Constantly reliving negative social memories?

[byuuy892]

Hello. My mind will constantly pop up with negative social memories from my past, particularly from late primary school and high school. I've been having this issue since around 2018. I'm in my early 20s and haven't socialised much since, hence not many opportunities for new negative memories (but some exist).

Context:

I've had persistently negative social experiences for a long period (or so I perceive). I was a very shy kid. From around the age of 10 I felt I was being mistreated socially, my mental health became overall negative, and has been there ever since. The core beliefs I have developed are something along the lines of "I'm unlikeable" and that "I don't know how to socialise". I remember having severe levels of social anxiety in school (sore stomach before school, constantly keeping hands in pockets, being unable to speak properly, etc). Whilst I'm socially anxious now, it's no where near to the same extent. Although my "social performance" still feels inadequate.

Types of Memories:

- Times people mistreated me (bullied, excluded, mocked, etc.)

- Instances where I perceive that people disliked me (telling me to shut up, giving me that "why are you here" sort of look, etc).

- Embarrassing things I did (usually the things need to imply that I'm unlikeable or socially incompetent, otherwise they aren't a big deal)

- Times I was bad to others (I didn't do this super often, but I feel severe guilt about it)

My question:

So, what can I do to assuage/stop the constant reliving of negative memories I experience? Even if I assume I am unlikeable etc., I just don't see how constantly reliving the memories serves me. It's torturing me for no benefit, every day. It feels like something unresolved that my mind has been in severe strife about for a very long time. I understand people with PTSD will relive their memories, but that's much more understandable to me, it would be very difficult to process those sorts of experiences. It's driving me insane. Is this something I just have to accept until I maybe solve my social isolation/struggles in the future? Is this some rare issue only I face? What do I do?

[Eagle Ray]

Hi Guest_95382735,

I think negative social memories can haunt us, especially if they happen in our formative years. The psychologist Rick Hanson mentions how we can have Velcro for the bad experiences and Teflon for the good experiences. In other words, bad experiences really stick to us and are hard to shake, while in comparison we can forget about the good things as they are overshadowed by the bad experiences. He says this is a natural survival response as we don’t want to have the bad experiences again, but that can mean we find ourselves going over and over them which is our brain and nervous system trying to internally resolve and avoid future bad experiences.

I think some of the best antidotes are finding new experiences that give us different feelings and also meditation can sometimes help if it helps calm repetitive thoughts. If we have positive experiences that lift us those experiences are disconfirming, meaning that they teach the primal part of us that we are not bad and only full of awful memories. It is possible to begin to contain positive, nurturing and healing memories. As the experience of these feelings grow, the bad memories can start to fade and be less at the forefront of our thoughts and less a driver of our feelings.

I think beginning to connect with others can help too, perhaps around a common interest. I just mentioned to someone on another thread about Meetup groups where you can meet others with common interests. There is a Meetup website and app where you can look for such groups. It doesn’t have to be that in particular, but even just making gentle forays out into the world in areas of interest to you may be a way of having some positive social interactions that start to create a different reality for you.

Like you I felt fairly isolated in school and had some not great experiences. I have often felt very isolated. But I do notice how much of a difference it makes just having a few good social encounters/interactions. I happen to love dogs, so I sometimes end up in a conversation with a dog owner and ask them if it’s ok to pat their dog which often leads to a nice conversation. So I think just starting small and gradually building good feelings and memories can start to turn things around.

If it feels really hard doing these things on your own you could also try working with a psychologist or counsellor. They may be able to help with strategies and approaches tailored to your desire to have the negative social memories fade and to be able to feel different. If you see a psychologist you can get 10 sessions with a Medicare rebate per year if you get a referral from your GP. It can be helpful if stuck and wanting to move through into a different reality than what you’re currently experiencing.

Take care and all the best.

[byuuy892]

Thank you very much for the reply. I think your point of the brain "trying to internally resolve and avoid future bad experiences" is a good summation of the issue. But most importantly, the primary solution you have discussed of finding new experiences to counter-act the memories/thoughts seems very appropriate.

Regarding therapy, I've had many wasteful experiences. However, I am set to see a new person soon, who seems to be more aligned with trying to help me achieve what I want, particular with tackling my barriers of anxiety and rumination (towards socialising being top priority, alongside procrastination). Fixating on seeking out experiences will be key as you mention.

An issue I tend to have when seeking new social encounters is being burned/hurt. I believe it's a mix of poor selection of where I'm socialising, but also my negative skewing and avoidance. I think seeing a psychologist, and trying techniques such as the baby steps you've mentioned, should make a substantial difference.

In any case, I appreciate the response, and will be integrating what you've said into my future forays into socialisation.

[Eagle Ray]

Dear byuuy892,

I hear you with regard to therapy as I had some not so good experiences in the past too. I think you often do have to try a few until you find someone you gel with who is aligned with what works for you. I also found the experiences that didn’t work so well told me something more about myself as a person and what my actual needs are. So, for example, if a therapist interrupted me a lot and I lost my train of thought, I realised I needed to have someone I felt was really listening and gave me the space to express myself, especially as having my self expression stifled was a common experience in the past. It is a very personal thing therapy and different approaches definitely suit different people.

I have strong avoidance tendencies myself and I agree that past experiences can put you off reaching out again. But I have heard a quote along the lines of “When you think all is lost, just try one more time”. It is sometimes a case of finding the right people in the right context that fit with your nature as a person. I think gentle forays out into the world can help and not being put off if something doesn’t always go as hoped. Every time you reach out you are being courageous which is wonderful in itself. So be proud of yourself for your efforts. All the very best!