I dont know how to help my slef

[DJ_4x4]

All my life i have never asked for anyone's help but now i need to do something about my life. Please help me. All my life I have suffered form high levels of depression, stress and anxiety. At the age of 14 i was so down on life i needed to do something to change it. I felt like ending my life.  Thank god i decided to stay that is something i will never do again as long as i live. But in deciding the stay i choose to live with myself and hide my feelings and problems away from the world to see. Now i am a 32 year old man living in a world that i made for myself. No one knows who i really am not family nor my closets friends.i have never asked of help from anyone in all my time nor have i said anything about my problems before today. My friends know me as the guy that will just disappear from time to time. When I have a large break down or anxiety attack the only thing i know to do is to leave the situation. But have never tolled them why.  Sometimes i feel like a ghost just warking around observing the world go by. No one see me who I am or the world that i live in. I am so very quiet. So much so i can go for days without speaking a word. I suffer from large and small anxiety attacks on a regular bace.just typing this is so hard for me right now. I am now at a point once again in my life that I need to change. i don't really know what to do with myself i just know i can't go on livening like this. I know i need some kind of help but can't talk to anyone about it. I fear if i did i would be locked up in a mantel home or put on meds and lose what ever sanity i have left. Sometimes i think about just sell up all i have and moving into the wild away from people altogether . I am now 32 but i still feel like that 14 year old boy trying to decide what to do.
 

[Neil_1]

Hi there DJ 4x4  

Welcome to Beyond Blue and may I say, “Well done” to you for coming here and providing your post.  I hear what you’re saying about it being hard to type up stuff about yourself and posting it – because I’ve read that on a number of occasions before from 1st-time posters. 

Let me say that for the majority of these people who felt anxious and nervous about their initial post, a lot of them felt so much more at ease after receiving some posts back and then they replied again, etc.  So you’ve made the hardest decision, the toughest part – it’ll get easier from now.  

As you say, you’ve battled this for such a long time now – and it’s now time to stop this battle happening on just your own.  So you’ve made a first positive step in coming here to Beyond Blue and reaching out for help and we’ll give as much advice and assistance as we possibly can and above all, we’ll support you 100%  

I really believe that your next step to take is to locate for yourself a good GP – and for this, Beyond Blue have on this site a list of GP’s that can be searched for, to hopefully find one or more in your local area. 

The thing with these GP’s is that specialise in dealing with mental health issues and then resulting from that first appointment, they will be able to determine for you, what will be the next appropriate course of action for you to take.  Just hear me out for a sec – that course of action may well be a combination of:  medication and/or psychologist.  

It IS time for you to seek out the assistance of a professional who will be best equipped to help you move forward. 

As for being locked up in a mental home, I don’t think that they follow those kinds of practices anymore (thank goodness) and by going on medication it will not cause you to lose your sanity.  The thing about anti-depressants is that they are designed to release certain chemicals in your brain to get you hopefully, in conjunction with other types of support, to be back on an even keel.  They are designed to work for you, to help you get through dark times.  

For the moment, I’ll send this and I do hope you can get back to me with regard to this.  

Kind regards  

Neil

[geoff]

dear DJ, I too would like to welcome you to this site, and yes it is difficult for first timers to eventually post a comment, because the nerves do get to you, will I or won't I.

I had said on many occasions that no one can overcome anxiety which is incorporated into depression by themselves, and you have been struggling for 18 years with no help, except to run and hide from the world, and don't get me wrong here, because yes most of us have done exactly the same, until we finally realise that we do need help.

What does happen is that we pretend to believe that we will be much better in a couple of days, so our life goes on, kidding ourselves and pretending that all we have to do is to get through the day, which we can do but it's so miserable, because the next day will be the same, and the day after that, and then after that, but it's not how we really want to live, because we need to show the world what we are actually made of, so then it's so important to seek professional help.

With this help they will bring the real you out of your shell, the one that you have been in for 18 years, and without help this 18 years would only extend to maybe another 18 years, so looking at it that's 36 years, well and truly far too long to have to suffer from any type of depression.

I do hope that you can take Neil's advice, but I do hope that you will reply back to us. Geoff.

[DJ_4x4]

Hi guys i just want to thank you for taking the time to read and reply to my post. I have spent a lot of time thinking about what you guys have said. And it is good know that there are outhers out there that know somewhat what I have been going throw some times i can feel like i am the only one. I have aways done things my own way under my own power and i understand what you guys are trying to say but the truth is i don't think that I am ready to take that step and seek out some type of porfessional help. I understand that I may need or could benefit form some help but i don't think it is a step i am yet willing to take. To be truthful it scares me to death thinking about it and what it could mean. Siting here type this in the comfort of my own home is one thing but to try to tark to someone face to face about my problems is a norther thing altogether. In the past i have tried this before but by the time i get close to the person i just end up breaking into tears or haveing an anxiety attack or becoming speechless altogether. I've never have had anyone to tell me that i suffer from depression and anxiety this something i worked out for myself through meany years of experience. I know and understand more about anxiety than most people do just form my own experiences. I guess what I am trying to say is that my fear is not about my depression or anxiety i fear that the way in witch i have chosen to live my life I may have lead me to developed much more deeper mental problems witch i am now still not willing even to type about. But I have come realise somthing about myself. I was looking to change myself and the fact that i ask of help showed me that I am changing. Change is not something that happens over night change it is one foot in the right direction. Once again i thank you guy for your replies and your time you have given me a lot to thing about. I hope you can understand what I am trying to say i am not so good with words.    

