any type of help at all please.

[mcc]

I am 23 years old and I have suffered from Anxiety for as long as I can remember (around 10 years) but I have been on and off medication for a few years and fairly recently found myself back on it. I guess for the past couple of years I haven't really given myself a good looking at and just brushed all my feelings as “Anxiety” but I have become more aware of how I have been feeling and it is definitely worse than that. I am definitely going through a state of depression but I have been researching my mental health and the way I act and all signs are leading towards Borderline Personality Disorder. I know I’m not the professional and tests coming back online are not to be taken as a diagnosis but I am just going off how I am truly feeling. Things like I struggle with relationships and are always doubting or worried about them, I can get overly angry at the drop of a hat and overreact, I have constant paranoia about every possible thing, I like one thing one day and then no interest the next, I dont want to go and do things that I used to, I'm increasingly insecure in how I look, I have impulsive behaviours like randomly spending lots of money and also a bit of alcohol consumption which has lead to me giving it up, I am nervous, sad and scared 95% of the time and I have this constant feeling of emptiness which in past I just put all of this under the explanation of Anxiety. There is times where I have this feeling that I am actually not even myself. I don’t really know how to explain that part but it's scary and it's just all too much. I'd say I havent been myself for a few years and told myself its anxiety but only over the past 4 or so months it has gotten to a point where I feel worthless and helpless and I cant even tell you why this has all come about. I am just like this. I went and visited a counsellor for the first time today and I got pretty emotional but also couldn't 100% express how I am feeling.

I just need any tips at all to help me get through to next week when I see them again.

Sorry if this isn't the right way to do this or silly but only new to this forum and I am just at a point where I need any tips or help possible.

[Sophie_M]

Hey Mcc,

Welcome to the Beyond Blue forums, it's great to have you join us here. 

We're sorry to hear about everything you've been experiencing. It sounds like a lot to manage. Please know that you've come to a safe, non-judgemental space to talk about your thoughts and feelings, and our wonderful community is here to provide you with as much support, advice and conversation as you need.

It's great to hear that you have sought support from a counsellor. We think it's really strong of you and so important that you have been so proactive in recognising you need some help and seeking it.

We recognise that this must be an overwhelming situation for you, so we just wanted to let you know that if you find yourself feeling particularly overwhelmed before receiving further mental health support, please know that there is help available to you.  The Beyond Blue Support Service on 1300 22 4636 is available to provide support and advice 24/7 (www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport). Please do feel free to use our Support Service to talk through what's on your mind when it's feeling like too much to cope with.

We hope that a few of our members will pop by with some words of wisdom for you. Welcome again!
 
 

[smallwolf]

Hello there and welcome to the beyond blue forums.

Firstly I would commend you for seeing a counselor - that is a big step and brave thing to do.

Now I have been seeing a psychologist for a while and in that time I have also done the internet searches like you and found things in myself. However when I brought that up with my psychologist I was wrong. It's ok to get an idea but not self diagnosis.

Try not to be critical of yourself in your first session. The first session is a get to know you and see where things are. And it sounds like you were being yourself and honest. So to get through the next period of time... My suggestion would be to install an app on your phone like smiling mind which has a lot of tools to handle stress etc. Headspace is another good one. Other people here might have other suggestions. Of course posting here is helpful as well.

I hope some of this helps. Listening to you.

[romantic_thi3f]

Hi mcc,

Welcome to the forums and I'm glad you joined us- and sidenote: not silly at all, you did great with your first post.

I'm really glad you were able to see a counsellor for the first time; it sounds like it's been a long time coming. I agree with you that tests online aren't to be taken as a diagnosis, but at the same time sometimes it can be really helpful to find things that you can relate to. In the same way people can feel comforted with a diagnosis of autism- just encapsulating all the things going on for them. (I hope that similarity makes sense!)

Do you think it's worth sharing what you've shared here with your counsellor? I think it might really help for them to know how you are feeling.

