Paranoia over relationships.

[Enigma5555]

Hey guys,

I constantly feel like everyone despises me and that I'm a burden to society. People tend to dislike me without reason (especially girls - I'm a female myself), and I was bullied frequently throughout my schooling. Nowadays, I'm terrified that my friends only talk to me still because they feel sorry for me. However, this year I met and befriended a guy who I eventually developed a crush on and now, after months of friendship, we're in a relationship. I like him a lot - he's my first ever boyfriend (I'm 18) and we get along really well. But, I feel inadequate around him. I don't understand why he likes me and I've convinced myself that it's only a matter of time before he breaks up with me because I'm really not worth it. He's second guessing this relationship, even though he doesn't appear to be in person. I've essentially just conjured up this entire scenario in my head to make myself feel miserable...I hope. It's hard to separate feelings from fact.  And then the fact that I suffer from these episodes of deep depression and self-loathing make me feel obligated to break up with him, because I mean why should I burden him with my mental instability? I'm a mess! This is why I don't think I should ever be in a relationship. In fact, I had previously convinced myself that I would never get into a relationship for this sole reason. Normal people aren't as 'unstable' (at times) as myself.

I haven't ever been for a formal diagnosis, but I know that the constant feelings of unworthiness (which have lasted for years) and occasional suicidal thoughts are not healthy, nor are they normal.  

I just need help with getting over this relationship paranoia, especially around my boyfriend. I hate that when I'm not around him I just succumb to my insecurities. 

Any advice would be greatly appreciated! Thanks so much 🙂 

xx



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[Mr__Brightside]

Hey there. Welcome to the beyond blue forums. My name is Moriarty. Now the thoughts that you are describing are my own on a bad day. (I have around 4 to 5 a week) I'll start with the relationship with your boyfriend. You said "after months of friendship..." honestly, I think that if there wasn't anything he liked about you wouldn't have even been friends. I think that people enjoy others for a variety of reasons, some of them odd and unclear. I you say that he doesn't appear to be second guessing the relationship. Personally, I don't think he is. You also said that you think your friends pity you and that's why their friends with you. For the same reason as above I think that that's not the case. In regards to you feeling like a burden on society, I don't have much advice since I often feel like that. I will say this, perhaps you should talk to a psychologist or counsellor about these feelings. "We all have a purpose, therefore we are not useless." just something I like to think about on the bad days. Get back to me. I'm always happy to talk. ~M 

[Narniakid]

Hi Enigma5555!

Firstly, welcome to BB! You'll be relieved to know that I have actually just gone through almost the exact same situation - I am even the same age as you, and my boyfriend is my first relationship as well!

I have felt all these things that you describe, and let me tell you, your partner is not going to be attracted to your doubts, so try your best to brush them off. What I've done to retrain my brain is tell myself that I am my own individual self, a wonderful person, and this relationship is my reward - a common thing I see in relationships is one partner convincing themselves that they cannot function without this person's approval. Let me just remind you that you are so damn strong, and you will continue to be even stronger, even if this relationship doesn't work out in the long run. That scenario in your head? It's exactly that - in your head. Live in the moment, enjoy your time with him, learn what you can, feel the feelings he makes you feel. In every relationship, no matter what kind, there is always a risk that it's not going to work - he's taken that risk because he obviously sees something in you. Don't underestimate that. He may not be as open as you are, boys often aren't, but that doesn't mean the feelings aren't there. He thinks you are marvellous, so next time he compliments you, instead of arguing, say thank you. Give off that confidence, even if you don't feel it, because eventually, you will.

If you think he might not be handling your depression, sit him down and suggest he have a look at the resources here on BB for carers of depression and anxiety sufferers. I just recently did that with my partner, because we're pretty different, and I know he was struggling to understand what I'm going through, and I think it did actually help - both of us.

Believe in yourself and shake off that jacket of negative scenarios. Instead of saying 'what if?', look at what you have already, and what you've accomplished, and take every day as it comes.

I hope something I have said can be somewhat helpful to you. Stay strong and keep your chin up! 

