Struggling With My Anxiety...

[Caity0106]

Even though I'm not physically speaking, this is the first time I have ever really spoken about my anxiety..to anyone. At the moment, I feel like I'm at my peak. It's been a slow build up for years now, but I'm at the point of  it taking over. I've gotten so deep in this feeling that today was the first time I have left the house in two and a half weeks, and that was only just down the road and back.

For me personally, just the thought of going out into the open space and being surrounded by people makes my breath quicken. It's kind of like I've just power walked up a steep, rocky hill, but really I've just been in my bed, hiding under the covers from the outside world. My finger nails and the surrounding skin is a complete mess, because without thinking, I resort to picking and biting my nails in an attempt to find some relief.

I am currently unemployed and struggling with that, but I can't even think about being in a working environment let alone actually going out and doing it. This is has all come from bullying throughout my childhood and then through four years of high school. High school was the worst thing to happen to me. It's all been a build up from there and has progressively worsened from there.

I am now about to celebrate my 21st birthday in two months, and I wish I were able to be normal for just one night! Even when my mother suggested a family dinner with close relatives, I shrugged off the idea in front of her, then came to my bedroom and broke down on my bed, Out of fear, panic and sadness. They're my family...sitting at a dinner table with them for one night shouldn't even be an issue...but it is unfortunately. 

I hope very soon I can find the strength to begin to overcome this in some way. This may sound a tad dramatic, but I feel like I'm living in a nightmare...in my own body. My own mind. I don't know how much more I can take. At the very least, I just want to be able to go to the shop on my own and not sweat, get clammy hands and panic. Just, some sort of relief would be more than I could ask for right now...

[Neil_1]

Hi there Caity

Welcome to Beyond Blue and thank you for coming here and posting.  I hope that even by sharing this post, it may have helped you a little.

I’m hearing all the things that you’re struggling with and I’m just wondering if you’ve ever had any counselling with regard to the bullying that you received;  or whether there was ever anything done about it?

Likewise, I’m just wondering whether you may have been to a GP yet?   If not, this could be a very important step for you to take – as with a professional helping you out, they may be able to make appropriate suggestions, guidance for you and may even put you on some medication to help to ease your anxiety, which does sound quite severe.

I too don’t like a lot of people being around and also the possibility of a dinner with a number of people can sound daunting, but when you break it down, it’s (a) a very happy occasion, your birthday, (b) they generally don’t take too long and then they’re over and people go on about their own way again (c) and also with dinners, well, it’s pretty much a staid environment, in that, people are sitting down and so conversation usually pertains to those closest, so you’re not having to mingle and talk to everyone.  Twenty One is a special birthday – so I hope between now and then, you might feel a little more ok about it.

I would love to hear back from you.

Kind regards

Neil