2019: The hardest year of my life

[Learntoswim]

Hi,

I am new to this and this is my first post.
This year has pushed me to almost breaking point .
The start of the year I was in a job that was making me miserable, the environment was very toxic so I decided to leave as my anxiety was reaching new heights. I was waking up every night with panic attacks. I was lucky to find a job back in the industry I was very familiar with and although it was quite a bit less pay, it was a comfortable position and my anxiety pretty much vanished. It wasn’t until September when things really took a turn and I found myself back in an all too familiar place.
my wife was diagnosed with MS on Friday the 13th! This completely turned our world upside down and although she is also a type 1 diabetic, we were doing well at managing that. She was off work for 2 months , no income , couldn’t drive and relied on family members to be constantly here to help take care of our 4 year old. She has started to go back to work, on a part time basis which I am very proud of.my mother was involved in a major car accident 3 weeks ago and suffered some minor injuries. My best mate and wife just had a baby which needed open heart surgery at 1 week old . I have tried to be there for everyone in these situations , offer support and try and manage finances through my wife’s illness. I am starting a new job tomorrow which I started looking for to try and earn some more money and to take the burden off my wife . Today I feel like all these issues have built up to a point where I just don’t know how much more I can take . Another panic attack this morning at 3am and the anxiety of starting a new job is consuming me . I have been the go-to person all year for everyone and I have not done a thing for myself . The black dog is at its peak right now and there’s often times I feel like it’s all too much. The only things keeping me going is my wife and son. I feel trapped with no way out. I have forgotten what it means to enjoy life and to have a normal day to day...

[MissMara]

Hi Learntoswim,

I googled "I'm filled with anxiety" and then clicked on the beyond blue site then happened to find your post first in the online forums - I joined to reply and possibley post my own story.

I am sorry for all you are going through, it certainly is a lot for one person. It makes all my problems seem very small and i need a head check. I don't have some big advice for you. Just to say I hear you, I see you and I know you would do anything for your family.

I hope some good luck comes your way.

[Sophie_M]

Hey Learntoswim,
Welcome to the Beyond Blue forums 🙂 we're glad you've chosen to reach out today. We know it's a difficult step to take. 
We're so sorry to hear how overwhelming this year has been for you. All these stressful events are a lot for one person to handle, not to mention the extra stress of being the support for others. It seems like there's a lot of pressure on you right now with starting a new job, looking after your wife, mother and the finances. It's great that you have recognised this stress and are reaching out for support. 

We want you to know that things can always improve with the right support, and there is always support available to you. We understand that you might feel that things will not get better, but they absolutely can. 

We’d encourage you to reach out to our Support Service. We’re available 24/7 by phone on 1300 22 4636 or on Webchat 3pm-12am AEST on our website: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport. One of our professional mental health counsellors at our Support Service will give you support and point you in the right direction for help in your area. If you are having suicidal thoughts and are in immediate danger to yourself, always call 000.

We hope this morning has gotten a little better for you since you posted and we look forward to hearing back from you.
 

[Learntoswim]

Thank you.
I have always suffered anxiety and depression however it has never gotten this bad . In a way I feel like my own worst enemy. I created more stress on myself by starting a new job in the middle of everything else . I also can see why I chose to do this , out of necessity to provide for my family. I have never been one to put myself first . My family comes first , not me . Before today, I have never spoken about this stuff . I now know that it’s not just me who battles these demons , it’s very common but I just don’t know how to move forward and I don’t know if our lives will ever return to some sort of normality. I have also given up cigarettes earlier in the year which was another demon I still battle daily. I switched to e-cigarettes which seems to be my sneaky little pleasure . Alcohol has also started to become a turn-to on a daily basis. I feel like I’m just not mentally strong enough to deal with my own problems whilst I have everything else going on at the same time .

[Samsonsam]

I'm another one here to say I have no advice but all my best wishes go out to you. You've probably already done this but during times of hardship you can usually gain early access to your superannuation.

[Learntoswim]

Thank you samsonsam,

I have considered the superannuation option, right now we are managing ok but it’s definitely an option as a last resort.
right now I’m just taking one day at a time and cannot seem to look any further forward than that. I’m worried about the new job, not enjoying it, or not being able to meet expectations. I feel that if I’m not completely in control of a situation, then I plunge into the anxiety rabbit hole. I worry I’ll disappoint my family and myself. I know that tonight will be another sleepless night with another panic attack which will make tomorrow all that much harder .

[Katyonthehamsterwheel]

Hey there 🙂 You've certainly got a lot going on. I wonder if you are using any tools to help you cope, apart from the alcohol? My dr recommended a meditation app and I've been finding that helpful. Maybe a bit of meditation and some slow breathing before bed could be helpful for lessening the anxiety?

[Learntoswim]

I have been on anti depressants for the last couple of years . They do certainly help with sleep but I do know that it’s not good to mix with alcohol. I’ve been having 4-5 beers most days after work over these last couple of months.

[Guest_9043]

I have CPTSD with chronic depression and anxiety. From experience and learnt lessons I would suggest to think about starting to say NO. One tiny word that can alter so much in your life.

It will challenge you and you may find it very very hard to do and you may experience a lot come up. Saying NO is the most kindest and loving think you can do for self care right now. Remember when people get upset at your NO it is more about them than you. Hope this helps. All the best.

[Guest_6743]

Hugs to you and your family.