I just want to talk to someone

[JoC18]

hi all

Hope everyone is doing well....

I have a lot of negative feeling recently. I just would like to talk about it and throw everything out when no one judges me.... So let me start

I am upset about what I did in the past. I am a perfectionist. Now I am thinking if I did this and that, or not to do this and that in the past, then I might be a better person now. I might be more attractive, I might have more friends. I might be more successful. There might be less people who dislike me....etc

Secondly, I am a weird person. For example, I am only interested in thing/person I cannot get, and please. When a person tells me he/she dislike me, I will be very careful and try to please them. I will be upset and hopefully they can like me eventually. I understand that I should not waste time on those people but I should spend more time and effort in maintaining a health relationship with close friends , I cannot as I am not interested in the relationship once the relationship is well established. To me, I feel like it is a challenge to get everyone likes me. When they like me, I think mission is completed and let me move on.

Thirdly, I like to compare with others. I wonder why others have what I do not have. They are prettier, they are more attractive, they have more friends. They have a wealth family. Their grade is better. They have a better job. etc.... It upsets me when I start comparing but I cannot stop!

well... I hate myself being a person like this. Thank you everyone for listening to me. I do not have big issue. But it is really much appreciated to talk about all of these horrible thinking without being judged by anyone.

Regards

J

[jess334]

Hi JoC18,

Welcome to the BeyondBlue forums.

This is definitely a place you can come and not worry about being judged. Your issue may not be 'big' compared to other people, but if it's upsetting you then it is important.

I hope you keep posting, Jess

[Emmen]

Hello J,

You sound like someone who analyses every aspect of your life thoroughly so that you can strive for perfection. You sound goal-oriented and driven. You are ambitious. I don't see anything about you that you should hate.

Keep sharing and talking these things through. You will not be judged here 🙂

Warm wishes,
Emmen

[JoC18]

Hi Emmen,

You are right. I like to analyses every aspect and make sure I wont make mistake in the future. I have a lot of "what if", "what about" and "if it happens"..... Therefore, I am always worried and unhappy. It affects me and my relationship with family. How can I change

[Emmen]

I have these thoughts as well. There's always a voice asking me "what if" for pretty much everything I do. Like you, I also used to be a perfectionist. I wanted to be "the best".

One lesson I've learnt over the years is that no one can be perfect. We all are unique in our own way, and what's important is for us to be comfortable in our own skins. I began to realise that the more authentic I was as a person, the freer I was with just owning who I was (flaws and all), the need to be better than others became less.

As for the voice that asks you "what if", you can't stop your thoughts. But it's in your power to ensure you react to it in a way that reduces your anxiety. In my case, I usually ask myself "so what?", in the sense that "so what if something else happens?" I'd tell myself that I've gotten through life so far, that whenever I thought things were bad, I've always managed to get through somehow. And then I'd tell myself to have faith that things will work out somehow now too. It's also good to distract yourself from your worries by doing something that calms you. Doing art for instance, or jogging.

It won't be an instant change, J, but chip away at it slowly and you will get there. Don't lose hope.

[zguenzl]

I really like this advice.

Another method that has worked for me that maybe you could try is writing a list of negative thoughts you have and combating them with positive thoughts e e.g. that person is prettier than me vs. I have these positive qualities that my family/friends/partner/pet love me for.

I hope this helps a bit.

All the best,

Zoe

[JoC18]

Thank you for the advice. Really appreciated.

Sometimes I am extreme to the point that I would like family members in my family to be perfect too. And I also feel negative about how my friends have a better life because they are luckier and make me envy. I know it is a horrible feeling and I should not see it this way. But I cannot control. I want to be better than others.

[JoC18]

Thank you 🙂 really appreciated that. others only told me I should not overthinking. therefore, I stop talking to others in real life as everyone surround me is judging me. I, of course, know there is not right, this is harmful. But I do not know how to stop I do not know how to deal with it. Sometimes, I just want to talk, to tell them how I feel to relieve the stress and all the negativity. But everyone just told me I am wrong, I should not think in this way and that way..... it makes feel worse. I always hope I can have someone to talk to without judgement. It is the best way to relief stress and negativity. But no one around me understand. They only told me, right, J, you cannot say that..... it makes me so upset.

[Emmen]

This forum is for you to talk without judgement 🙂 If you ever feel that no one understands, why not put your thoughts out here?

[Jesicca]

Hi JoC18,

I hope you have taken some of this advice on board but if you feel like you are still struggling I thought I would mention some things that help me when I am feeling the way you have mentioned.

When you mentioned that sometimes to you just want to talk to relieve the negativity but you are just told that you are wrong, I wonder if the people you are talking to are trying to let you know that they feel differently about what you are saying and that they appreciate you for all that you are. I understand it would be frustrating to hear that your thoughts are wrong as it can make you feel like your feelings are invalid. It might benefit you to tell them that when they say that to you, you feel even more upset. And from there you can try to have an open conversation about what they actually mean when they say this to you.

A little tip that might help give you confidence to be more open is to ask yourself these questions when you notice yourself talking negatively. Something I find helps me is reframing negative things I say to myself. So for example when I catch myself thinking "I'm so dumb I got such a bad grade", I will stop and pause and think "I wish I did better on that assignment, but I did my best". Or I will challenge this original thought and say "What would I say to a friend in this situation" and then I will say that to myself. I might even talk to a trusted friend and tell them that I'm feeling really down about the situation. They will then often remind me that there are different factors to consider in the situation. So say I didn't spend as long as I could have on the assignment and trick myself into thinking 'well I didn't actually try my best', I might need to consider what else was going on in my life at the time and remember that I did my best with what resources were available to me at the time, for example only leaving myself 1 or 2 hours to finish it because I felt too exhausted leading up to it to start sooner.

When it comes to comparing yourself to others, something that I do when I find myself doing this is to list 5 things that I am and I try to make it about my personality, for example resilient or thoughtful. There are so many good things about each individual person including you and just like you see the positives in others you will benefit from pointing out the good things in yourself, to yourself.