Crystal

[SeanM92]

Hey there,

After reading your post, one thing that really drew my attention is where you said "I haven't ever been for a formal diagnosis, but I know that the constant feelings of unworthiness (which have lasted for years) and occasional suicidal thoughts are not healthy, nor are they normal."  I want you to know that even though it may feel your the only one and that no one else can understand you, there are others that suffer the same as you do and feel just as alone and isolated. Many people suffer varying degrees of Depression and anxiety, whether it be social anxiety or major depression, it is still completely normal and you are not alone. 

With saying that, i wonder what you feel makes you like your despised or not worth other peoples time. While some people just outright dont like other people, you do have people who care for you. You mentioned a young man who you started out as being friends with which then developed into a relationship (which is no small task i might add). By the looks of it he must find quite a few things about you that he likes aye :P. 

Bullying in school, especially at younger ages can do terrible things to someones self esteem and im concerned that this may be whats hurting you so much and causing you to feel the way you do, Its important to keep in mind that Yeah that happened in your past and things where said by bullies but you got past it, you met someone and turned it into your first ever relationship. that seems like a victory to me.

If your really concerned about it you could simply try sitting down with your partner and telling him whats going on or you could go an see a youth counselor, if only to just be able to speak your mind about it all.

All in all you had the courage to come and post here and from reading your post i think that you don't give yourself enough credit for how strong you are, i believe you will be okay. Just remember you are not alone and there is Always someone out there to hear you out an help, an there is always the lovely people here on the forums. I hope you feel better soon and best wishes.

[Tizlak]

Hi Enigma5555,
I just need to firstly state that YOU ARE WORTH IT! Don't ever believe that you are not, i feel like a hypocrite saying this because I have been in your position before. When I first started dating my girlfriend I was an unstable emotional mess and i always felt everyday i that she would leave me for someone else who was better, and after those thoughts i would get sad an emotional and even complain to her that all she wants to do was leave me for someone else, almost to the point of begging her to leave me even though i wanted nothing else but for her to stay, thinking that i was looking out for her but instead just making her feel as bad as me.

Every time she would just get sad that I felt that way but she would never leave she would always stay by my side, and one day i got so unstable i nearly tried to take my own life cause at the time i thought if i was gone she could finally be able to be happy without me. Looking back now all i can think is i am so glad i did not make that mistake!I know its hard to when you start to doubt yourself, believe me i've been there and its not fun but you gotta try to always always always look outside your self doubt and your mind and focus on the facts and look for the positivity.

When I read your post it seems like your boyfriend and you are good friends, and he knows about your instability and he still wants to be by your side, seems like he doesn't want to go anywhere but you think a break up will be the selfless thing to do to help him out?You say that seperating feelings from facts is hard, and i agree with you, when your in the middle facts and feelings all feel the same, so why not just accept the feelings you enjoy as facts and let someone else worry about the other 'facts'.

What i read is FACT: you enjoy his company, FACT: he enjoys yours, FACT: you are both worth it! My advice is too always remember that you are both friends, as simple as that, for me by doing that and putting a little less pressure on us thinking of each other as 'being in a relationship' made us generally happier and everything else just seemed to roll into place 🙂

I have a lot more advice I can give you if you find any of this useful so please don't hesitate to ask 🙂 Hope it all works out for you!
-Tizlak

[ashleighc]

Hey there Enigma5555,

First of all, well done for reaching out and asking for help, it’s not easy to do – so well done 🙂    

It sounds like you’re in a bit of a depression hole. My first part of advice is to go and see your GP (doctor) to get a mental health plan in the works, this will allow you to see a therapist. These feelings of insecurity and inadequacy stem from somewhere much deeper than you can see right now. I have been in a very similar situation myself. My second part of advice is to do things that make you feel good about yourself. We can’t expect other’s to see the best in us or to want to be with us, if we don’t even want that ourselves. Learning to love yourself is crucial to your happiness. Don’t be so hard on yourself. You are only human, we all make mistakes and aren’t always going to get along with everyone. But be secure enough in yourself that people will want to hang around you.  

It seems to me that the reasons you feel so insecure when you’re not around him, is because you let your mind wander into negative territory like – I don’t deserve him, I’m not good enough, etc. You need to believe in yourself. Believe you ARE good enough. You ARE enough. You are a beautiful and caring person.  

Some things you can do to help these thoughts…  

See your/a doctor – ask to be put on a mental health plan so you can see a therapist, perhaps also ask if they think it is a good idea to go on anti-depressants in the meantime.

