Advice needed

[mynameismaddie]

I suffer with anorexia, anxiety, depression and OCD. I have been receiving treatment for the last 10 years but am still struggling. Anyway I wanted some advice about an upcoming dinner. I can’t eat in front of people and have to eat at the same time and eat the same things everyday. Usually I just avoid social occasions which are sit down meals but I would really like to go to this dinner as it involves a presentation I am interested in. I am also sick of missing out on everything. I don’t know how to go though without it being very embarrassing and I don’t know how to explain the fact I am not eating. Does anyone have any suggestions on how I could still attend without making a scene or is it best just not to go?

[Peppermintbach]

Hi mynameismaddie,

I would like to give you a gentle and kind welcome to the forums if that is okay with you. I hope you don’t mind...

I feel the last 10 years must have been very stressful and painful for you. You have clearly struggled and are struggling a lot.

I’m not sure if my suggestions will be helpful (or not) but I might give it a go anyway...there’s no obligation to take my suggestions on board unless you feel they might be useful.

Maybe try to walk in with a “plan” of some sorts. What I mean by this is try to see if you can get a hold of the menu beforehand.

I don’t mean so you can fixate over it but the idea is to identify any potentially triggering foods so you have some sort of advanced “game plan” rather than end up being surprised. For example, you might like to use gentle self talk as a strategy like telling yourself that you’re currently working on your recovery and that it’s okay to avoid triggering food item “a” (for now) but you will try to eat another food item “b” instead. Another example is coming up with potential comebacks to counter any comments you might receive about your eating/not eating that night.

As difficult as this may be, another option is to eat something beforehand. This way, at least some of you will hopefully be getting some nutrients that night.

Also, hopefully you will be going with at least one friend or loved one because they can be wonderful support and maybe also distract you with conversation...

Ultimately, perhaps try your best to enjoy the experience and remind yourself that you’re there to see the presentation above all else. I know this won’t be easy but try to acknowledge any steps and successes along the way like simply planning to go to this dinner is a huge achievement. I feel it’s very brave and I admire that.

If you feel like it (but no pressure), you can continue writing here for support 🙂

Kind and Caring thoughts,

Pepper

[Croix]

Dear Maddie~

Like Pepper I'd like to offer some thoughts, they may not fit, if not at least you will know people care and can relate to such difficulties..

I've a different type of anxiety to you and do not have an eating disorder (unless you count excessive enthusiasm:) I did find at one stage my world shrank, from a life with activities, friends, family and work down to family and work, then just work, then even less. I mention this because it sounds as if your world has shrunk too. Avoiding occasions because here is food must be terribly limiting, and make you feel bad that you cannot get yourself to go.

I do see your post as a pretty hopeful thing. You are actually contemplating ways and means of going. A desire to make your world a little larger. I am not sure if this makes sense or is unrealistic but the knowledge of your success in going may be enough for you to put up with questions about eating. I'm sure you could come up with a plausible excuse why food remains on your plate (even better than "I'm not hungry").

One thing I'm unsure about, if I came up with a plausible excuse would I be doing you a favor? This is a serious question, I'll give you one if you think it will do more good than harm. The reason I hesitate is that it may allow you to continue in your present non-eating state more comfortably. Please say what you think.

I tend to think the worst when anxiety is driving my thoughts, Even something as worrying as retuning to work having been in a psych ward turned out to be a non-event. People hardly noticed my absence and those that did just assumed I'd had some sort of illness or injury and simply said "Glad you are back, now that you are here I've been waiting for you to do ...."

Do you build up things too?

After 10 years has something changed to allow you to consider the dinner? It's a long time to be struggling. I think if it was me I'd be discussing any change in my feelings with a view to reviewing my regime to promote that change.

I've often fallen in a rut with my treatments and kept on going the same even though they have not always been that effective. In fact often it is my psych who points out I'm not improved and suggests fresh avenues.

To answer your question, yes I'd be pretty certain it is best to go. For your peace of mind have an escape strategy but please don't use it. Try to give ourself the satisfaction of having gone. Pepper's suggestion of going wiht a friend, if it is possible, sounds pretty good.

Croix

[Birdy77]

Hi Maddie,

Pepper and Croix have given you wise advice.

I'm not sure if I'll be helpful, but like the others, will give it a go.

I definitely think you should go, because it's the presentation that you're interested in, and even if you go and don't eat a thing, it's nobody's business really, but yours. Most people focus on themselves anyway, and if someone questions, you could say you're fasting, or something, people do these things for all sorts of reasons.

Pepper mentioned getting hold of the menu first ... these days, people have so many different dietary requirements, allergies, intolerance etc. You could ask for very specific food items on your plate. Loads of people need to this for many and varied reasons, don't feel embarrassed about it.

You mentioned you must eat at a specific time ... do you think you could work in the timing of this event? If not ... eat when you need to, but still go to the event .. it's better to expand your world of experience than not.

i hope you go and have a lovely time.

🌻birdy