Anxiety and relationships

[mads8796]

Hi all,

I’m new here, and apologies in advance for the mess this post may be.

I have struggled with anxiety for a long time now. I started dating this guy 6 months ago who I am head over heels in love with. But he doesn’t understand anxiety at all and really struggles with my anxiety. I’ve tried numerous ways of talking with him about it, but nothing clicks. He gets stressed and frustrated. He’s got a very dismissive/avoidant attachment style when it comes to discussing serious things whereas I am very much an anxious attachment person. In every other aspect of our relationship, we are PERFECT. honestly, he is amazing and we work so well together.

We got in our first massive fight last week, where our relationship almost ended (over the dumbest thing that was exaggerated by my own anxiety) and now he has gone on a trip to the snow with the guys this week. My anxiety is at an all time high. We worked throughout relationship before he left and we are “good”. However, at the back of my mind, there is a voice telling me he is going to cheat on me because he is still mad at me. He has given me NO reason to feel this way, and I know logically that it is my anxiety talking, but I can’t stop this pit in my stomach. I don’t want to be needy, or put this anxiety on him because he honestly deserves a fun week with his friends right now. I was cheated on in my last long term relationship when we were living together, so I know that trauma has something to do with this

I guess my question is, how can I help ease this? And is it possible to to cope with my anxiety when my partner simply cannot understand it and has a very different communication / attachment style to me?

im so scared of ruining the first relationship I feel so great about and can see a REAL future with. Please help.

[T40]

Hello Dear,

I know what it's like to tell someone who doesn't understand or doesn't want to understand. If you are happy about every other aspect of your relationship then it's up to you how you handle the situation. Our past experiences haunt us but overtime they become weak. Being in control is very important to aviod anxeity attacks - saying that is easy but we are only humans, not everything goes according to our plans.

It's good to know that you are aware of our feelings and I'am sure you can overcome your negetive thoughts by using these techniques to reduce anxeity like meditation, yoga, listening to motivational speaches on YouTube etc...

Being in close contact with your partner helps to reduce anxeity - perhaps make a call or text to see how it's all going... and show your support. All the best!

[Nurse_Jenn]

Hi there mads8796,

Welcome to the forum. Anxiety can get in the way of so many great things. I am sorry to hear you are struggling. One of the biggest steps is recognising that there is an issue in the first place and you definitely have taken this step which is really important. I wonder if you have ever had a health professional work with you to understand and help manage your anxiety better?

There are a lot of really great ways to help with anxiety and worry like Cognitive Behaviour Therapy and Mindfulness. Being able to identify triggers to your anxiety can also be really helpful and creating a journal about when you have felt the most calm and when you feel the most anxious can be sometimes help identify patterns.

There is a great program called Mindspot that is an online course with some telephone based support that goes over 8-weeks that can help you to understand your anxiety better and learn strategies and skills to overcome your worry. You can read about it here https://mindspot.org.au/wellbeing-course

I personally have had similar experiences with worry in relationships and learning how to trust again. It took time and persistence to learn how to stay in the 'now' rather than worry about the unknown 'what if's' of the future or churn over things said in the past. Mindfulness can help take you to the now, and help you get your mind into the present which is a place that is a bit more simple. The drama that we make up in our minds about what could happen is pretty exciting and scary, and it is what our mind tends to wander to.

There is a really good app called Smiling Mind that can people learn some mindfulness techniques. By practicing, you can re-center when your thoughts start to race towards a worrying future and focus on what is right in front of you. There is also a podcast called 'Mindfully' on the abc and there is a segment about Mindfulness and Relationships over a few episodes that can be found here for your interest

https://www.abc.net.au/radio/programs/mindfully/mindfulness-and-relationships-explained/12450284

Learning about each other in relationship is a journey that has ups and downs. Learning about how to ease worry is also a journey, and it too will have ups and downs. The forum is a great place to learn about other peoples stories and also talk about your own. You are not alone.

Sending you strength,

Nurse Jenn

[mads8796]

Hi Nurse Jenn,

thank you so much for those recommendations, I listened to the mindfulness podcast last night and it really resonated with me. I’m feeling a little better today and trying to bring myself back to the present any time I feel my mind wandering off. It’s hard, but consciously making an effort helps. Thank you x

[mads8796]

Thank you T@40.

I am feeling a little better this morning after receiving some cute and sweet drunk text messages from my boyfriend last night. 🙂 we aren’t messaging a lot, but he’s checked in a couple of times to let me know he’s having fun xx