I feel like I’m sleep walking through life

[lincolnh]

AIA if this story doesn’t make much sense, I’m not great at communicating how I’m feeling. I’m a 24 year old male with a decent paying corporate job, but my life consists of nothing but feelings of emptiness. I have faced social anxiety, general anxiety, depression etc since I was about 16 which I’ve come to accept over the years. I’ve never really been a social person, I love having friends, however I’ve never liked making friends. My only 2 friends(who I’ve known since school) I’ve started to grow apart from over the past couple of months. One of them has stopped talking in our group chat and has started hanging out with work colleagues a lot more. I’ve let a lot of friendships die over the years because I’ve always had these 2 who I’ve done everything with. If I lose my friendship with them, I’ll literally have no one. I have no ability to make friends either at work or outside of work. My mother always asks me why I don’t do anything on weekends and why I never go out and do anything, and I always say that my other 2 mates are busy. It’s because I have no social circle. I feel like life is about experiences rather than money making, and i feel like I have no one to share my life with due to my incompetence at making friends. I always feel like a total loser because while other people are out their making memories, I’m stuck with my own company. I know I can’t keep living like this. 

[indigo22]

Hi lincolnh,

I see you have been a member for a couple of years but this is your first post.

I am glad you decided to reach out.

I don't think you are alone in having difficulty in starting friendships. It can feel quite awkward in the beginning unless you have good self-confidence which I think you may be lacking from what you have said. I also think that finding friends doesn't so much happen when you are actively trying and looking, as it does when you are out somewhere and someone starts conversing with you on the spur of the moment.

Are your mental health issues being managed and are they stable? What I mean by that is do you have a therapist and/or medication helping you to function with the anxiety and depression?

It is not surprising that one of your friends is preoccupied with other things. As we age, our interests can change but that doesn't mean that friend is gone from your life. Just keep in touch with him and don't let the friendship disintegrate just because you are interested in different things at the moment. As a suggestion, could you all perhaps get together on a regular basis (on an agreed upon time frame, for example once a fortnight or once a month) and maybe see a movie or whatever you all like to do together?

Please let me know some of the things you have tried and if you are getting help of some kind. It is hard for me to make suggestions that may help, without knowing a bit more.

Take care,

indigo

[therising]

Hi lincolnh

I wish someone had told me years ago that all feelings are telling, both good and not such good feelings. Both types of feelings can offer a clearer sense of direction. If you imagine life as a map, comfort and peace are feelings that can be found in familiar territory. There can be the temptation to stay within familiar territory. There can also be the temptation to stay with what offers a sense of safety and predictability, although at some point there's a need to move because standing still or playing it safe may no longer be enough like it once was. As your fellow 'travelers' (friends) are now exploring other directions and territories, I can understand your fears and your need to question the best forward for yourself. When I say all feelings are telling, fear can tell us fearlessness is needed and/or it can tell us that it's time to develop skills in establishing higher levels of self esteem. Fear can tell us so many things. The feeling of disappointment can tell us 'It's time to make some new appointments'. 'I appoint myself as he/she who is prepared to go outside my comfort zone to some degree' or 'I appoint myself as he/she who is determined to establish some really good guides in my life (especially for when I'm feeling a little lost)'. 'I no longer appoint myself as being he/she who stands still, without goals to move toward. I officially disappoint myself from that role. It is gone'.

A brilliant guide in my life gave me advice a handful of years ago along the lines of 'The circle you become a part of or develop holds the potential to lead you to evolve. It first pays to ask 'How do I want to evolve?''.  Perhaps this is what's going to lead you to develop in some of the ways you'd like to or need to. For example,

• If someone wants to develop the ability to manage their nervous system, they might decide to go outside the square and join a guided meditation circle. If it's for an hour once a week or once a month, they'd be socialising with people once a week or once a month who may be there for the same reasons. They may have something in common. Grabbing a coffee afterwards with a couple of those people could be a way of developing another circle outside the group (a 'social coffee circle')
• If someone wants to develop some sporting ability or skills, a particular sporting circle or club might be the way to go or, if sport's not their thing,
• They might look into a circle of people who are interested in a long forgotten interest once held, one they'd been meaning to return to and expand on

The list of possible circles goes on. May sound a little strange but sometimes finding what we need can involve venturing outside the square to find a circle. There can definitely be elements of fear in doing this, some social anxiety included. As a gal who finds it easier to feel comfort in staying home, rather than experiencing social anxiety when going out, it can take a heck of a lot of practice before my nervous system and inner dialogue are in agreement with 'This isn't so bad anymore, with plenty of practice'. Beginning the practice is the hardest part.

