Alcoholic mum and rape by friend

[Christine_D]

Hi, I have suffered from anxiety and depression for a long time. It all started when I was young and had issues with constipation and also having a mum who was an alcoholic and verbally abused me leaving me with low self esteem. She would climb into my bed at the middle of the night and say terrible things about me and my dad. My reaction was to freeze and my body would go completely stiff. This was how I also reacted when a guy I knew raped me. I couldn't move and this has led me to blaming myself, especially as I was a virgin even though I was in my mid 20's. Even though I am now in my 50's, both still haunt me.
They have had massive impacts on my life as I never had a boyfriend and I have a lot of anger against my mother and don't see her much even though she is in a care facility. I feel guilty for this.
I fear the unknown and am worried about offending people. In my last job I was bullied which caused me to have loads of panic attacks and stay home as this way my safe place. So much so, that I grew scared to leave the house. I feel anxious a lot of the time and have been on a disability pension due to my anxiety and depression. I feel like I have wasted my life and that I'm pathetic. That I am a burden to everyone and society.

[Peppermintbach]

Hi Christine,

I really feel for you. You have clearly been through some horrific traumas. The hurt & betrayal from it all must be devastating. You carry so much pain in your heart...

Your trauma has affected so much of your life. I can see why you feel so anxious & I sense your feelings of inner turmoil towards your Mum. She has hurt you a lot..

But I absolutely do not think that you are “pathetic” or a “burden” as you put it. I simply believe you are someone who has been hurt a lot, & who carries a lot of pain inside. Pain that affects their daily life, but who still tries to get by...I think there is vast hidden beauty & courage in doing that. Getting by...

Also, the fact that you’re reaching out & opening up here is very brave.

Is it okay if I ask how have you been doing since your opening post?

kindness and care,

Pepper