My anxiety is pulling me down

[student_lyf]

Hi,

Since I was in high school I always had a dream to become a Dr but my grades left me at a disadvantage. After high school I left everything behind and moved away from friends and family to study an undergrad in science. During this time I worked extremely hard and managed to juggle full-time study, a part-time job, a girlfriend, sport, and extracurricular college commitments. Throughout my undergrad I slowly felt a wave of discomfort creeping over me that would leave me feeling physically ill at times. I came to a realization that I would only feel ill in certain situation so I begun to avoid these situations which only made things worse. Due to my poor grades in high school I set myself academic benchmarks which I  kept increasing to the stage where I performed extremely well academically (GPA > distinction average). Although I turned my grades around and worked really hard I never gave myself any credit and tended to focus only on the stresses and negatives that come with being a student. I stopped caring about my grades, for example. I would get 90% and instead of being happy I would berate myself and focus on how I could have done better. Anyways, My current situation is that I'am 22 yrs old  and I am a medical student, I have made it. I'am in my first year of medicine and instead of being extremely positive with what I have accomplished I am the complete opposite. My daily routine is such that I am filled with anxiety over medical school. I feel physically ill when I have to give presentations (no one knows this because I take Beta-blockers to calm my farm). Most of the time I avoid eating before class so that there is nothing to throw up if I feel sick, I avoid dinners (these make me anxious), and I get extremely anxious when interacting with patients. I have sought out help on numerous occasions. I joined Panic Away to control my panic attacks, I underwent counselling sessions, and I am currently working through a program called Thrive for my emetophobia (vomit associated fear). I am extremely determined and so I feel that this anxiety I have created for myself is the only thing in the way of me achieving my dream of becoming a Dr. Anyways I know I have gone on a bit but I just feel that I need to get the off my chest, Its getting to the stage where I don't know how much longer I can hold on. If anyone has any words of wisdom for me and how I can challenge my anxiety it would be greatly appreciated.

🙂

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[Jacko777]

Hi student lyf,

Welcome to the Beyond blue forums. You are welcome to 'go on a bit' here anytime, we are all ears!

You have great persistence and determination, you are doing the things that will bring you closer to peace and happiness, just keep going, keep your eyes on your dream. As you know, mental health can sometimes feel like 3 steps forwards and 2 steps back. That's still 1 step forward. It helps me to remind myself that, yes today was not great, that was the 2 steps back, but overall I AM moving forward.

Your dream is so strong, I think you can hold on for as long as it takes and more to the point I don't think you will rest until you feel better. Have you tried meditation? It helps me a lot to train my brain to focus on the positive and off the negative. Talk any time.

Jack

[BenD]

Hey student lyf,

Being a student is tough at the best of times, let alone when you move away from all your structures and challenge yourself with a hard degree. It's enough to do anyone in. It sounds like you are really motivated to get this course done (which is great) but at the moment its coming at a large cost to your personal well-being (not so great).

I don't know if you are able to take a year off during med, but I found that when finishing my chem/physics degrees, that I didn't know how much I needed it till I was away. It also gives you some perspective about whats important and what is not as important. Perhaps even rewarding yourself more often with a bit more free time, socialising or holidaying could help? It sounds like you are very hard on yourself.

To give context to my advice, I work in the theatre department of a hospital and I see how taxed some doctors are. You can tell who is well-balanced in their lifestyle and who is not. I guess by looking after yourself you are also looking after your patients and your fellow staff members.

If you feel like getting in touch with a counsellor it's could be worth your time, but if not then no problem either, awareness of how you feel is a good starting point as it is so well done 🙂

Here if you need me,

Ben

[PatT]

Hey mate,

first off good work on taking some steps to address the issue. Too many people just try to evade the issue and/or accept it. It sounds like your uni life is taking a serious toll on your mental health. I can appreciate that - I'm about to start my masters in public health and I've certainly sacrificed a lot of my social life to get to this point. One valuable thing I've learned is that I need a balance or I go nuts. I find it hard to do anything recreational because I'm so persistently concerned that if I'm not studying then I'm just wasting precious time that could be spent improving my grades.

But the reality of it is that when I do take time for myself then my academic life is much easier. You sound like you've worked bloody hard to get to this point but we aren't built to thrive solely on our grades. Do you have any hobbies? What are your interests? You need to find something that can take you out of your own head. For me, I like lifting weights (I compete in powerlifting competitions), I go for runs, I do creative writing and I'm a bit of a film aficionado. And I always make sure to see my friends. Social interaction is a must and one of the best anxiety reducers I know.

I understand eating is difficult for you at the moment but if our diet is poor then we lack the essential micronutrients for proper cognitive function (as a med student I assume you'd know). I used to be grossly overweight but eating properly is one of the best long-term remedies for anxiety that I know of. 

And try to remember that whatever you're experiencing will pass. My anxiety comes in waves that can feel like they last a lifetime but they're almost always associated with whatever I'm experiencing at the time. I just finished my final exams and the breath of relief I've felt since finishing could not have come sooner. Speak to a counsellor or a psych, and try to strategise. Take some time out for yourself, find something cathartic and take some comfort in the knowledge that it will probably help you with your studies and with your social life.

All the best, Pat.