I have wasted so much

[EmiJ]

I am writing this because I have hit an incredibly low point.

I am 31 and feel like I have destroyed myself and wasted so much time. I have thrown away some great opportunities and just seem to set myself up for the same failure every time I try to improve myself.

It’s just getting to the point where it is now pitiful and it gets worse when you think that your problems are nothing compared to some people’s.

None of my coping mechanisms seem to be working and I honestly hate myself and grieve constantly for the person I could have been if I wasn’t such a comfort bubble self pitying coward.

[Aussie.Girl]

Hi EmiJ, I'm a little younger than you (late twenties) but I relate to the feelings you're describing. 

Please don't beat yourself up for not taking opportunities in the past. Regardless of the reason they were not right for you at the time and this is something you cannot go back and change.

Besides, you will never know if those opportunities would have been a positive or negative influence on your life so it's best not to agonised over the possibilities (I know this is easier said than done). 

Also, just because others may objectively be dealing with things which are worse than your problems - it doesn't mean you aren't allowed to feel upset, disappointed or angry about your circumstances. 

People respond differently to the same situations, it's part of being human. So try not to feel guilty if seemingly small or insignificant issues are a big deal for you. 

I'm sure you're not a coward, reaching out for support when you're lost and hurt takes strength and bravery.

It might help you to make a list of the things in your life that you are thankful for, or experiences that have made you happy. This will serve as a reminder of the things you have accomplished already. It's ok if they're just little things; after all life is made up of little things which all add up to something bigger.

I think you would benefit from taking some time for reflection and to find out where you want to go from here, if that's possible for you. After you have had a break you can then start working towards your new goals a little at a time. You have plenty of time, so try not to stress. 

I hope some of this was helpful to you and that your circumstances improve. 

You're doing great! Keep going. 

[HappySheep]

Hi EmiJ, 

Well done. You are certainly not a coward because you have just done something that is extremely hard to do - you have stepped on to these forums to say 'Here I am, I need help'.  Well done, you!

I think your post just summed up beautifully the experience of many, many people who suffer with Anxiety - except for our age difference, it could have been written about me.  Stay on these forums and you will find many people who truly understand exactly how you are feeling and will be able to support you on your journey forwards.

You have already taken the first steps towards getting help to deal with Anxiety.  If you have not done so already, it could be a great help to go and talk to your GP who can help you find options for further assistance, if you need it.

Please remember: Your problems are just as important, and just as valid, as anybody else's.  A wise person once said to me 'your broken leg doesn't hurt any less because someone else has two broken legs'.  What you have is an illness and it is just as valid and just as debilitating as any other chronic health condition.  No one tells someone with a heart condition that they have thrown away opportunities because their condition flared up and meant they were unable to achieve something.  Believe me, I know it's extremely hard to make yourself believe this but it's true.

The most horrible part of Anxiety is that your brain is lying to you.  Firstly, it makes you so terrified that you are unable to function at something you feel you should be able to do - but then it also gives you guilt and shame about having Anxiety! 

None of this makes you a failure, EmiJ, it makes you a survivor. You have made it this far with a debilitating condition. You are only 31 - you are still a baby with most of your life ahead of you.  You can do this. Reach out, take whatever help you can get and keep moving forwards.  You have done the hardest bit already, which is to say 'I need help'. 

Keep talking on here.  Also search the other discussions under 'Anxiety'. Many people more wise than I am are here, and we will all be here to support you through.  Above all, be kind to yourself.

[therising]

Hi EmiJ

I honestly think one of the hardest things to achieve in life is a level of self understanding that leads us to say 'No wonder I'm struggling so much, it makes complete sense'. Until we reach a greater level of self understanding, when it comes to certain challenges, the inner dialogue tends to become more so 'I'm hopeless and I'm broken'.

There are times where I imagine someone showing up at my front door, telling me 'This is exactly why you're struggling so much and this is exactly what you need, to be able to move forward. Now let's start working on that'. How much easier would that be, hey? Instead, we have to work it all out and this can feel like such a slow and depressing process at times, that's for sure. As a 53yo gal who's managed the ins and outs of depression since my late teens, it's only been within the last 5 years that I've come to realise what my basic cycle looks like and I'm wondering whether you can relate in some way. I'll feel myself coming out of a sense of ease and into a challenge (one that can occasionally feel highly stressful and/or depressing). As I try and work out what that challenge is all about, I'll feel myself go even further into a downshift. Could call it 'diving head first into the poop'. While in it, I'll feel everything that's depressing and anxiety inducing, while being challenged with some serious inner dialogue. At some point I'll begin to hit on some revelations regarding what the challenge is all about and then I'll feel those revelations gradually bringing me up and out. Then, I'm back at a high with my revelations leading the way forward. I don't simply call it 'cycling'. I prefer to call it 'cycling up' because every time I wake up to something new (amongst the poop), I regard myself as more evolved in some way. Before I came to realise that this is how I naturally work, how I naturally evolve, I used to ask 'Why can't I ever be completely free from depression?'.

