I need a place to offload all the stuff that i am carrying at the moment

[sera]

Hello and thank you for all,

It is difficult to get your thoughts down on the page when you are anxious and depressed. You lose your assertiveness and ability to say what you what to say. 

I'm Nick, guy who is middle age, and I have a diagnosis of social anxiety and depression, from my early 20s. 

I've just started a teaching placement which will go until the end of May, 4 days a week. Today is the second day and I've called in sick, but I'm not. I get stressed, emotional and anxious in any new situation, not just this one. I am very sensitive to criticism, and I have a history of getting fired from jobs, because of non-attendance and making mistakes. I feel deflated and sometimes will start crying when I think about my life.

Luckily, I have a great Mum and Dad, brother and sister-in-law. My parents are both in their 80s, so I take this into account when talking about my mental health. To be clear, I will talk to them, and they will notice, when I am not well, but I think about their health and worry. 

The medication I take 'seems' to work at times, but my mood can be volatile and I don't deal well with criticism. I have used CBT to work through things, but it is not enough. I am not bipolar, I don't exhibit manic behaviours.

I am not sure what else to say, as I feel sluggish in my thoughts, and want to rest now.

I appreciate those who have read what i have had to say, and hope you are ok.

Nick 

[TimO]

Get well Nick, face those battles and work through the problems, would suggest talking to someone in your peer group at work also

[therising]

Hi Nick

I feel for you so much, I really do. I'm not sure which one's harder to live with, the inner critic or the inner stresser. They can both be brutal at times, that's for sure.

As a 53yo gal who's accumulated an extensive library of self help books over the decades, I'd have to say amongst my top 5 would be 'Insanely Gifted: Turn Your Demons Into Creative Rocket Fuel', by Jamie Catto. Catto himself experienced terrible anxiety as a young man, which led to severe depression. He shares what came to change his life, which involves how to manage the facets of us that can make our life feel like hell on earth at times (those so called 'inner demons'). 

With our inner stresser sounding like 'There's no way you're going to be able to cope with this. It's all going to go wrong' and our inner critic occasionally sounding like 'You're hopeless. This is just another example of how hopeless you actually are', together, they can sound and feel like a tag team that can lead to a downward spiral. When our inner demons get us to start creating lists in our head, this is where it becomes even more depressing. The inner critic: 'This is just like the time where you... and the time you... Think about all the times you failed at stuff like this, like when you were 10, 16, 20, 25 and 40 years old. Actually you were like this pretty much through the whole of your 20s. You were hopeless. Think about all those times'. With each memory triggered, the list grows. In it's extreme, the inner critic can sound and feel harsh, brutal and depressing. If there's one thing that's definitely going to bring our inner critic to life in such a way, it's external criticism. External criticism can be a major trigger.

There are also facets in us that have not yet been brought to life. Whether it be through a lack of consciousness/awareness (of them), a lack of skill development and practice, a lack of freedom to bring them to life or something else, when some of them come to life it's a major game changer.

I think life can be much tougher for sensitive people, those who can sense more easily and more deeply than most. When we can sense what brings us down or raises us, when we can sense deeply challenging and inspiring inner dialogue, sense our nervous system being triggered, sense the need to care for others and sense so much more, life becomes and intensely emotional experience. How to manage that energy in motion that we can feel within our self would have to be the ultimate challenge. Insensitive people have it so much easier, in my opinion. 🙂

[sera]

Thanks

[sera]

Thanks timO

[Whatsinaname]

Hi Nick,

I am a similar age I'd guess and had my first panic attach in my early 20s. GAD has been my life since, probably always was on some level to be honest.

I just want you to know that you've been through this before and you will get through this again. It sucks, trust me I know, but you will!

I also wanted to touch on therisings post. "Insensitive people have it so much easier, in my opinion." This is something I contemplate a lot. There are days I loooong to not care what others thinks, or what I think to be fair 😂

Anyway, I hope you're feeling a little better today Tim.

[sera]

Thanks for reaching out, appreciate it.

