I have reached rock bottom

[Ry95]

Im a 24 year old male and since approximately 6 years my mental health has progressively been declining to the point where I have been suffering serious depression which of late has really taken control of my body.

To provide a little context, my childhood was okay but not great. My parents were together until I was 18 but they should have divorced a long time before... they resented each other and constantly fought, and my father was never much of a father figure at all. They finally divorced not long after I finished high school, which was hardly a shock for me. But I think the whole ordeal and childhood has affected me quite a lot and given me quite bad abandonment and commitment issues as well as a lot of built up anger.

Separately, I had always dreamed of becoming a pilot for my career. This is all I wanted to do since I was a child. I went to do my aviation medical with my dad at the end of year 12 but I failed over the most insignificant thing which was blown completely out of proportion by my father. I was stressed from that point as I had to very quickly (in the space of a few days) pick something else to study, but I didn't really have any proper backups as Aviation was all I wanted to do. I picked Geology, and completed the degree but absolutely hated it. I have been working in the industry for 3 years now and absolutely hate it. All I can think about is Aviation, and it just feels like i'm in this job because I was forced to.

Thirdly, I am a bisexual guy going through quite a bad identity crisis. I thought I was comfortable in my own skin but i'm really questioning that now. It is really causing me quite serious anxiety. I have been in multiple short relationships which never seem to progress to anything serious because I can never fully open up and commit (a protection mechanism??), but I seriously cannot handle any more rejection. I was recently dumped for my poor communication skills, and I have so much regret. I know I should have opened up more.

I really don't know what to do any more. I have reached rock bottom, and i'm only 24. I feel completely lost. If one thing in my life was going right, maybe my depression wouldn't be so bad but the fact is, I hate my job and have no idea what career to do and I ruin every relationship. I just feel like a complete failure of a person with no purpose and no positive prospects for the future.

Have thought about quitting my job but I just don't know what I would do. Any advice is welcome. Cheers

[Birdy77]

Hello Ry95,

I'm glad you've come here for some support and understanding at this time when you feel so very low.

I was wondering is it possible for you to resit the medical and try again to get into Aviation?

It sounds like that's really where your passion lies, maybe you could give it a go?

It must feel really disheartening working at a job that you dislike so much.

I'm sorry to hear about your recent relationship falling apart. It sounds like you have some ideas about where it went wrong. Try not despair and say you "always" fail at relationships - i think sometimes we go through relationships to learn the lessons we need to learn, so we're ready for the person we're meant to be with. You have plenty of time, i didn't find my person until i was 34, and made lots of mistakes (read: "learned lots of lessons") in the lead up to meeting her.

Sorry to hear you're currently having some issues around your identity and sexuality. I wonder have you heard of QLife (qlife.org.au), they have lots of resources that you might find really helpful, and professional counsellors who are trained specifically in this area. Will you check it out?

You know what Ry95? They say that rock bottom is a really solid foundation for rebuilding your life.

Sending you positive vibes.

🌻birdy

[Ry95]

Hi Birdy77, thanks for your reply.

Short answer is no I can't really. Straight after I finished my Geology degree I did further specialist testing and all specialists confirmed nothing was wrong. For whatever reason though the government rejected me. So its been pretty difficult trying to move on from this when I was unfairly rejected.

I currently live in Brisbane and it just feels like my life has stagnated, there is nothing motivating me anymore. I need something that makes me want to wake up in the morning and enjoy life, but right now I have nothing.

I had something good with my ex, but my commitment issues caused that to fall apart. I absolutely wanted to give 100% of myself to that, but something was just holding me back. And i'm not sure if that was just because other areas of my life weren't working out.

As cliched as it sounds, I feel like I need to go out and 'find myself'. Living in Brisbane is claustraphobic for me right now. I know I can't blame the place, but it just feels like i've had so much go wrong here that I really just don't have a positive outlook on the place. I recently started on antidepressants (after much hesitation), and i'm hoping these will help stabilise me a little. But I know these alone won't be enough. I need to make some major life changes, but I just don't feel like I have the motivation to go and do this. I have thought maybe going overseas for a couple of years and trying something completely different may be great for me, but I just don't know.

[Birdy77]

Hi again Ry,

I can understand that feeling if stagnation and claustrophobia, and maybe a change of scenery could be really helpful.

On the other hand, wherever we go, there we are. So some other changes within your life sounds like a good plan.

See how the anti depressants kick in - do you have some talking therapy/support as well?

That is disappointing about the closed-door with the aviation. I guess you've tried all other avenues? (I'm unfamiliar with the industry, do you have to be govt approved or is there a commercial/private route?).

It's a pity you kist a good thing with your ex - is there any chance this could be rectified with them, or is it totally over?

I'm going to remind you about QLife again, just in case you want to check it out.

I hope talking here will help you sort through some feelings and know that you're never alone.

🌻birdy

[Ry95]

I just don't know what to do anymore. I really feel like a failure.

Particularly with this last relationship, my anxiety, committment issues and abandonment issues really just took hold and ruined something amazing. I'm not sure what happened, my mind just froze and I as much as I really wanted to communicate everything on my mind, I just couldn't. I think i've just been burned so many times in the past, whether it be witnessing my parents marriage or experiencing breakups myself, my mind just trained itself to expect the worst.

I absolutely hate myself now, because I have come to this massive realisation that it was all my fault. I was dumped over instagram whilst on holidays in Europe, which really hurt. I was angry and blamed him when in reality, it was me who caused it.

