struggling with change and self identity

spontaneous sunflower · ‎09-03-2021

At some point in everyone's life, you experience being lost and not knowing who you really are or are meant to be. Especially as a young adult where you are still growing and learning. But I am really frustrated with how little I seem to know myself these days. My life for years has changed over and over again. Bear with me for a minute while I give some backstory. Back in 2018, I moved schools. My great aunt whom I was close to and lived with us moved into a nursing home. Then start of 2020, I left school. A month or two later, not only did lockdown begin but 2 people (my brother's girlfriend and my other brother's 16yo friend who was running away from an abusive household) moved in with my family. In May 2020, my great aunt passed away which was heartbreaking because I hadn't seen her for months due to covid. Since 2018, it feels my life has changed a million little times. People have left, things have been lost, etc. In the past couple months alone, I've started tafe, I'm drifting from friends and our house is going through renovation. Change is good sometimes. Change is a necessary part of life. But it's easier to go through those changing seasons when you have something to hold onto. Anything. It could be your family, your friends, something comforting like a hobby or an activity. Usually, it is yourself that you can count on to stay strong during hard times. But my life has changed so many times, I don't think I know who I am anymore. I feel so at war with myself constantly. I feel like I've been through so much and it weighs 1000 pounds on my shoulders. I feel like I've sabotaged most of the friendships I've been in, because I become distant when I’m struggling. I don’t really know how to talk to people anymore, how to even talk to my friends and express to them how lost I feel and how sorry I am that I’m not there enough for them. It is so hard to be there for other people when I’m not even there for myself. I feel so out of place in where I live and the people surrounding me. I’m 18. Everyone’s clubbing, partying, and partaking in stuff I want no part of. Home is barely a comfortable place for me anymore, everything’s always changing, and I feel like every time something changes in my life, I lose another little piece of myself. I know there’s a way to stop it. I know there’s a way to find myself, a version of me who’s strong, happy, and really living her life, but I feel so stuck and trapped in the series of unfortunate events that is my life rn.

autumntree · ‎09-03-2021

Hi Spontaneous Sunflower,

I'm really sorry that life is so tough at the moment. I'm here to say that it sounds like you are having a normal reaction to a tough situation. Change is never ever easy especially when so much changes in such a short time as it has for you. Also, the COVID situation certainly does not may things any easier. It is important to try to give yourself the room and time to grieve the things that you have lost. Remember that grief is a really hard thing to go through and that it's okay to feel sad sometimes.

As for not knowing who you are. I resonant really strongly with that. I'm 22 and I have no idea who I am or what I want to be. We are constantly evolving and shifting. Try to be compassionate with yourself as it's normal and totally okay to not have a strong sense of self as that will come with time. Remember, you are stronger and more resilient than you think. You have gotten through a lot already and I have no doubt that you will make it through this. Don't put so much pressure on yourself, maybe at the moment it's best to just focus on surviving each minute and later when things are easier you will be able to do all the things that you hope to do.

Hope that this helps and wishing you all the best,

Autumn Tree

quirkywords · ‎09-03-2021

Spontaneous sunflower

Welcome to the forum and thanks for your honesty..

I am a lot older and have struggled with who I Am. I have thread Be yourself who am I where I have e plored issues yiu have written about.

I lost a lot in the fires and I found last year hard as I had defined myself by my shop but now

I don’t have a book shop now but I still like books but who am I.

I suppose we have different parts to our personality at different times.

What part of yourself do you like and what part remains. Instant.

I am kind and care for others even when sad and lost.

Take care.m

spontaneous sunflower · ‎09-03-2021

Hi Autumntree

Thank you for your kind reply.

You are right, we are constantly evolving and shifting. Things happen, we learn from it and grow into a new version of ourselves. I suppose having gone through all the stuff I've been through within a year, it's been hard to process all of it, gather what lessons I've learnt and turn over to a fresh page. Thinking back on past hardships, I don't think I've always given myself enough room and time to properly process what I've been through and heal from it. I've definitely been spending too much time lately being harsh on myself for not being what I want to be, but obviously being unkind to myself is not helping at all. So thank you, I shall try to be more compassionate with myself, however hard that may be at first!

spontaneous sunflower · ‎09-03-2021

Hi quirkywords,

Thank you for replying and I am so sorry to hear you lost lots in the fires last year.

Hmmm, what do I like about myself? That's a hard question to answer at the moment because really I could list heaps of things I don't like about myself. But I guess I like that I am thoughtful and a good listener.

I think it's really hard for me to be myself when I don't particularly like myself that much, which is sad. I've always thought self love is important but I have also always been the hardest on myself. No one puts more pressure on me than I do. Although who I am right now is not who I'd like to be, and I don't really feel much like myself (nor am I sure what being myself really looks like), I guess I shouldn't hate myself for it.

quirkywords · ‎01-04-2021

Spontaneous I was just wondering how you are going ?

I think accepting yourself and being kind will help and start taking pressure off your self.

spontaneous sunflower · ‎01-04-2021

Hey quirkywords,

Very kind of you to check in!

Honestly... I'm not doing much better. There was an argument in my family a couple weeks ago that led one of my brothers to move out and basically cut contact with all of us. That argument brought back a lot of unpleasant memories for me and the devastating realisation that things haven't changed and I can't make people change if they don't want to themselves. It's been a difficult two weeks for me, I was already struggling a bit and was trying to work my way to feeling better but this was a massive blow. It's just very hard to accept myself and be kind to myself when I live in such a messy, negative, toxic household.

Most days right now I'm just trying to do the bare minimum which is getting out of bed, drinking water, eating, etc. Because some days those things are hard!

I'm a bit frustrated at myself and my life recently. It just feels like no matter what I do, I always end up back here. Now I know no one's happy 24/7, but I wish I wasn't so depressed and anxious all the time.I feel like I miss out on so much, because instead of living, I'm just surviving.

I had a bit of a ramble about this in a new thread called "when will things change?" in 'young people' the other night, if you'd like a more thorough idea of what my thoughts are currently like! Kinda funny that I originally talked about struggling with change and now in a new post I want things to change! I suppose it is the good change I am after.