venting

[eche]

i've never vented before, and i doubt i will again, but i'm tired and stressed and unhappy and it keeps bothering me.

like a lot of people, i hate myself. i hate how i look, how i act, how i sound. i whine and cry by myself about how i'm a failure and sad and then do nothing about it afterwards. i'm not trying to change, even when i should be. i'm not trying to be happy, even when i should be. how much i hate myself feels ingrained into my identity and i don't want to get better. i'm failing in school. i'm leaving my relationships with others to drift off and disappear. i wake up, i sit down, and then for the rest of the day, i'm wasting my hours doing something i don't even find fun. i'm spending my time doing useless things just to distract myself from properly trying to be better or trying to be productive. i say i'm trying to, but really, i'm lying so i get more time to waste. i dwell on people's words and how much impact they have on me and then i cry about it and then i hate myself for doing so. a friend tried to get me to talk to my school's counselor, and i did, only to lie and go on wasting her time. i feel like a burden, i feel like a piece of trash, and i hate myself for doing so. i do hobbies i like, and singing cheers me up, gives me energy to at least try a little, but nobody wants to hear that, so i don't as much as i want to. i think i might hate my parents, my siblings, and i know i probably shouldn't, but i think i still do and i hate myself for that. i think i might even hate some of my friends, even when they haven't done anything wrong. i look online and i read about others like me, but it doesn't comfort me, it makes me feel like a fake, like someone who's trying to pretend to be sad and angsty and edgy. my parents talk to me about how i'm failing at school, how i can't seem to be productive, and then they ask me why i can't do anything about it. i have a fairly easy life. all i need to do is focus on schoolwork and friends and it's so easy but i can't do it properly. there's something wrong with me and i kind of know what it is but i don't want to get better. i know i'm probably going to change when i'm older, but i don't want to. i want to keep on hating myself.

[Sophie_M]

Hi Eche,

Thank you for sharing here. We’re sorry to hear how strong these feelings of self-hatred are for you. That must be incredible difficult, and we’re really glad you could share this here, as it must be really hard to sit with those feelings on your own.

It sounds like you’re feeling that you should be able to find things easy when you’re not. That would be really hard to hear when you're finding it tough, but no on should feel like they don’t deserve to express the way they feel. It does sound like it could be good to try to speak to someone. We can hear you found it difficult to talk to the school counsellor, do you think this is something you could try again, maybe taking in some notes to refer to so that you can tell them how you’re feeling, even if it becomes hard to communicate in the moment? Another option is speaking to a trusted adult, like a parent, teacher, or the GP. It’s really good that you’ve speaking to a friend about this, too.

We’d really recommend getting in touch with Kids Helpline to speak about this. They’re on 1800 55 1800, or you can speak to them on webchat here. There’s also the Beyond Blue support line on 1300 22 4636, or via webchat (11am-12am AEDT each day).v Both are here for you.

You mentioned singing makes you feel better. That’s good to hear. Do you get to do this much? Doing the things that make us feel happy or balanced is so important. Is there anything else that makes you feel this way?

We really don’t want you to feel like a burden, that’s a horrible thing to feel. Some of the lovely community members here on the forum may be able to relate to that feeling, and we hope you find some comfort in their words. We expect they’ll come across your thread soon. Here’s a few things it might be helpful to look at while you’re waiting:

• Self care for teens
• When your inner critic is giving you a tough time 
• How to ask for help
• Developing a positive body image

Thank you again for sharing here, Eche. It can be really hard to do that, and so we hope you can feel some pride in having done so.

Kind regards,

Sophie M
 

[james1]

Hey eche,

Welcome to the forums.

I'm so sad to hear that you hate yourself. It sounds really horrible to be in your mind at the moment and I'm grateful that you've come to share this with us, because it's a feeling that many people here can relate to, including myself.

One of the hardest things I found when I was also feeling really down on myself a few years ago was trying to get the energy to do anything. It seemed like nothing seemed to be worth it, and everything felt quite pointless. I also felt quite alone and like an outsider, even though I knew other people talked about feeling the same way. It was very hard for me to get out of this until I started speaking to more people about how I felt and about how they felt. Even though it didn't help immediately, I think it did at least help me feel listened to.

So it sounds absolutely exhausting and it's something I hope you can continue to share with us and with those who care about you. Sometimes, when we are incapable of feeling care for ourselves, we need to rely on others to do that. It's really important for you, and people who care about you (even if they don't show it!), that your pain is heard. So thank you for coming and speaking to us here, and I hope you feel like we are listening.

Did you want to share any of your hobbies? Are you part of a choir, or is this the singing that gets done in the shower when nobody's listening? 🙂

James