See a therapist – talking these feelings over with someone with an objective opinion and who won’t judge you, is extremely beneficial.

Surround yourself with positive people – by surrounding yourself with positive and encouraging people, you will start thinking and feeling this way.

Exercise – go for a walk, this naturally increases your endorphins which make you happy. Get outside, get some fresh air, and clear your head of any negative thoughts.

Talk to friends/family – feeling like you can talk to your family or friends about how you’re feeling will help you lift the burden you may be putting on yourself.

Start a hobby – ever wanted to do singing lessons? Or enjoy creative writing or drawing? Any hobby you might enjoy, now is the time to start! Do something for you 🙂  

You are important – you need to believe that 🙂    

All the best,  

Ashleigh xx

[shad0wings]

Hey Enigma!

I'm glad you have come to the BeyondBlue forums with your story - and I am sorry you are going through this situation.

Enigma5555 said: "I haven't ever been for a formal diagnosis, but I know that the constant feelings of unworthiness (which have lasted for years) and occasional suicidal thoughts are not healthy, nor are they normal."

. 

First of all, a formal diagnosis is of no doubt one of the most important steps into feeling better. After being diagnosed with Chronic Depression about 2 years ago, I can truthfully say that hearing it was a genuine relief. You might not think so, but trust me, getting diagnosed confirmed to me that the way I am just isn't me at all - I am not acting sad or miserable on purpose and feeling constantly down wasn't my fault. It gave me newfound confidence in who I am; something that will definitely benefit you. Have you talked to close family/friends about what you're going through? Because carrying all of this weight yourself is far from healthy. My advice is to visit a psychologist/counsellor, even if it's just one session - it's amazing how much 1 hour of someone listening and asking the right questions can do for you! 🙂

By the way, you are anything but a burden to society and trust me, you do deserve your boyfriend and more. And about the bullying, unfortunately it is extremely common around females in their teenage years. Think of it like this - People who bully others, only do so because they are jealous of qualities you possess without even realising it - this itself is what makes you an incredible person. They are trying to bring you down so they themselves are brought up - they themselves are most likely dealing with issues of their own, so try not to look into it too much (i know that will be difficult).

I myself used to go through the same thing with my boyfriend. My thoughts were always jumbled to the extreme and I would constantly breakdown and scream at him - "WHY ARE YOU EVEN WITH ME?!" etc, etc. His answer hit me hard - it simply was "because I like you." ​Considering how much depressed people think and think to find answers, his answer was so simple, yet it answered everything I have ever doubted. We have now been together for over 3 years and he even goes to counselling sessions with me.

Sit down and talk to him about how your feeling - trust me he will accept you, because there was a reason you caught his eye in the first place without even trying.

~ Taylor

[romantic_thi3f]

Hi Enigma555!

Thanks for reaching out to us 🙂    

   I also have one thing to say:  YOU ARE ENOUGH.

This is by far the hardest thing for anyone (I think) to truly understand. 

That we are enough.  But it’s true.  There is absolutely no reason to think that you’re unloved, unworthy, unliked, inadequate – any of it.  You are enough.  You were born enough.  You were enough when you were 2 years old and you are enough now.  You were never not enough. You said in your post that you’re not worth it: why?

When I first met my boyfriend, I was convinced it wouldn’t work out- I was always told ever since I can remember that I was never “thin enough, pretty enough, rich enough, smart enough”. You name it I was told it, and for ages I carried that mindset of never being enough.  But the problem with that is it’s just not true.  There was no reason that I wasn’t pretty enough, no reason I was unlovable. I think this is the same with you.  There’s absolutely no reason that your boyfriend shouldn’t like you.

I honestly think that from my experience seeing a therapist helped; not just being able to talk about stuff but also working out what is fact vs. fiction.  Your boyfriend does like you because that’s why he’s with you.  Ask him – maybe it’s your killer smile or the way you laugh.  And figuring out what’s true (yes, he likes you – no, there’s no evidence to back up the fact that I’m “not worth it”) I think will help so much.  Of course, therapy can also help with suicidal thoughts. 

Even though it might be distressing at times, it’s important to stay strong and be patient with yourself. The fact that you’ve already posted on here as well as identifying that maybe this isn’t normal for you is already a huge first step so you should be super proud.

Good luck 🙂