Even though im only 24, its come to a point where I just can't seem to be able to hold a relationship for more than a few months. It's making me extremely anxious for the future and makes me feel like I really just don't deserve to be in a relationship.

I caught up with my ex for the first time in two months on saturday for a coffee and the words I wanted to say just didn't come out. I ended up sending him a long message explaining how I feel and asking if he would give me another chance but I think its too late.

[smallwolf]

Hi Ry95,

I have read your story and...

Do you think that what happened between your parents has had an effect on your relationships?

You also mentioned that you have problems (?) opening up in one of your posts. I am also unsure the context in which you say this so I will just relate my experience - I have this issue to some degree with my wife still. At the same time I can say things to my psychologist or psychiatrist quite easily and there are some things I can tell my mother but no my father or wife. One way I found of overcoming this with my wife was to write it down on paper, or send a message saying we needed to have a chat. Even today, I some have difficulties of initiating these conversations at home. Once started it begins to get a little easier. Practice, practice, practice. (For me, this started with my psychologist giving me challenges ...)

Your mind trains you to expect the worst, and you said it was all your fault the relationship ended. How was it your fault as you put it? If the relationship did not end, there would be nothing (?) to write/think about. So when it ends, you could either blame them or yourself or nobody. However, for depression we tend to blame ourselves.

One positive in your post is that while you had not been able to tell him what you were feeling, you were able to put it in a message. That in itself is a big step.

Tim

opening up

[Birdy77]

Hello again Ry,

To be dumped via instagram is just awful. You were justifiably angry. I think that is a really hurtful, mean and immature thing for him to have done.

I am not surprised you clammed up when you had coffee with him. You have probably a billion different emotions and thoughts racing through your heart and mind, and he hurt you and humiliated you. But you still want to be with him, so that creates for a lot of complex feelings and who wouldn't clam up?! I know i would.

All that aside, i agree with Tim that you did really well writing that long message and trying to explain a few things. That's a really great first step. Have you heard back yet?

Communication can be really hard, and when we haven't learned helpful ways of communicating during our childhood and upbringing, we have to learn from scratch for ourselves, and that learning involves making mistakes, recognising where we wrong, and improving on that. That is what you're doing right now, so don't be so hard on yourself.

🌻birdy

[Ry95]

Thanks for your reply. I think it subconsciously has yes. This seems to happen every time I try to date someone. They'll show affection and commitment to me and I just struggle. My parents were always secretive and unaffectionate and just generally closed off to each other, and I think that has rubbed off on me.

I don't know what happened. I really really liked him, and the several months we had together seemed great. But whenever he asked me to talk about my past relationships or anything deeply personal, I froze up and didn't want to talk about it. Because my past experiences embarrass me and make me feel like a failure of a person.

He also became good friends with his ex of three years, which is fine, but he talked about her all the time. So I always had a feeling he wasn't completely over her.

I guess I say it was my fault, because I had an amazing thing presented to me, and someone who genuinely really cared for me and I blew it. My emotions froze up and commitment issues took over and I ruined something. Maybe it wouldn't have worked out long term anyway if he really wasn't over his ex, but maybe if I provided more then he would have gotten over her and made a future with me.

I just don't know what to do now. I ruin every relationship after only a few months and I just don't want to invest in anyone anymore. The amount of rejection I have experienced in my life is too much. Not just with relationships but with other things too.

[smallwolf]

Its odd how sometimes we cannot talk to the one we love the most but are able to talk to a stranger about similar things. You said that you clam up when with him, and at the same time you can say that you are embarrassed about past relationships, and seeing them as failures. And with the way your parents acted around you, some of their traits may have rubbed odd onto you?

I would think of myself as a failure in many things. Still do. At the same time I read things on "learning from failure" (google it) to remind my self that and one way of view it is "first attempt in learning". My psych would challenge me each time I saw her. One time I would have to rock the boat with other people and tell what I thought. Or setting boundaries at work. Practicing these things for myself make other things easier. I guess my question to you is...

Is there someone in your circle of friends that you could talk to about personal stuff?

It will feel odd the first times, but I have also been told that being vulnerable is also a sign of courage.

Do you want to tell me a little more about "The amount of rejection I have experienced in my life is too much. Not just with relationships but with other things too."

I am listening.

Tim

[Ry95]

I think they most definitely rubbed off one me, as much as I wish they didn't. My parents marriage was loveless, they were together just because they were. They didn't communicate, everyone in the house was secretive and private and it seems to have influenced me a lot.

I have a lot of difficulty opening up to people and trusting them, just a result of things i've experienced in my life. I'm just really struggling with this breakup as I knew I should have communicated my feelings better... though maybe i'm being too hard on myself. My ex partner was great at communication and was extremely open, which is great, but not everyone is like that. I told him about the anxiety issues I have and he seemed fine. But realistically I don't think it was fine.

Subconsciously he was comparing everything I did to his relationship with his ex, so I think it was inevitable that it would end.

I definitely do talk to my close friends about this, I don't have any issues with that. I don't know why I struggled so much with my ex... I think maybe its because the feeling that things were getting serious just freaked me out. I hadn't really been in that position before.

Re the other rejection, I was rejected from pursuing my dream career for a non-issue, something that was blown completely out of proportion. Its a long story. But basically it feels like nothing has gone right in my life for the last six years. I'm working a career I hate, relationships keeping failing. I just don't know what to do anymore. I feel like a failure of a person.