[AGrace]

Hi DJ,

Welcome to Beyondblue and what an incredible first step to take, reaching out and starting to share fragments of your story with us. It takes a great deal of courage to firstly identify that there are things affecting your quality of life, and secondly to begin to feel worthy of seeking assistance. You have taken both steps so that says a lot about how brave you are.

Its difficult to transition from coping strategies such as avoidance and isolation to using more helpful techniques such as acceptance and asking for help. There's no particular pace expected and taking small steps is very self caring. 

You seem to be very good with words, despite your anxiousness, so I would encourage you, if you're comfortable to keep connecting with people via the Beyondblue forums. I find a lot of comfort in writing my feelings and thoughts down and this can be a very big first step. In agreeance with the others seeking professional help is the next step which you can do when you feel ready. Just remember that before you even feel ready there's always someone waiting to hear your story and to offer you guidance in a very non-judgemental and supportive fashion. That can be in the form of chatting with a loved one, someone from Beyondblue, a GP, or Psychologist. 

I too suffered in relative silence for nearly 19 years, I didnt speak up until I was 33 through fear that no one would understand me. To begin with I viewed those years as wasted however now I can see that they were actually preparation in getting me to a place where I felt safe enough to share my lifelong battle. Im now receiving treatment, my loved ones are receiving knowledge, support, and understanding and I can finally see beyond my dark blue world.

Keep putting pen to paper, keep connecting through the forums, keep being gentle with yourself, and dont let go of HOPE.

AGrace

[Jet21]

Hi Geoff I just read your post and felt I was reading about myself. I feel like people really don't know anything about me as I am always smiling but behind all this I have lots of pain and feel like I just want to live on a deserted island 

[DJ_4x4]

Hi Agrace thank you for your post  i found it most comforting. As i red your post it made me smile than made me cry but then smile again. Sorry for my delay it this post i can be slow to react. I am a caring and loving person and it make me sad to think that there are others out there that have been through the same things as I have been though. I would not wish it appon anyone. I Hope you are doing well. You have encourage me to share some more of my story. So here goes. I have had anxiety for as long as I can rember  i first anxiety attack was on my first day school i had a very hard time of coping being around people. After a year the school sore that I was not doing well so was made to repeat kindergarten. As this may have been the right thing to do it was a big hit to my already low self  esteem. I never realy made any friends all though out my time at school i was just quiet and tried to stay at a distance from everyone. In high school i failed English as i refused to give speeches. I did try to give a speech one time but in the middle of my speech the nerves got to me and I could not read my own righting i froze then broke down in to tears in frount of all my class. As I stayed at a distance form people i was aways observing them the way they acted and reacted with others what they would say and do.after some time i learnt how to read peoples body langwitch and even lip read at times. So this was how i came to fined what i called "THE ACT". It was simple i learnt how to act around people in away that i though you should act . I would simply respond to people based on there own actions and body langwitch. If I was with someone that was happy and funny i tow could act happy and funny what ever the Personality was i could reacted and or mirror and respond in the same way. This was working fine for me but was alway only an ACT.  People sore me with a smile on my face and seeming to be fine but all the time i was falling apart on the inside. Still to this day i "ACT"  but it's become much more than just that I have developed different personality types that I can change at anytime witch i have come to call my "faces" . When i am at home,at work,out with friends, at a bar or what ever i can pick and choose what face is right for the place and people i am with. This get me throught  a lot of things but dose not always work i brake down alot in times when i can't find the right face for to mach the circumstances. It is something i can't keep up

 stance

[DJ_4x4]

Well i did not mean to right all of this but when I started it just keep coming out. Think of it all as you will. Maybe it's all just in my head but the truth is i don't know who I am anymore or remember who I was i have no personality of my own. My hole life has just been an act. An act to hide my depression and anxiety. just a game in witch nothing seem real. For the first time i am now trying to be more open with people letting them see a little of me and i hope i can continue to do this. I do feel being on this website and righting about my slef is helping me a lot. I try not to think about the future as it alway make me depressed  as I have only seen things getting worse not better. But thanks to this website i am starting to see things in a different way. Thanks you guys for your kind words and  encouragement i could not do this on my own.

[AGrace]

Hi DJ,

Im pleased to hear that you're starting to see things differently. It's comforting when you start to regain even just a glimmer of hope for the future.

I wonder if you feel more prepared to see a Dr now? You could print out your posts and take them with you so that you dont need to think of what to say on the spot.

I hope you will continue to post, it sounds like you find sharing your story rather cathartic.

AGrace