With some fear in stepping foot on a whole new path that's going to take you into unknown territory, have faith in your self. Just because you can't see exactly how you're going to manage it right now, this doesn't mean you won't manage it. I find having someone in my life who's a visionary/seer makes a difference. They tend to see for me until my vision improves.

[lincolnh]

I did about 10 therapy sessions when I was 19 and I was on SSRI’s when i was 21. I feel like neither did anything for me. I’m constantly miserable, but over the years I’ve kind of just accepted that I’m always going to be this way. I feel like I could give therapy and medication another go but I’m not holding out hope. I do have my good days where I feel good, but more often than not I’m miserable. I’ve kind of just accepted it. 

[therising]

Hi lincolnh

Based on mental health challenges over the years, I've found that sometimes it pays to ask 'What is it in my nature to be like?'. So, kinda like

• How do I naturally think/mentally process things?
• How is it in my nature to feel or sense people, inner dialogue, life experiences etc?
• How do I naturally tick physically, neurologically or chemically etc

and the list goes on.

How everything adds up can lead to different conclusions, based on who we're talking to or being clinically assessed by. Maybe a new assessment and new meds could be the way to go.

While I was assessed as having long term depression from my late teens to mid 30s, I can now say (after waking up to the nature of who I am and how I tick), I can easily feel depressing elements on a mental level, physical level and even soulful or soul destroying level. Call it an ability with a down side. Whenever I feel depressed, I've come to ask 'What's leading me to feel this way, as I don't naturally feel this way for no good reason?'. So, from a psychological or clinical perspective you could say I'm prone to depression. From a natural perspective, you could say it's in my nature to feel or sense when there's some element/s depressing me (chemical elements included, regarding deficiencies and imbalances).

With my 22yo daughter and 19yo son, I could tell you how they naturally tick and why they face the struggles that they do based on how they tick. On the other hand, from a clinical perspective my daughter's been diagnosed with ADHD and my son's been diagnosed with high functioning autism (once known as Asperger's syndrome). I could say it's in my son's nature to have a memory that is at a savant level and he has an absolutely incredible ear for sound. On the flip side both abilities can naturally come with a curse I suppose you could say. My son has to manage how he clearly remembers bullying throughout his school years, for example, and with large social events the only way he can manage his nervous system is by using ear plugs to drown out a lot of background noise. You could say 'He has autism' or you could say 'He has abilities that he can struggle with at times and abilities that can create a sense of imbalance'.

You could say 'Over the years I’ve kind of just accepted that I’m always going to be this way' or you could ask 'Who am I naturally and why do I suffer based on who I naturally am?'. If you're naturally someone who feels deeply and easily, such an ability can come with major and sometimes overwhelming challenges.

[indigo22]

Thank you for the additional info lincolnh,

I hear you when you say most days you feel miserable, my background is dysthymia and major depression from a young age so I can relate.

Can you identify what the difference is on the good days, what it is that makes you feel better?

I know when I was first diagnosed, it took 3 tries before finding a med that worked for me so it may be that what you were on previously, was not the right one for you.

Also finding the right person to interact with in therapy can be a bit 'hit and miss' but I think it would be worth persevering to find the right person. I was seeing a social worker for a number of years which helped me a great deal, I was able to understand myself a lot better. However, I have recently been seeing a psychotherapist who also does somatic work and realise the reason I was not improving a great deal is because a lot of the emotional and traumatic events have become 'stuck' or lodged in the physical body and need to be released in order for me to improve. Are there events from your past that could be having this effect on you?

Please let me know your thoughts.

By the way, there is nothing wrong at all with the way your are communicating as far as I am concerned.

Take care,

indigo