How do I become more confident and less Anxious

[Christie123]

I am a very shy and introverted person. I am comfortable around a few people and even with them I still get anxious and I’m not really myself. It’s really hurting how successful I am in work environments and I have lost jobs because I am too quite. I try to be but I don’t have the confidence to do with properly.

I want to become more extroverted and friendly or at least fake it till I make it because I can’t handle the fact I was fired because I wasn’t loud enough.

Does anyone have any advice?

[Aaronsis]

Hey Christie123

Welcome to the forum and I am so glad that you have reached out to have a chat and get some ideas that might be helpful to you in growing some "extrovertness"....

See I am that..an extrovert, I am loud and I am confident in group situations and I am not afraid to do public speaking, in fact I thrive on it....my point to you is that just as you are trying to gain a voice if you like, I would like to be able to shhh mine from time to time.

I guess what I am saying is that we are all very different as you well know and just because you are not the voice that holds the conversation in the room does not mean you are not valid or not heard.

I think you can start with baby steps, start with small groups and make a choice to enter into the conversation, even if to start with you are not voicing an opinion but rather mimicking what another is saying, things like "oh that is really interesting", "how did that make you feel", "I hear what you are saying"...this opens up the conversation for the other person to keep talking but you might find an opportunity in that conversation to share a similar experience or situation.

It does take time to build so please allow yourself the kindness of time. Also you can talk to yourself in the mirror, or even sing out loud to the mirror, just get used to using your voice and letting it go and being projected out of your body.

Another thing is maybe doing more facetime calls with your friends or family that let you use your voice and have more conversations than you normally would, also by starting these calls gives you confidence to reach out and connect.

Fake it til you make it is a good concept in theory but if it makes you feel uncomfortable maybe it is just not who you are and that is totally fine too.

I am also wondering about you being fired for not being loud enough, is this a story that you have perhaps made up in your thinking or is there any truth in it? I am just wondering as our minds can lead us to thinking things that are not actually true and we can develop opinions of ourselves that are not correct.

I would like to chat to you some more if you feel like sharing.

Hugs to you Christie123

Saraj

[Christie123]

Thank you for your advice. I guess one of my frustrations comes from the fact that it’s baby steps but I’m just starting Uni and I am looking for a job and I just want to do it fast.

I had the job for about a month at this news agency and they had every right to do so because it the customers were mainly old people and it was during Christmas time. It wasn’t really because I was introverted just the vocal thing. I also wasn’t very confident and always second guessed myself, which meant my co-workers had to pay extra attention to me.

But that’s why I want to just get over this thing I have because of how loud and active the workplace is getting.

[Amanda2000]

Hi Christie,

I am an introvert too. However we can still come across as confident. It's not necessarily faking it. It's more to do with how you adapt differently in different situations. Think of it like this, when you are all dressed-up attending a wedding, you walk a certain way that's different to how you would when you're at home wearing your pyjamas. I think your workplace-confidence will grow naturally in the years to come as it becomes your daily norm. Don't let the newsagency incident discourage you. I felt the same way transitioning from uni to work. And then now that I've been working from home due to the covid-situation, the thought of returning to the office worries me. But I know once I'm physically in the office, I'll be ok again.

The graduate-recruitment program is most daunting. So many candidates, how can I stand out among the crowd, right? Well employers look for suitability. In fact NOT being an extrovert can work in your favour. Candidates that appear over-confident and super-friendly do not always impress prospective employers. Just be yourself and remember to smile! The interviewer is trying to get to know you rather than to judge you. If you find yourself very nervous at an interview, you can tell the interviewer. It usually breaks the ice. Don't forget the interviewer was once a graduate just like you.

For me I'm more comfortable working in smaller organisations where everybody knows everybody. I've worked in 1 big company and I didn't like it. It was like being back in high school trying to fit-in and make friends. Not the right fit for me. This may be something for you to consider down the track.

Hope this helps. Let us know how you go.

[Emmen]

Dear Christie123,

If you were fired for not being loud enough, then that work environment was not the one for you. Don't regret that because the right workplace would be one that values you for the qualities you have instead of the ones you lack.

Like you, I'm an introvert. I struggle to make friends and I've been the source of many awkward silences and awkward conversations when I meet someone new - to the point that I actually panic at the thought of socializing. What helps for me is to find avenues where I can build up my courage. Joining a small interest group on Meet Up for instance may help since you're meeting people who like the same things as you. I've met people just as awkward as me there and it's helped tremendously since I know I'm not the only odd one out there. Not every meet up will be a success, but I've found that it does go some way in helping me gain more confidence in my social skills. It could be a place for you to start.

Kindly,
M

[Rynn]

Hi Christie123, and everyone else,

I don’t really have any advise right now, but I wanted to let you know that I am also quite shy and an introvert. I have struggled making friends for as long as I can remember and often found myself being told I needed to be louder at work or to not be afraid of picking up the phone to call someone.
I’m here if you want to talk about anything

[Guest_4643]

Hey Christie123, welcome.

I'm sorry to hear that you've lost jobs, I'm sure you're still a good worker and have lots to give, so that's on them, not you. I'm like that myself, and like Rynn said, I struggle with making friends too. I don't have a job and never have (me = failure), so I'm sorry I can't offer any advice, but I'm here for you also.

Just know that you're not alone in being shy, introverted, etc. as myself, Rynn and other people have said. Hi to others here also.

I'm thinking of you, and I hope you can work something out that you feel happy and comfortable with. We're here for you.