Being present/grounding yourself??

[kned]

I'm finding it really hard to be present with my husband and kids.

My mind is always thinking about what I need to do (washing, cleaning etc), my job, the mental load that comes with having a young family and all the things I need to keep a track of.

I feel like it is getting too much for me. Like my husband is a housemate and we are drifting along but on different paths. 

I spoke to a Psychologist 6 months ago and they were really lovely, but basically just said to me that my life was too busy and I needed to change things. I tried but I just cant find a way to change it! My kids and their needs will always be there, my work is part time but it is basically a full time job squeezed into less days. 

I try to have time out for myself but it rarely happens due to various reasons. 

I feel anxious often and like life is rushing by but I'm not really enjoying it/feeling pleasure in the small things. 

Are there any apps that help with anxiety? or websites with ideas to try?

[Petal22]

Hi kned,

Im sorry you are feeling this way.

It takes practice to be present.

If you want to be more present with your husband and kids then that’s something you will need to work on within yourself.

When you are with them and you find your mind wondering off to other things then you need to become aware of this and then you need to direct your attention back onto your husband and kids……. It takes practice and inner work.

I understand that our minds do tend to race of with all of the things we need to do but you need to train your attention to just focus on the task at hand.

House work is there but we can choose to let it worry us or just let the worries go…

You can only do one thing at once just try to breathe and accept this.

Be ok with not getting everything done… it’s ok..

You could practice attention training or do a meditation that exercises your attention.

[blues23]

Hi kned

i feel the same as you I’m a single parent however so there is no secondary person even thou you have a husband can he take the load off you a bit ( say he do dishes , washing ect )  lots of people I know who are married / live with another have this problem of one person doing the majority of the load while the other does a bit . Tone alone is hard as you get none with young kids I’m the same . Perhaps ask u husband to help u more & I don’t know how to manage the load of thinking bout things you have to do as I’m like that every day there is no respite none 

[ecomama]

Hey kned & Blues23, welcome to the forums... waves to Petal! 

I'm sorry this time is feeling so burdensome to you both. It IS a massive set of responsibilities raising children, no denying it! HUGS! 

It's hard. 

I'm also a single parent (again) of many children but in my case, there's ZERO reason for sympathy lol, I triumphed leaving a toxic "marriage" & the hell that involved. 

I have adult children + grand children now. Still quite a few living at home. 

A thought that really helped bring me back to what's important was "Your children won't remember the cobwebs in the corner or the unwashed dishes, but they will be a product of the love and time you spend with them". Now I have adult children I can say that the proof is in those words. 

Leaning into this time works. 
Not comparing ourselves to others is paramount! 

When the kids were little, still now, I thought of activities I might enjoy WITH them. I found all sorts of fun things to do with them, even with the mess! That was fine. They're all so creative now, I'm so happy I spent time with them doing these things. 

kned, making a hot cuppa to drink in a travel cup (or 2) and leaving for work 15 mins earlier... finding a pretty, natural spot to stop the car, look at nature, drink your cuppa. BREATHE. 
I know there's a rush in the morning. You can opt for afternoons. Lunch times. 

I have so many more tips if you're interested. 
Tweaking little things here & there, then making major changes where it counts will all help. 

You've so got this peeps! 
Love EM

[kned]

Thank you all for replying!

And thank you ecomum for your suggestions too.

I honestly take my hat off to single parents. It's a hard gig! My husband is amazing but he's also busy and away a lot with work, so we are trying to manage as best as we can.

I do know I need to try work on things myself. I've tried, honestly. It goes well for a few days then I fall back into feeling overwhelmed and exhausted and anxious that I can't keep on top of everything.

I do need to focus less on the things that aren't a priority - the cobwebs, if clothes sit in the washing baskets for an extra day or 2, if the toys aren't pack away every day. 

I am going to try find some ways to manage better and try to keep myself accountable too! 

Thanks again, I truly appreciate the support.

[ecomama]

Hey kned, not being so hard on yourself, even mentally, is very helpful. 

If I had a dollar for every parent that told me "I wouldn't do THAT" about what I was doing lol... I'd be rich. But in hindsight, and I have decades of it now.... I bet they wished they DID spend time with their kids doing some of the things I did (most if not all of my friends kids have had MAJOR issues, thankfully seldom seen with my children, like ever). 

Spending time with them TO put their toys away. It may take extra time for a month or 6 months, but showing them HOW to do this, making it fun with a pack away song or I used "20 minutes on the clock" and timed us.... it's teaching our kids more than just how to pack their toys away because it annoys US. 
It teaches responsibility. Care for their property. Organisation skills. Cleaning skills. 

After around 5yo I seldom cleaned the kids' rooms. Never did this alone. Always "Hey on Saturday we'll put 20mins on the clock and we can clean your room together".... lol usually it was all done before Saturday! 

I swear I have SO many teenagers living at home and I NEVER clean their rooms. They keep them so much tidier than any teens I've known. 
They're leagues ahead of me lol. 

Let them get to know you by sharing what you love. All my kids know "Pride and Prejudice" word for word lol! 

If your kids are fed, have beds to sleep in, go to school alot, are happy some of the time lol, still talk to you? 
You're triumphant as a parent. 

Love EM

[blues23]

1. It’s so true kned don’t worry about the washing I leave mine in the basket for days after it’s dried just cause I either can’t be bothered putting it away or am just too busy not to want to put it away , my house is loaded with cobwebs inside and outside lol the toys never stay away or get put away much . My house is a mess but i really don’t care I try to have nice moments with my daughter even if it’s just walk in the park it gets me outta my head and feel refreshed again even if it’s for a moment that moment is so so good to have. Try to find moments where u can chill eventually hopefully we both have these moments they eventually will become more than just moments. 

[Petal22]

That’s ok kned.

If you feel it would be helpful you could have a chat to your gp about the way you are feeling.

Yes please try not to put too much pressure on your self it doesn’t matter if everything isn’t done in the house.

Yes try to stress less about the house when you get to it you get to it, when you find yourself stressing over it again, just slowly breathe and remind yourself that you can only do what you can do and then focus your attention on something more positive like spending time with your children.

Our minds will always wonder back to our to do list but the trick is not to allow this to consume your mind and take control because this is when our anxiety spikes.

Allow the thoughts and then just allow them to float away.

You are in control and it’s up to you where your attention goes.

It just takes practice.