Hello Everyone! Just reaching out a little bit.

[Huff]

I don't know if I have anxiety really.   I've self diagnosed that I have.  I've done quizzes and tests online and I've been diagnosed from none to mild to medium to severe, so I don't really know.  I don't have panic attacks or many physical symptoms related to anxiety at all.  I function in the world.  I have a job, I can talk to colleagues and strangers and I have a few friends.  But I carry around with all the time -  a feeling I can't quite define. I guess the closest word is 'unease'. Most times I can push it back, but sometimes its front line and centre and then I am paralysed. I need to retreat and not talk to anyone.   Sometimes I wish I wasn't here at all. I fantasize about being in an fatal accident, but I am actually very safety conscious.  I am not suicidal. I love my family too much.   I haven't seen anyone professionally. I just can't bear the thought of talking to someone in case they tell me I'm imagining it, or that I've been reading or watching too many things about anxiety and if I stop doing it, I'll get better.   I guess I'm actually anxious about not being anxious enough.  I’m not very articulate anyway, and find it difficult to talk to any health professional for any reason. This is why I'm writing to this anonymous forum.     I worry that I'm just diagnosing myself with something, so I can account for the fact that I'm a little bit weird and don't quite fit in.   The only person I tell when I'm feeling very bad with this unease is my husband and that's to give him insight into my current behaviour. He thinks I analyse everything too much  and should just get on with things.  And he's probably right. In fact - in some ways he fits in less than I do..but doesn't seem to care. Maybe I just care too much about what other people think.   I can tell from this forum that people are truly suffering and I feel a bit fraudulent by posting.  But I thank you for listening anyway.   

[Paul]

Hi Huff,

Welcome to the Beyond Blue Forums, I'm glad you're able to let off a bit of steam here and tell us how you're feeling. One thing we won't do is tell you that you're imagining things.

The thing with quizzes and tests is that you can be feeling OK and do one and it says "You're feeling OK". Then you can be feeling a bit uneasy and the quizzes can say "You're feeling OK" or "You may not be feeling OK have a chat with your Dr". Quizzes are great for the Saturday morning paper (and Sunday if it's raining) but not all of them are designed as diagnostic tools. so let's throw the quizzes away.

I can see a bit of a circle happening here. You've described feeling unease, paraylised, wanting to retreat and then feel anxious at not feeling anxious enough and then when your husband says you're probably just analysing everything too much and you agree with him. You then describe perhaps caring what other people think too much then blame yourself for being fraudulent.

Let me spin this for a bit.

If your husband or someone you really care about came to you and told you that they had a feeling of unease that won't go away, that they HAVE to retreat sometimes, that they become paralysed, that they wish they weren't here sometimes, what would your reaction be?

There's a number of times that you've dismissed yourself and even been quite nasty towards yourself - that concerns me. "I'm not very articulate, I'm a little weird anyway and I feel a bit fraudulent"

Huff, properly trained professionals will NOT laugh or judge you or tell you you're imagining it. You see that in itself is another type of illness if you are imagining all of this, but is seems real to me, the way you describe it.

Please visit a professional and simply tell them how you feel. You may even wish to print what you wrote in your post above and provide that help articulate how you're feeling. 

In the menus below there's "Get support" and "Find a professional" this is a good start on the road to finding someone who will be able to help you out.

Would you have a think about it and let me know what you decide?

Take it easy Huff. We're also here to help and there's the Beyond Blue hotline as well.

Paul

[Huff]

I never said thank you for your response Paul, and please know I was really grateful for it and it did make me think about how unkindly I talk about myself sometimes, so I try not to do that. Your advice was great, but truthfully - I haven’t done much to address my issues in a practical way which means I haven’t really improved since I wrote my post a whole year ago. I can’t shake the deep fear I have about having to talk about myself to an outside person even a professional. After this last post, I did go as far to tell a GP when seeing them for a physical matter that I was feeling very low and they got me to fill out a mental health checklist but I have since avoided going back to the doctor for any follow up stuff so I don’t have to talk about it.

I’m feeling very low at the moment. Changes are happening in my life - mostly instigated by me, because I feel it’s needed, but I’m not coping very well with them. However if I don’t make them, I believe I will get even worse. I feel trapped by others, but even more so by my own ineffectiveness and ability to confront other people. I feel like I’m hanging off a cliff by the fingernails, working hard to climb back to the top, but really wanting to let go as well

I’m in my late 40s for goodness sake and I feel like a teenager scribbling in my diary about how everything sux. I feel like a confused adolescent trapped in a middle-aged body. I should be beyond that. I should be stronger. I can go to work, and I can socialize and I crack a joke and a smile, but I feel like I’m two people. And I feel bad about feeling this way. I am very blessed. I am very grateful for the opportunities and standard of living I enjoy. There are so many people out there who are not so fortunate and would love to have my level of problem.

Well this forum gave me good advice already on what should do to get help, so I don’t expect another response – again – I just wanted to write it out.

[Cornstarch]

It's very tempting to downplay our suffering by comparing it to others. We all do it.

I think our minds are just being sneaky, or simply processing shock if that is applicable to your situation, and ultimately trying to avoid facing how we're feeling.

Talking to professionals certainly is not everyones cup of tea. And let's be honest, some people just aren't very good at their job! They're not personable or they simply lack direct, lived experience.

It's exhausting shopping around for a good one.

But the greatest thing is that you have self awareness. So many people do not. But unfortunately when we're struggling we can't see ourselves clearly, and it is important to try and bight the bullet and seek help.

Change is hard for everyone, lots of people avoid it at all costs, so doing it alone may not be very realistic or healthy. Do you have a family member or friend you could also confide in? Does your employer have access to mental health services free for employees?

You've toughed it out for so long. It would be nice to relieve some pressure don't you think.

I feel like a duffer talking to GPs because I am yet to find a great one. Or I do and they move. It's natural to feel like a wally speaking up, but maybe it's just that you're over-comparing to other people. You're looking at everything you have and you're like why should I complain?

[Huff]

Thanks Cornstarch :). Thank you for your wisdom. I always compare my problems to others, and generally feel I shouldn't be feeling the way I do because it's pitiful and ungrateful. I know i have to stop that. I've noticed a lot of people on the forums say that it can be difficult to find a professional you can relate to and you might have to shop around for the right person. The thought of that sounds exhausting. I'd hate to tell my story multiple times. Thanks again - you've given me a lot to think about.