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Fear of Ageing
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I have a fair bit of anxiety around ageing. In some ways it's been positive in that it encourages me to make the most out of every day, but its downside is an expectation of being in a bad way by 65 (despite seeing many other healthy mid-sixties folks) and certainly expecting to have too little superannuation (so why bother adding extra?), a bad pension and little Medicare help, if any (I'm an elder millenial and seen the whittling away of many social supports) and knowing I can't afford a house means that going into residential care will mean going to the cheapest option available that doesn't mean putting your home up.
While I am the fittest I've ever been (not saying much), the most social and the most aware of how my brain works, I'm in my mid-thirties and have a real "my chance to get properly fit has been and gone" and worry that my current social networks will fritter away as I age as we'll no longer be as heavily involved in our shared hobby (which is Live Action Roleplaying, like murder mysteries but with more complex simulated events).
Then there's the fact that I really need to decide if I'm going to have kids or not, and soon, as I want to be an active parent. But I also fear losing 20 years of what feels like a very limited life and semi-youth to raise them... And it's a huge additional commitment with my partner... And pregnancy may cause various health issues and permanent disabilities that will last forever.... And I will likely lose many of my current friends who due to anxieties of their own actively dislike children (namely due to their own histories as victims of bullies in school). But I need to decide soon because at 34, things will get harder as time goes on.
It's just a whole morass of anxieties and I haven't had much luck with therapists as the anxiety seems to shift and morph over time and with conversation so I can never really pin it down.
Does anyone else have fears / anxieties regarding ageing? Like a persistent series of worries that arise when around the elderly or hearing of issues that go on? Or just lying awake at night thinking about it? Does anything help? I know a lot of CBT techniques but I can't imagine any of them working for this. It just feels so nebulous and accurate to think of the slowly dwindling sands in my hourglass and I can almost hear the slamming doors of missed opportunities....
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You're really dealing with a lot, it must be hard to know where to even start. Things like financial security and having kids are heavy issues and totally warrant feelings of fear and worry. But through the lens of my own experience, I wonder if anxiety isn't also playing a part in making these things worse for you? My psychologist said that anxiety becomes a 'disorder' when negative thoughts and worries become controlling; That is, they escalate beyond what's rational. For example, a person without anxiety may be concerned about their retirement, but that concern doesn't become consuming and overly painful. They don't let worries about the future affect their quality life right now.
I can empathise with your feelings towards having children. My journey from someone who definitely didn't want kids to now being a parent was long and involved far too much analysis and introspection to subject anyone to here. But if you're similar to me in our views on parenting, I'd encourage you to unpack the words you wrote: "I fear losing 20 years". Cross examine yourself with a healthy amount of skepticism - why do you consider it a "loss"? Demand evidence for this view, and look for contrary evidence. Do you have any role models, or people who inspire you? Do they have kids, and do they feel like having kids detracted from their lives?
It can be hard to be objective when it comes to kids because parents just love to talk about how much self-sacrifice they endure! As a parent I assure you, it's complete bollocks. Most of us wouldn't be (and weren't previously) doing anything more purposeful or meaningful with our time. Doing more fun things, maybe, but fun has never really been that fulfilling for me.
You asked if anyone has fears/anxieties regarding ageing. I can say that my anxiety can attach itself to just about anything (real or imagined) - which often includes ageing, or having a heart attack, or entropy, or existential dread about the apparent cosmic insignificance of humanity itself (yaay). CBT has helped me to step outside of my thoughts a bit and decide whether a particular thought is actually worth having (or ruminating on for several hours). I'm sorry to hear that CBT hasn't been much help for you. Maybe ask your GP if it's worth trying it again, or if complimentary treatments might help?
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Yeah, I'm surrounded by people who (due to childhood bullying) hate kids and I fear losing them as friends though I know consciously that they'd probably create a "your kids are different" excuse so they don't have to lose anything either.
