Anxiety, OCD causing intrusive thoughts - running on 3 hours sleep. Help.

[Gambit87]

Hello legends.

I'm scared and I need to get this off my chest.

So I've come to the realisation that I probably have some form of depression (I shouldn't trust Dr google, but some of the signs are there). My anxiety levels have been through the roof lately (more than likely because I've been by myself for the last 6 weeks while my partner has been on holiday - she gets back tomorrow). I've been getting really intense and graphic intrusive thoughts.

These thoughts have been mainly 'if I hurt myself- how long would It take for the ambo to get me?' or just the words 'kill?' it gives me the absolute heeby jeebies.

Now - I love life. I will always choose life. I would never do anything to harm myself or anyone else (also my brother is a paramedic and I'm mortally afraid that if I call an ambo for any reason - he'll get the call). I know these are just thoughts and thoughts pass but I obsess over them. When I obsess I tell myself 'you're stronger then that' 'you're not a serial killer or a people basher - stop being silly' but I also tell myself off harshly for thinking such things in the first place. My days are mostly filled with intrusive thoughts, reassuring myself I'm not a bad person then telling myself off for having those thoughts. It really drains me.

I'm trying really hard to be positive, trying to let these thoughts just pass by but the more I do, the more intense it is and I feel I'm loosing it?

I'm using the smiling mind app for meditation and it take the edge off (shame I cant meditate 24/7) and I'm getting out and about to help clear the mind.

I've got an appointment booked with my GP to finalise my mental health plan so I can start some therapy but the appointment isn't until Saturday.

I'm sorry for the long post, but I really needed to get my thoughts out and to see if anyone had any tips. I feel like I've reached uncharted territory and I need some light.

thank you so much for reading.

[Cerise547]

Hi Gambit87, and welcome to the forums.

It sounds like you’re going through a pretty tough time at the moment, especially since you’ve been alone for several weeks. I think loneliness can make anxiety/depression a lot worse, or at least it has in my experience.

Your intrusive thoughts sound really distressing, and I’m sorry you have to go through that. I totally understand when you say that the more you try and let the thoughts go, the stronger they get. I’ve had similar experiences in the past, as I’ve had some pretty severe intrusive thoughts at times. I’ve found that the more you try and fight the thoughts, the harder it is to let them go. In my experience, while I try to just ignore them and let them pass, I tend to try and “solve” my anxiety, like come to a concrete answer, for example whether I’m a bad person or not because of these thoughts.

I’ve discussed this with my psychologist, and she has said that one of toughest parts of getting rid of intrusive thoughts is dealing with the emotional connection to the thought. The thing that keeps the thoughts coming back is that when you have the thought, you may have a strong (mental or physical) emotional connection to it, causing your brain to cling to it.

One of the toughest parts of my ongoing recovery is letting a thought pass WITHOUT an emotional reaction to it, because that’s what keeps it coming back. Some strategies I’ve learned to help with this:

- Look at your thoughts as clouds passing through the sky; observe them. Look at your thoughts as things separate to yourself. Observe them outwardly, and just think “oh, there goes a thought”

- distracting yourself physically: pick up something a fiddle with it, name 3 things you can see, hear, smell, touch, etc (this can help short circuit your thoughts), chat with someone

- (this sounds strange, but actually works) imagine physically removing the thought from your mind, whether that be kicking the thought into space, knocking it away, scrunching it up like a piece of paper and throwing it in the bin, popping it in a box and placing at the back of the top shelf of your mind, popping it in a box and sending it drifting along a river

It’s good that you’re going meditation, that can really help keep you grounded and present. Keep practicing so you can get into the habit. I’m also glad that you’re seeing your GP, they will be able to help you to get the help that you need. Don’t be shy to be honest with them, they are professionals.

All the best 🙂

Cerise

[Gambit87]

Thank you so much for your reply.

I'll definitely be using those strategies.

yesterday was so scary, I've never experienced anything like that before. I broke down again to the doctor while I was being open.

I spoke to my sister, and caught up with 2 friends yesterday (patted one of their dogs aswell haha) and I had moments of freedom from my mind.

I know I can get though this.

Thanks again for your reply - I really appreciate it.