I imagine you've found a whole stack of stuff amongst the poop, a whole variety of revelations that have come to serve you in some way. Just a handful I've found that you might be able to relate to

• I do certain challenges much better with a guide or guidance. Some challenges aren't designed to be managed alone
• I'm a major 'feeler', therefor it's natural I'm going to feel what's depressing, stressful, anxiety inducing, enraging etc. Another way of looking at it is I'm a 'sensitive' so it's natural I'm going to sense what's depressing, stressful etc etc. If I couldn't sense such factors, how would I know they're there?
• Inner dialogue can be an 'angel on one shoulder, devil on the other' kinda thing and this needs serious and strategic management

The list goes on but that's a start when it comes to some important things in the way of self discovery.

I suppose the ultimate question could be 'Can you feel what challenge you've cycled into and what possible revelations you need to find whilst you're in there?'. Could it be about managing inner dialogue or identifying which people in your life tend to bring you down the most? Could it be about developing skills in becoming more fearless or maybe it could be about gaining an understanding regarding where certain fears come from? What are you being challenged to discover about yourself?

[Richju]

Dear EmiJ,

I agree that you are extremely brave to post on this forum and I can definitely identify with your issues. I'm so sorry to hear your self-blame and can remember feeling like that myself. But how do you know you have failed? I don't think any of us know why we are here. Is it to be successful at work, in relationships, in personal development???,

I've just turned 73. I have three degrees and have recently opened a business, which is not going well. I have also experienced many 'failures' but I have done a lot of personal growth. I've defeated anxiety and depression by avoiding comparison with others and connecting with my negative thoughts, which used to make me really depressed. Our thoughts will rarely tell us anything good about oursleves.

I’m certain you are a good and talented person, with much to offer others so I wonder if you could access a counsellor, who can help you to control those negative thoughts and bring forth the real you? I have found ACT or Narrative Therapy are helpful. 

You are only 31 EmiJ and have a lot more living to do. It may be a good time take stock of your values and develop goals with these values in mind. It doesn’t matter what everyone else believes, you are an individual and it’s time to let yourself shine. Even though I’m an oldie, I refuse to let my perceived failures hold me back. I have a nice smile and a good sense of humour so perhaps I’m here to make others happy. Who knows??

I hope this helps a little and that you will continue to post. I look forward to hearing how you are going and wish you all the luck in the world because you’re worth it.

Big hugs and kindest regards,

Richju xxxxxx

[Annas1]

Hi EmiJ,

I hope you have gained some support and a sense of hope from the wonderful replies you've received from fellow members. Their advice, reflections and compassion is gold. I too have a complicated relationship with anxiety and consequent low feelings, it is a very difficult condition and takes so much out of us. What it doesn't take though is our value, our potential and our unique contribution to life.

I'm here today seeking solace for my own phase of heightened anxiety symptoms and resultant feelings of hopelessness and deep disappointment. I understand your frustration with the efforts you make to change and improve things for yourself, only to experience a sense of failure. This describes my history of inner struggle very well.

However, as our friends have pointed out, reflecting on what has contributed to or is underlying your current mental and emotional state can be very instructive. How can this horrible angst, agitation, sleeplessness and feeling so low be of any use? - of course it has taken me a while to get to this inquisitive point! But now that I've been around the block more than a few times, I can see that there is something important in the bodily manifestations of my anxiety. It's a kind of over-calibrated warning system - something in my life needs to be addressed, and not addressing it is going to cost me in some way.

Today I'm reflecting on the cost, or impost, I'm subjecting myself to that is linked to my anxiety spike. For me, I think it's about a need to meet other people's expectations and approval. I need to demonstrate my adequacy in order to be considered a worthwhile person. And now I see that sentence typed it does seem quite absurd! In order to be worthwhile, I have to first demonstrate I'm a capable, adequate, functioning human being. That might be a job description, but it's not a basis for relationships.

I've recently read the popular psych book - The Courage to Be Disliked. It took me two goes, but it is a bit of a revelation in terms of owning our worth and not outsourcing self-esteem to anyone else (including close family members). I'm still on the journey of owning my own worth. And the reflection I need to do is twofold - 

1. Forgive myself for still being a learner in life. It's okay, it really is.

2. Self-acceptance offers a much wider, kinder, realistic space in which to be.

So, I'm okay as I am, learning and stumbling along the way. And I really like the idea of a wide, compassionate embrace of life.

Go well EmiJ, be kind and gentle with yourself.