I keep ruminating on everything that I've done wrong

[Guest_43844093]

Hi, thanks for reading. 

I'm a 26 year old student in a pretty intense postgraduate course. I had to move interstate for this course.  The course is pretty small, and we do all our classes together, so we're with each other all day every day. It's very insular. 

 I find that people here are lot more judgemental. I don't fit in. Back home, I had lots of friends, and my mental health was pretty ok. I suffered from severe social anxiety and depression as a child/teen, but I got mostly better after years of therapy, medication, and some hospital treatment.

I have managed to make some friends, but lately I get the feeling that no-one in the course likes me. I rarely get invited to things. I think that the situation had been stressful because it's taking me back to when I had really severe social anxiety back in high school. I was bullied a lot in primary school, and excluded a lot in high school, not invited to things, and I felt like no-one really like my company. Once I left high school and went to uni, I eventually made new friends who I had a lot more in common with and who liked me for me. I'm still in contact with my friends back home, but it's hard to catch up with each other with the distance.

I still have two years left in this course. I'm starting to hate my life in this new city. I hate being left out by people in my course. The frustrating thing is that I don't even like most of them, I just don't like being left out. I feel like there must be something wrong with me. This has caused me to feel really anxious, which in turn has caused me to feel really depressed.

I can't stop ruminating on silly social mistakes that I've made. I have a habit of accidentally blurting out stupid things and it's really embarrassing, especially in class in front of everyone. I keep thinking about all the stupid things that I've done and how everyone in my course thinks I'm a freak. I'm starting to feel like I don't deserve to be in my course. I also feel ashamed for getting unwell again, given that I was previously doing really well mentally. I'm on edge and cry all the time, especially if I make a stupid mistake, then I just think about it over and over. I'm struggling to go to the social things I do get invited to, because I'm so worried about looking stupid or people not wanting to talk to me.

Does anyone have any tips for breaking the cycle of these ruminating thoughts? It's been so long that I think I've forgotten all the things that used to help me when I was younger.

[Sophie_M]

Hello and thank you so much for sharing your story with our community - it is certainly one that many people can relate to! 

It must be very challenging to feel like you don't fit in within your new environment, and it must be even harder given your experiences growing up. How you are feeling is perfectly understandable, which is why this part of you deserves extra nurturing and compassion right now. 

It makes sense that you would be feeling extra hypervigilant about the things you are saying and doing in a place where you feel like you have to work hard to 'fit in'. These thoughts and fears can feel so real, especially because the brain will naturally find evidence to prove that our fears are correct. This is something our clever minds do to 'protect us' from the unknown and to give as a sense of control. However, it isn't overly helpful for keeping us happy and calm, is it? 

The reality is that things are not so black and white, and most of our answers usually lie within shades of grey. The key to working through some of these more overwhelming thoughts is by sitting with the uncomfortable feelings of uncertainty and building a sense of inner-trust by regulating the nervous system. When we are more regulated, our attachment to feelings and thoughts shift, and allow us to see things through a more grey filter. It's important to remember that we aren't fully connected to ourselves when we are dysregulated, but more so, a part of ourselves that is feeling very afraid. And that part doesn't always have access to the whole picture! 

For example, when you are feeling soothed or calm in the body, can you get curious about some of these beliefs? Do you notice that there is more room for nuance? For other possibilities to be a factor? 

We encourage you to journal about some of these beliefs when you are feeling anxious, and then again when you are feeling grounded, to notice the differences at play! You can find some regulating strategies here: Your best strategy for anxiety in the moment. Lots... - Beyond Blue Forums - 599708

We also encourage you to revisit the idea of counselling when you feel ready, so you have someone to discuss all of this with in more depth. You sound like a wonderful person with so much to give to a friendship. It might be hard to believe this now, but over time, with the right support - it will become easier. Perhaps you could start with exploring some hobbies outside of your uni too? This may help you to meet 'your people' and remind you that there are so many wonderful connections to be made, outside of your immediate circle. 

Wishing you all the best and please let us know how you go!

Warmest regards, 
Sophie M. 

[Spider-girl]

I can see you and what you're going through. While I've only graduated high school recently I can tell you right now that feeling excluded by other people and being isolated all the time was something I had to bear with as well. 
For me, my thoughts of what other people think of me never disappeared. I've spouted out stupid stuff and acted like a real weirdo unintentionally because social anxiety made me very impulsive when I spoke. What has helped me cope at most was knowing that while I will always remember the dumb things I did, the majority of the people around me in those moments will forget about it in a week or even a day. So in the end, the only one holding the memory and guilt is me. And instead of thinking "Why did I do that dumb thing" I can think "Lucky I've learned from doing that dumb thing" because, in the end, it's better to take mistakes as a way to study yourself than to use mistakes as a way to bring yourself down by guilt.

I'm being honest here, I have not figured out a way to get people to involve me in things. I certainly tried by trying to act like anyone but myself to see if maybe I blended in enough that they'd let me in. I did get close to a group I wanted to be a part of (mainly because they seemed so cool on the surface) but in the end, I was miserable around them, and they weren't good people to me. In my experience I stopped trying to be a part of groups that didn't appear to like me and focussed on finding validation elsewhere, it was not worth the constant overwhelming thoughts of what they think and how I must act around my classes just to "possibly" be included by them.

When I found myself at a dead-end in social life I forced myself into signing up for things that would bring me out of my comfort zone and hand me a bit of confidence. This advice sort of varies on what suites the person, but for me, I got into performances (High school musicals were a big step up for me), did small-talk with strangers I walked past or stood beside at check-outs, just things that helped me constantly train myself daily on the basic mannerisms, probably more than half of my social skills come from copying other people. I won't deny it, I hated doing it at first and wanted to give up because sometimes it felt like I was only making myself more awkward. Yet over time (for about six months to a year of trying), I started realising I was becoming more natural to conversations and was building confidence I didn't even know I had. 

I'm not sure if what I had to say will help you out but know that what you are feeling is totally valid and no matter if you choose to complete your course or not is perfectly okay. Because it's all about whether your choice is what you think is physically/emotionally/mentally best for yourself and not what's best for others.