Turning 21 soon, Failed all my goals.
I'm not really sure why I am making a forum post but why not. I am turning 21 soon and feel that I have failed every goal I have. I am pathetic, nearly everyone I know has more shit together than I do and that includes people who only just turned 18. I have no dream, no purpose, no joy, nothing. Here is a list of stuff that I made for my psychologist. I wanted to know how other people around my age bracket are going. Sometimes it feels like my purpose is be awake, sleep then die and be forgotten in about a week. If you have found your self with similar feelings what have you done to improve things for your self?
Lack of enjoyment in life
No sense of accomplishment
No sense of relief
No sense of self-pride
No motivation to do anything
very little self-worth
Hearing about others life and getting depressed about my own.
Possibly jelly or envious
No real social life, very small number of friends (though they are dear to me, more then family)
Supportive of those around me but never myself
I am a failure and deserve nothing
Turning 21 and not achieved anything of note, none of my goals, I am running out of time destined to achieve nothing and be forgotten.
Fat 105kg and 6'2.5
My body type is no ones preference, the one person I have had sex with ignores body types.
All the people I have shown interest in never find me attractive. Of all the people I have asked out or similar, 1 has done anything with me, all others said no nearly always due to physical appearance or sexual preference.
Welcome to the forum today, it so lovely to have you join us and be vulnerable with us. This sounds really tough for you right now and it can be difficult to deal with what is considered failure. We have contacted you privately to offer you support.
Being a youth has its challenges and it can be hard to find your way sometimes. It can be hard to find purpose sometimes and to find joy. We recognise that you have thought a lot about your situation and we hope that you find a way to not be so hard on yourself while you are finding your way. There are supports for you if you that may help you.
There is an organisation called the Butterfly Foundation which offers support for eating disorders and body image issues. We'd recommend you check out their website - https://butterfly.org.au/
Kids Helpline are a confidential and anonymous, telephone and online counselling service specifically for young people aged 25 and under.
If you would like some help finding mental health support, we would recommend that you get in contact with the Beyond Blue Support Service. They are available 24/7 by phone on 1300 22 4636 or on Webchat 1pm-12am AEST on our website: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport One of our friendly counsellors will be able to talk through these feelings with you and can offer support, advice and referrals.
You are not alone; the community is here to support you.
Thankyou for a thorough post.
We all fall into the trap of comparing our goals with the goals achieved by others. This is fundamentally the wrong thing to do as we are all unique.
Better to set your own goals and initially set them to an achievable level, then raise the bar as you gain confidence.
Your ideal levels of accomplishments depends on your intellectual and physical abilities. E.g. I joined the Air Force at 17yo and had a goal higher than my abilities of radio technician. Whereas a friend had a goal of a fitter, he achieved his goal and remained one for 48 years, yes my school friend is still a fitter at 65yo.
I'm 138kg. My beautiful wife is 105kg. My wife is a joy to be with, I'd be lost without her. She jokes and cares for her appearance. I don't care that some other women have slim bodies or prettier faces...because I'm in love with my wife, not them.
There is a person out there suitable for you.
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A warm welcome to you Deltius, so glad you came here.
You provide a couple of deeply thoughtful lists and I'm sure painful ones in many ways. You also mention some key people in your life such as your close friends and that person who you were intimate with. I say 'key people' because I've found the people who typically lead me to question or feel supported are usually the people who hold keys to unlocking a lot of the answers I can be looking for when it comes to self understanding.
First, when it comes to that person who you were intimate with, are they the sort of person who looks beyond appearance, more so to feel? Do they love to feel excitement, to feel some connection, to feel pleasure and so on? If so, this sounds like the sort of person who enjoys feeling their way through life.
Sounds like your friends are perhaps the sort of people who generally raise you and lead you to try and see the best in yourself. Wonder if, as a group, you all challenge each other to go outside your comfort zone to 'vibe up' through adding ventures to life (adventuring). Do you tend to vibe on the same level for long periods of time until one of you or all of you can't tolerate the sameness anymore? Have you considered a collection of bucket lists that could last the next 60 years or so, raising each other to challenges on those lists? From low key challenges to ones that are thoroughly adrenaline pumping, finding what naturally psyches you up becomes the ultimate quest. You may come to find yourself as an adventurer, something you didn't know you were/are.
You mention 'Sometimes it feels like my purpose is be awake, sleep then die and be forgotten in about a week'. Wondering if you've ever considered a somewhat different take on this. What if your purpose is to wake up, put your old self to rest and have it naturally disintegrate (not an easy process by the way). It is said that the first sign of waking up is to question everything - How did I get here (to this point in my life), what is my purpose and how do I find the path of lest resistance (aka going with the flow)?
Personally, I've found that finding some solid leaders in my life makes a massive difference. Who do you know who can lead you to difference, a change in perception and a more feeling connection to life (helping you identify key feelings and what they really mean)? Who springs to mind?