As for tips, I'm not sure if you'd find it helpful but I really like to journal things out- some people use the forums too, but I prefer writing things down in a notebook. But any sort of 'release' can be really helpful depending on what you like.

rt

[mcc]

Thanks all for the replies. I really appreciate them.

I am not going to lie I have been struggling since the counsellor's session and have seen the doctor again today to say that I am not doing ok and I told her about what the tests were saying online and how I am feeling and stuff like that and she has organised for me to see a psychiatrist which I really appreciate and think that its needed. I am obviously scared and just want all of this to go. There has been times over the years when I could hide this feeling and nobody would ever know but its just become too much and I am scared.

I appreciate the journal idea. I have been doing that for a week or so now and I cant tell if its working yet. Coming on here and letting it out a bit also helps.

Thanks again everyone. M

[romantic_thi3f]

Hi M.

It's really good to hear back from you, and it's also good to hear about your doctor linking you up with a psychiatrist. She sounds like she listens and cares about you.

How did the counselling session go? Can you tell us what's making you scared?

It's good you've been journalling! I'm not sure if I ever noticed a difference straightaway- although sometimes it just feels good to get it off your chest and say the things you can't say to people yet. Especially if you've been wearing a mask for a while with people not knowing how you are really feeling.

I hope your week goes well.

rt

[smallwolf]

Fwiw. I see a psychiatrist also and have been for a few years now. And fingers crossed you will find one that you have good rapport with. I have been lucky in that manner. For myself, similar to (my/) a psychologist get to talk about things troubling me ... and reviewing medication of course. Who will be able to help you to see things from different perspectives. This healing may take time, but know there are people who care about you and will walk this journey with you in person and here.

[mcc]

Thank you again for both getting back to me.

The doctor has been really good to me. This new medication is helping me actually get to sleep for a bit so thats been good. Yes but I haven't heard from the Psychiatrist yet to book me in and even that is making me worry that something is wrong.

The counselling session went well for what I could get out. I have my second session tomorrow that I have told myself all week to be ready for and to open up a bit more so hopefully I can when I am in there.

As to what I am scared of. I am scared to find out what exactly is wrong with me. Like I have been looking in to it more and more and trying to accept it but I am just scared. I am scared all of this wont go away. I am scared of changing even more trying to accept it. I am scared that people will treat or look at me differently. I am just not in a good way at the moment and hate who I've become but in saying that I guess I am proud of myself for taking the right steps towards getting fixed.

Thanks again. M

[smallwolf]

It can sometimes take a few days for them to get back to you. I would suggest that if you have not heard from them after a few days you could call to check out what is happening. It also depends on the function of the psychiatrist - that is, other than monitoring the medication.(My bad, you are also looking for a diagnosis.)

And hopefully you are finding the sessions with my counselor beneficial.

On being scared ... my experience has shown that many people will go through some problems in their life. And for some it is more persistent. And for myself, I am resigned to the fact it may be a life long journey. Part of this is related to haemochromatosis but ... I digress. People don't always talk about it and most are supportive. That being scared of how people would treat me was present, but the more I spoke about it, people would say I was brave to taking action and getting help. I hope the same would apply to you. And you are doing all the right things.

[romantic_thi3f]

Hi M,

Wonderful to hear about medication helping you sleep! I agree with Smallwolf with the psychiatrist; I am sure that the reason you haven't heard back yet is just time. It would be a good idea to follow up and hopefully there's not a long waiting list.

Hm, thank you for sharing with us why you are scared. That makes sense. I too am proud that you decided to reach out and get some help- that's not easy! I think that these feelings are part of the pros and cons of a diagnosis and what that would mean to you if it was BPD. I'm not sure if it will be helpful, but try to remember you are M before you walk into their office and you are M when you walk out of their office.

A diagnosis can be really powerful, but all it is is a clinical name for a bunch of behaviours. Pretty much all of us will meet bits and pieces of various diagnoses but not necessarily fulfil the criteria for one. BPD, anxiety, depression, trauma - it can all be managed and worked through. You don't need to be fixed, because you're not broken.

I hope this helps a little! Best of luck with the counselling session today; hope it goes well.

rt 🙂