Nick

[sera]

An update: things have gotten worse since I first posted. I have been calling in sick everyday to something related to my studies, which I need to complete to finish the course. I have 12 days left at a placement. I have contacted my teachers at school to let them know how I haven't been coping. They are sympathetic and said that I could make an appointment to see a counsellor at school, which I have done. They would like me to complete the course as I am so close, and it would be a shame if I didn't. The anxiety paralyses me. I have a job lined up for next month, but at the moment, feel like I don't want to do it. I am staying home by myself doing very little and feeling rubbish. I hate lying to my Mum about my absence - I told her about 1 day off, but not 3 - because she is elderly and doesn't deserve it. She is very caring and supportive, and has been there for me for decades of mental illness and its effects. 

Being social anxious, I rationalise that all the time i have to myself, because I call in sick, is wonderful, like a holiday. But it isn't, I sleep a lot, get more anxious and gloomy about life. And then the time comes where I do need to go in. 

I have spent long periods of time in my life at home, isolating myself, because I was unemployed or if employed, then calling in sick everyday. 

Thank you, Nick

[across_the_universe]

Hi Nick,

Mate- sound like that anxiety beast is getting outta control. You should absolutely finish that study- but right now it sounds like you need to take a break, and focus on your health. As someone who is a MH professional and lugging around hefty PTSD and depression, I sense from your post that what you are doing is not working right now- so its time to go make some changes with your GP or specialist. It also sounds like uni is pretty supportive; can you maybe reduce the study time fraction, reschedule the placement or make it part time? Anxiety is a very legitimate health issue just like anything physical, so maybe chat to your GP about writing a supporting letter to the course supervisor about whats going on for you. 

And hey- time off because anxiety is kicking your butt is not a holiday!! It truly sucks! Don't give that anxiety another reason to feel guilty, you are doing the best you can to deal with a health crisis. I find that the best way to get through those kind of days is to schedule a few activities, just like I'd schedule antibiotics if I had a chest infection or some such. For instance: I can vegetate in bed until 10am, then I have to get up and check on my pets for half an hour. Then I can laze on the couch, but I have to spend 20 minutes out in the garden at 12:30. 

Don't forget to do the basics- shower, eat half decent food, and even do some little task that makes you feel like you have achieved a goal (clearing the kitchen bench works for me).

This wont be forever, even if it feels like it.

Steph

[Annas1]

Hello Nick,

thank-you for being so candid with what is happening in your life and how you are feeling at the moment. I recognise myself in your description in many ways.

I too understand that lacking assertiveness and the inner confidence to express my needs effectively is an ongoing challenge when I'm feeling stressed, anxious and low. In fact, this very scenario is playing out for me at the moment too. What I would like to bring to the current bout of stress and low self-esteem I am feeling is both compassion for myself - this truly is hard and I am struggling - and an attitude of non-judgement. It doesn't mean that I am hopeless, tiresome, pitiful or disappointing as a person when I feel this way. I need to 'get over' these unkind misconceptions. I need to lose the shame I tend to hold when all these feelings arise. There's no shame in feelings.

I think our friend therising has noticed something very useful about the worrying mind - it is a caring and perceptive mind that is difficult to tone down or tune off. I notice this in myself and think we might need to bring a bit of logic here and work out whether the issue, person, need that is occupying my mindspace is in fact my responsibility or someone else's. Establishing what's mine to manage is a useful first step.

In your context, your responsibility is your wellbeing/health and your placement commitments. In that order. The advice below of liaising with your department to work out a reasonable adjustment to your placement requirements is spot on. You may need some time to work with a counsellor, you might be able to defer or spread out the placement period to make it more manageable. There will be options and you should seek them. I say this now knowing that this would have been a very good option for me when I was struggling with anxiety, shame and depression at work but felt that there were no avenues to staying employed. Advocate for yourself because you are entitled to have accommodations made to address your needs.

This won't mean that the path forward will be easy or anxiety-free. But it will be acheivable and you will grow your self-compassion and self-honesty at the same time.

I wish you well and look forward to your update.

Annas1