I personally have never had a role model or someone I look up to. The only friend I semi looked up to has requested I cease (I have about 4 friends). The person I was intimate with was a FWB and you are right in that she does not value physical appearance so much. I admittedly have extreme issues with it comes to my self based on a large amount of past experience and other shenanigans. Your perspective is an interesting one that I will think about. I appreciate your response.
I'm 24 and experience a lot of the same thoughts you do. I'm at a point now where I see people post about their careers, marriages and kids on social media. I have no idea what I want out of life yet or what my purpose is - and that's not a bad thing!
While my life isn't much on paper (I haven't achieved a lot of the things I see others share), I acknowledge my achievements that are outside of this "regular" scope. For example, I moved states at 20 years old, by myself with no assistance from my parents. That's incredible! I'm overweight too and my body allows me to do the things that I need to do in life like nourish myself and get from point A to point B.
Being grateful for these things has helped me through really difficult times. Your value is not based on what you have achieved or how stereo-typically "successful" you are but who you are as a person. The world is your oyster and you deserve everything you make of it. It sounds like you have an amazing network around you as well, so please remember you're not alone 🙂
Definitely a shame when we've got no obvious positive role models in life. Often, in this case, a lot of the people around us can be left modeling all the wrong things. Kinda like 'Let me lead you to stay attached to judging harshly (self and others). Let me lead you to suppressing your emotions. Let me lead you to not finding the best in yourself'. It's a long list.
How great would it be to have someone show up at the door (in a non scary way) and say 'Okay, I'm here to give you a crash course in life. It'll take me a month to get you started then rest is up to you'. I admit, I'm a shocker when it comes to self discipline so they'd have to come back on occasion for a refresher and to keep me on track 🙂
In my opinion, one of the hardest things to do in life is...raise yourself. It's like you become that person who shows up at the door. The trouble is...where do you start? How do you start that 'crash course'? Actually, when you're doing it yourself, it's more like a slow and painstaking course with moments that can be both frustrating and potentially depressing. I know, I don't really paint a highly inspiring picture, hey. I should add there can be many moments of revelation and inspiration. You know, like 'Oh my god, that makes perfect sense. I can't believe I haven't seen that before now!'
If there was such a course, I believe the 1st part to be the hardest - Self questioning. This is where we can be incredibly brutal on our self if we're not careful. We could ask the question (one that feels more like a statement) 'Why am I such a loser?!' While this sounds like a cruel question, it remains a valid one if we're willing to dig a little. By the way, it's potentially depressing to just stop there, at this question. 'What do I lose? What have I lost? Why do I lose this? Why have I lost this? How can I regain it? Where are my resources for doing this? Do I need skills that have never been given to me? Who are the saboteurs in my life? How and why are they saboteurs?' and so on. In the process of waking up to coming to know yourself better, you become your own psychologist in a way. It's like you become a conscious observer of your self. In this process, a lot of people can be left saying 'No wonder I believe what I believe. I've been conditioned to believe it. Without that belief/those beliefs, without that conditioning, who am I, really?' First major epiphany in my own life after coming out of depression, 'I have no idea who I naturally am'.
Definitely get the self reflection approach as being potentially depressing, esp when there are no key guides to lead to the kind of revelations that make a difference.
Can remember when I first came out of 15 years or so in depression, I was like a different person. Was so high in energy, optimistic and so incredibly excited. The people I knew, family included, 'tolerated' me while giving me plenty of advice on how I needed to tone it down and get real. After months of being rejected in various ways, I gave up being me. Back to my people pleasing self I went until I couldn't tolerate it anymore. I could feel myself becoming deeply depressed. I then met a guy who changed my life. He's kind of like a spiritual coach, a coach of the 'natural self' you could say. He advised me to forgive myself for moving off the path to becoming who I truly am. He advised that people will throw mud and sh#t and I have to be prepared for that, prepared to wash it off, not let it stick. On my way home from seeing him I pulled up to a set of lights and looked over to my right where a huge billboard read 'Wash off the mud'. An add for washing detergent 🙂
Sometimes I wonder if I hadn't met this guy all those years ago, would I be back in the depths of depression, a truly torturous place to live. He's become one of my key guides in life when I'm feeling completely lost on occasion. He's a beautiful person who makes a big difference. He also understands the pain of rejection, being such an unconventional person. He admitted that when he decided to change his career from Life Coach to Spiritual Coach, he knew he'd be belittled/degraded for it but he could no longer tolerate not making the change, it was becoming depressing for him. Another key thing he taught me: Find your circle.
We rarely ever grow or change if we remain within the circle of people who degrade us or hold us back in some way. Being more of a mind/body/spirit kind of gal, I have virtually no one in my life who I can fully relate to. This can be incredibly lonely which is why I have to touch base with a different circle on occasion, to get a dose of like minded people who'll support and inspire me on my path in life.
Finding and being our true self in this world can come with a lot of rejection. That friend who accused you of copying, why did she not inspire you to explore what felt natural to you? Did she want to be unique? Wash off the mud, try again and see how it leads you to feel, not her.