make sure you get things right. Does this sound correct?

One of the things you could do is to journal. Sometimes by writing things out (kind of like you have here) you can make better sense of things and how to move forward. Alternatively, you could try relationship counselling. This might sound extreme, but a third party to work complicated things through can be pretty helpful in getting things back on track.

Also - given you've mentioned self-harm and your mental health not being great at the moment, I wonder if you have considered talking to someone? The Beyond Blue helplines are really great, and can direct you to someone in your area. Otherwise you can make an appointment with your GP.

Either way - good on you for posting here, AND for wanting to be honest with your partner - honesty is a fantastic trait in a person.

Best, Katy

[Truc]

Hi Screamyspice
i think almost any one could come across the similar problem you are having now when it comes to honesty and and stuffing up, in my case the main thing i promise myself that i would try the best to not hurt my girlfriend, it is hard to be absolutely not hurting her, because sometimes things slipped out without our intention, I think making others hurt is different from being honest, we can lie and make people hurt at the same time do you think so ?, because my top priority is not to make my girlfriend get hurt, therefore sometimes something i will not tell her, because i know it may hurt her, so to consider, is it a lie ? No i suppose, it is just a silence and i think sometimes its helpful, also, lying I would not consider it is bad all the times, if I want to surprise my girlfriend on her birthday i think i should lie, my lie is not getting her hurt but instead may lead to a happy ending actually, so i think getting hurt and lying and honesty are actually different things. So i think what is your priority ? Mine is not to make my girlfriend hurt. I hope it is useful.