Soul loss

[Jhtvi]

Hey all, I'm new here & a first time poster. I don't really know how to start, so I'm just gunna write it down the best I can.

I'm a " normal " mid 20's bloke from Melbourne - born & bred here, I love beers, cars, tattoos, getting loose with my mates and just enjoying life... About 5 months ago now, I woke up one morning & felt like a completely different person ? I had totally lost my sense of humour, i became mono-toned, I didn't care about anything that i love - I'm just emotionless & empty. I've had times were stared at myself in the mirror and barely recognised the person staring back. I've become a complete stranger to myself. My reality's become warped & sometimes feels un-real. I start over thinking about every little situation, even hanging out with my mates has become stressful and awkward & day to day life just now become that much harder. I spend close to every second of my day being stuck in my head !! Worrying, overthinking & analysing every aspect of my life.. The thing is - I don't really have much to be stressing out over in the first place, I just can't help it now... It feels like now I'm living on a constant auto-pilot that I can't turn off.

I've had little problems with drugs over the last few years, mostly prescription & was an everyday weed smoker but I've been pretty much sober off drugs for about 6-7 months now & my head still hasn't gotten back to it's good Ol' self.

I've avoided reaching out for help for aslong as I possibly could but i realised now I need it more than ever.. I've brought it up here & there with family & mates but it's always hard to find common ground, everyone says they " understand " but it feels like they don't. I've done little bits of research about depression & depersonalization disorder and have had a read over various things on the internet.. I guess I'm just posting here as a call for help. I'm at the point now were I'm scared of getting further & further away from the happy person I used to be. If anybody's got any advice or stories or anything like that - I'd love to hear them & thanks in advance, the help goes a long way ! 

John. 

[BenD]

Hey John,

I've had something similar happen to me with drugs as well, I used to take prescription stuff quite a bit and combine it with alcohol (not the best idea in hindsight). It was all good for about 2 or 3 years but then one night I had a massive panic attack. I wrote it off as a one time thing, but it repeatedly occurred up to the point where I wasn't taking them for enjoyment. So I stopped.

Been mostly good for the past while, but you can feel like a different person at times, especially given that you make a lot of friends (not real friends necessarily) when you are high. When you sober up it feels like everyone expects you to be the person they knew when you were high. Its a strange and kinda scary feeling. That's what my experience was like anyway.

It takes a while to grow back a sense of identity after that kind of thing. What has helped me is a framework to keep everything balanced and in order. I eat reasonably well, exercise (not as much as I should ;), do mindfulness and CBT (cognitive behaviour therapy, google them both if you are interested) weekly, as well as visiting a counsellor every 3-6 months for a checkup, just like you would if you were going to a doctor or a dentist.

Good on you for making the effort to get better 🙂

Ben

[Jhtvi]

Hey Ben, thanks for the reply ! Yeah mate - prescription medication & alcohols always ended up being a bad combo for me ( end up having no idea what I've done & had bad memory loss for days ) happy to say those days are behind me !

Yeah I've been told routine ; eating well & exercise can have a good effect on road to getting well. I've never been to counselling or an therapy before, so I guess now is good time to start ! I'll look into the CBT stuff & talk to my GP about it and go from there. Thanks for the advice mate !! 

[PatT]

Hey mate. I can identify with what you're saying pretty strongly. When I was about 19-20 the world really started to lose its charm and stuff became a lot more monotoned. I called it 'disillusionment' and it was really when my depression started to take a turn for the worst. It also sounds like you're in the midst of some pretty heavy anxiety as well - rough days brother.

When I was 19 I started abusing painkillers on a daily basis in addition to a bunch of other drugs on weekends. I went into rehab last year, have been clean for around 9 months but my head still isn't screwed on properly. When we stop doing drugs, many people experience something called post-acute withdrawal syndrome, or PAWS.

PAWS can mess us up for a while and make us feel as shitty as we did when we first stopped drinking or doing drugs. We're pretty much dealing with the damage we did to our brain with drugs, but nonetheless, good job for managing to get off the stuff yourself. I know how bloody hard it is mate, but trust me that it does get better in time.

When we get stuck in our head we tend to isolate and internalise - spending time with friends seems more like a chore than something fun and we end up keeping things to ourselves. Staying away from friends is one of the worst things we can do. I know how tempting it is to keep to yourself but in my experience, the more I'm around people, the more I can get out of my own head. Explain to your friends that you're going through a bit of a rough time and if they're your mates I'm sure they'll understand.

I get that you aren't getting the feedback you want from friends and family as many of them don't understand. My best advice is to speak to your doctor about options. Be honest with them. I'm on a pretty low dose of antidepressants which help with my anxiety more than I could describe. If you don't want to go down the medication path then don't! But check out some options.

Finally, I'm sure you've heard it before but exercise! One of the best things in my toolkit for managing my anxiety and depression is exercise. I'm really into strength training/powerlifting. An hour of that a day, coupled with some jogging is brilliant when I feel out of it. One final recommendation - meditation. I never believed in that stuff but they really pushed it in rehab. Check out some guided meditation vids on youtube, close your eyes, sit somewhere comfy and just chill out.

All the best mate, Pat.