HOCD

[Captain_f]

I'm now 23 with a girlfriend who I'm sexually attracted too. Before meeting my girlfriend, I have suffered from hocd for 6 years. It has been torcher!!! All throughout high school I was a very sexually to attracted to girls, until my hocd started when I found myself watching a soap tv show (neighbours) with my two sisters. My favourite character from the show turned gay. Thinking about the scene made me question my sexuality. I knew i was straight but I keeped doubting it or questioning it. Thinking about it became an obsession to the point where I had myself convinced that I was gay. I was constantly scared to watch the tele incase I found a dude attractive, scared I was going to turn gay with one of my mates, always looking at blokes to prove a had no attraction to them!! Everytime I get intimate with my girlfriend, I'm getting intrusive gay thoughts, questioning if I'm attracted to her or not. It is ruling my life. I'm scared im eventually going to turn gay with these thoughts. Has anyone else gone through something similar?  I'm scared that with this hocd that IM going to turn gay!! I have a beautiful girlfriend who I don't want to lose. Go nothing against gays but I don't want to be gay!! 

[Zeal]

Hi Captain f,

Welcome to the forum!

I'm a 23 year old female, and I've had OCD since I was 13. I hadn't heard of HOCD before actually, though I knew it must be a form of OCD. A quick Google search corrected my lack of knowledge straight away!
I'm sorry to hear this anxiety condition has been so distressing, and is affecting how you feel around your girlfriend. I'm glad you've found someone you really love and care about. Being in love is an amazing feeling.

Have you been to your doctor (GP) about the HOCD before? I strongly recommend you make an appointment with your doctor to discuss strategies to work through the distressing thoughts and confusion. With some professional support, your symptoms can improve. Does your girlfriend know about your HOCD? I told my boyfriend about my OCD, and he is really supportive. Sometimes I'll actually point something out I do because of OCD, as I try not to take myself too seriously. OCD and HOCD are of course serious conditions, but I personally find it's helpful to be very open with myself and very close loved ones. As your condition relates to your sexuality, bringing it up regularly would probably be quite disconcerting. However, telling your girlfriend that you have the condition is a good idea. This way, she can understand what's going on if you are distressed or anxious at times, and will hopefully appreciate being in the know.

Good luck with seeing your doctor. I hope you and your girlfriend remain happy together 🙂 

Best wishes,

SM

[Zeal]

This website looks informative and reliable, though it's likely you've visited it (it's the first search result for HOCD in Google):

http://www.anxietyhouse.com.au/homosexual-ocd-hocd

[Lori]

Hi Captain_f,

It seems that you are in a very frustrating place
at the moment and have been there for a while.. At the start you said
you are sexually attracted to your girlfriend, but are afraid you might
turn gay. You know your sexually attracted to women and your girlfriend,
but have had thoughts about guy or being gay. Have you thought maybe
you are bi-sexual ? it's okay to like both sexes. Have you spoken to
your girlfriend about it all ? maybe she could help you work through
this tough situation ?I myself have not experienced anything like
this but i think, talking about these issues to someone either your
girlfriend or someone else would be helpful. Also try and not to think
about it as much as possible i think that the more you think of it the
more you believe you are going to turn gay. You love your
girlfriend be honest with her, talk about these issues to people who you
think will help you work through them. But i definitely think you
should try and distract yourself from these thoughts.

You will get through this.

Sorry that i can't be more helpful, but hopefully you will have some replies
with people who have been in this situation. Please keep in touch and
Stay strong!

-Lori 🙂

[blueangel]

Intrusive and persuasive thoughts are unfortunately some of the nasty symptoms of OCD. Generally, speaking from both my own experience and others' experiences our "obsessive" thoughts are derived from subconscious fears and OCD pretty much in all people I know occurs with Anxiety. The two mixed is just torturous..

Fears vary with everyone, but questioning/fears of sexuality is extremely common in people of our age group (18-25) which also have OCD and/or anxiety disorders. We are on a journey of self discovery as young adults and we are still only finding out feet and identity in the world--who we are to others and how we perceive ourselves. 

Rest assured though, regardless of your sexuality, that does not define you, change your value or change who you are as a person.

I will advise though, you probably should speak with your girlfriend, you don't necessarily have to tell her all your concerns, but reassure her you love her and you are in a difficult place in your mind at present. Usually, when our mind is caught up in a relationship-related dilemma we often disconnect ourselves from out partner which can send mixed messages, leading them to believe they are the problem (speaking from personal experience here). 

In addition, I strongly want to encourage you to have a chat to someone you trust or even your GP/uni counsellor etc. Reaching out for support is the first step towards a happy mind. 

Best of Luck 🙂

[Mr_Bryce]

Hi Captain F.

I just read your post and I wanted to tell you that ive had the exact same fears since I was about 19. It happened in a similar sort of way. It is very frustrating, and even harder to share with other people. I hope you know that you're not alone and there are some people who will understand.

I would be interested to hear though what has happened since your last post, if you are still visiting the site.