I also fear that I'll lose my opportunity to create events in my small NFP, even though my volunteer hours are flexible and its mainly a monthly commitment, as the few parents around me have emphasised that "everything changes", you can't have "me time," and even that you "lose any sense of yourself as either person or partner and become only parent". Namely the latter is in reference to babies but they don't really specify.... The idea of losing your entire sense of self is certainly scary.
Plus I have bipolar disorder so sleep deprivation may be an issue for me, though thankfully I have a fairly light case of it.
And yeah, there's definitely a specific anxiety disorder built up around it. I think it's called gerontophobia, or some such? Whenever I see older people who are thinking poorly, or when I see them in their youth, I'm instantly struck by anxiety of what is lost. I think about how I won't be pretty in a few years time, as one of the main compliments I've had over the years is that I'm pretty.
Weirdly enough, saying I won't be pretty when I'm forty (even though I patently know that to be false as there are many stereotypically gorgeous 40 and 50 and even 60 year olds I know and plenty of good looking folks older than that) makes me feel less age-related anxiety? Like somehow throwing in the towel and accepting the worst case scenarios (however illogical they may be) is somehow reassuring? No use crying over spilt milk and all that.
The thing is I don't really know how to challenge these beliefs as factual challenges don't do much and I spiral pretty fast if I think too closely on it. Even just writing this post has me tearful and I'm at my work station doing a quick post.
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I am 65 and have 5 children so I have survived the two challenges you are worrying about!!!!
Age is not very relevant. I know people much younger than me who are very unfit & unable to do much on the other hand I know others much older who are very active. The only time which matters is now. You can't change the past& you don't know what will happen tomorrow. Ihave a husband with a degenerative condition. His health is up & down. We can sit around avoiding doing things because something wrong (& it sometimes does). Instead we try to do what we can when we can. We still try to travel & to go bushwalking when possible. We don't want to look back with regret because we didn't do things. This same principle applies regardless of your age. Keeping yourself as physically & mentally healthy as possible gives you the best chance of a good life as you get older.
As for children as any parent will tell you they will drive you crazy at times & you are restricted in what you can do. On the other hand the joy they bring is immeasurable. When my kids were young I couldn't afford expensive holidays but we'd go camping and see the excitement my children showed when they saw a wombat or reached the top of a mountain or were splashed by a wave or all the other endless experiences. The memories of those experiences and the joy seen on my kids faces far outweighed the negatives.
The other day my daughter rang one minute complaining about something the 18 month old was doing but then sharing the excitement of the 4 year old's first day of kinder. This far outweighed the frustration with the toddler. I share this to remind you that having children is a choice which brings restrictions in lifestyle but these are compensated by much joy.
I'm not sure if this perspective helps.
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I'm sorry that brining up those thoughts and issues upset you. But I think overall it's good to write it down and to share.
It always bothers me when people talk about parenthood in a string of uninspiring cliché's. I'm equally bothered by the over exaggerated gushing about the amazing 'miracle' of it all too. There's no pleasing me! I guess it just hits a nerve for me, for some reason. The most practical factors will be your income, your support network of family/friends, and how your partner manages co-parenting. Everything else is hearsay and may not be your experience at all.
Whenever you think about the future (ageing, children, child-free, etc.) remember that anxiety makes us drastically underestimate our ability to cope, so it's important to recognise and challenge that.
You say that challenging the beliefs isn't doing much. I felt the same way early on when I was learning CBT with the help of a therapist. The writing exercises and stuff felt a bit pointless and I couldn't see the link between my default thoughts and the panic disorder I was experiencing. For me (and most people who try CBT), it took around 3 to 4 weeks of practice before challenging negative thoughts started to become noticeably helpful. I also used medication, which seemed to make the CBT a bit easier - thoughts weren't as difficult to control, if that makes sense.
Anyway, if you think CBT is worth another try I'd love to hear how you go. In the meantime remember to be kind to yourself, and keep challenging any unhelpful thoughts you identify, making sure it's with a kind and self-caring disposition.
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