Help for high-functioning anxiety

[RainbowBird]

Hi all,

I'm so glad I found this little hub- I have been searching for a while for a place I can communicate and finally tell people what I am feeling.

I'm 35 years old and suffer from high functioning anxiety and what I think is social anxiety also. It's really hard for me to talk about, as on paper my life looks perfect to an outsider. I work for one of the biggest tech companies in the world where I have achieved and won an award for ny performance. I have a great home, I'm putting myself through university part time, I'm travelling overseas on a dream vacation in a few weeks etc. But the truth is I'm breaking up inside. Working at a company where extraversion, being social, and building relationships is highly prized and valued, is so so hard for me- I suffer from huge bouts of anxiety being in groups, talking to clients, getting my work wrong- basically 'imposter syndrome' where I'll be found out to be a fraud and not having the skills to do my job. it's bad enough it keeps me up at night and working like at all hours to keep up. Everything is about collaboration and sharing, and I get so tired at always having to be 'On' when basically I am scared all day long. I have few friends because of my anxiety- basically because I struggle to connect with people, and don't have a boyfriend as I really struggle to even talk to a guy I really like, making me come across as aloof and not interested. I'm wondering if I'm even displaying selective mutism here as I cannot physically talk to someone I really like ( men I'm not attracted to I can talk to normally). I'm super worried at 35 I will be alone forever- I'm aware of my age and would like to have a child in the future. I have a history of domestic violence from my childhood, my parents were not emotional people, and I was bullied in both primary school and high school. I hate being in groups, especially groups of women- probably a past trauma from my high school days at an all-girls school and being bullied, which is hard as I work in an all female team. I have little support in real life except for a few friends. I force myself to socialize and network and usually drink to make it easier but it feels forced and inauthentic. I have had therapy in the past for a year, but it's all still there and I have no idea how to work through it. I can't talk about it as I fear no one that knows me would believe me or would think I am complaining about nothing due to what they see on the outside.

[BballJ]

Hi RainbowBird,

Firstly, welcome to the forums. You have found a great little hub here full of supportive people and please know it is a very safe and non judgemental environment as well. We are made of people who suffer or have suffered mental health issues in the past.

I am sorry to read what you are going through, believe it or not many people come here saying on the outside they have the perfect life but inside they are breaking and that is mental health 101. There is actually a quote for depression that I love... "Depression is not being sad when things are going wrong, that is just sadness, depression is being sad when things are going right" I am not saying by any means you have depression but the context of the quote should resonate with you in the fact that being sad or upset when everything around you is going right may be the sign of a mental health issue. I know you identified as high functioning anxiety. I am curious as to what that is if you wouldn't mind sharing. I could google but getting a first hand experience may be better. For your information, I suffer from anxiety, mild depression and OCD so have had some experience in this anxiety portion actually too much experience I think. It sounds like you have a great job but with great jobs always comes the responsibility and that is what you are facing now and with demanding jobs it is so hard to meet partners. The dream holiday you have coming up should hopefully help ease your mind even if it is temporary. You said you have done therapy in the past, how long ago was this? Did you find it beneficial at all? Reason I ask is that it sounds like you may not have connected with your therapist at all and may need to look at going back and finding a new one.

Please, post back as much as you like, we are always happy to talk.

My best for you,

Jay

[Croix]

Dear RainbowBird~

I'd like to join Jay in welcoming you here and think you may find it a useful and supportive place.

Outside appearances can be highly deceptive, so while a stranger or workmate may see the mask which is your outside face they will have little idea of the true picture - which is a stressful and most unhappy one.

Being someone with long-term anxiety (plus a couple of other illnesses) I can relate from my past to how you feel, the problems continually interacting with others, being afraid of found out, working to make jobs perfect, not being able to have meaningful conversations and so on. Actually the only pitfall I did not fall into was drink.

I guess you have a couple of major things to deal with. The first is the long shadow your upbringing has cast over you life. The domestic violence, nonsupporting parents and horrible experiences with cruel tribal children will have left you in a state where - without proper treatment - easy social interaction is basically out of the question.

This of course leads to the second problem. In your current state your employment sounds like a total mismatch, requiring just those abilities that cause you the most hassles.

As an aside I'd imaging being able to talk to those men you are interested in is something that will come, partly by your desire to do so, and importantly when you are in a better space, with more self-confidence and less stress hanging over your head.

I remained in my occupation until I was unable to function at all, lost my job and was difficult to treat. That being said I'm in a much better place now, with occupation, accomplishment, satisfaction and love. This is due to medical treatment and support, and leaving behind the major cause.

Now what to do? Like Jay I'd ask if you are currently under treatment, therapy and maybe meds as well? If not it is time to resume, and if you are then perhaps it might be time to see if it is being effective, or needs altering.

An advantage of decent employment is that you are not as limited in your choice of therapists.

The other thing is to think about your career. By working for such an huge I'd imagine there would be all sorts of positions, not all of which are team-based or require the level of gee-wizz activity you have now. Is it worth examining your options?

It is important your whole life is enjoyable and gives you self-esteem, accomplishment and enjoyment, and it is worth effort to get it that way

Please feel free to talk some more

Croix