i hate myself

[justarando]

i genuinely hate myself. there is not one thing i like about the way i look, what i can do or my personality. i do musical theatre, which a few years ago was something i thought would be great for confidence and since i loved singing, but it made me realise how bad i am. i cant stop comparing myself to my friends and just constantly feel worthless. when the topic of self love starts up i just want to cry because ive tried so hard to change but i cant love myself for who i am. musical theatre and singing was something i was once interested in but now hate doing but i cant quit because without it ill have no friends. plus, ive always had a difficult time making friends so ive already gone to a psychologist about it and moved schools within the past few months. i just dont know what to do but if i show any sign of doubting myself, people think im attention seeking when i cant help it. i practically now use it as sarcastic humour to hide my true feelings and how i just want to breakdown. why am i not good enough? why couldnt i have been anyone else? i just constantly feel useless, irrelevant and ugly

[Aaronsis]

Hey justarando

I am so pleased you have come to reach out and to have a chat and to let some of the steam off. We are here for you to support you and hopefully give you some comfort at this time when you sound like you are really struggling and feeling worthless. I am so very sorry you are feeling this way and we are here to chat.

Musical theatre sounds like a lot of fun, however if it is not fun anymore is there something else that perhaps you would think about trying instead. I hear you used to really enjoy music and singing but not so much anymore as you are comparing yourself to your peers and feeling worthless. Can I just ask if it is in fact the music and singing that you no longer enjoy or the place and people where the music and singing happens that you no longer enjoy?

It is so very "normal" to compare yourself to others, it is human nature, it can be how we gauge unfortunately how pretty we are, how successful we are and how funny we are.....but this is not a true indication of who we really are and can leave us feeling ugly, worthless and with no self love, which is what I am hearing you say.

You struggle to make new friends and that you have just recently moved schools too, you sure do have a lot to manage at the moment. Making friends is very difficult and especially when you have these feelings about yourself that you are not good enough, I hear what you are saying in that "why would anyone like me when I don't even like me". I hear that you feel useless, irrelevant and ugly and that is so very much to carry around all day.

Can I tell you you are good enough? Would you even believe me? Can I suggest when you say "why couldn't I be anyone else?...that there are soo many young people today feeling the very same way you are also. You are not alone in these feelings and I am so pleased you are talking about it. Is there an activity or hobbie that makes you feel good, that puts a smile on your face? Do you have a pet that you can pat or walk that brings you joy?

I would like to continue to chat to you and help you to find ways to see your worth and that you are very relevant and very useful.

Big hugs to you justrando (and you are not random at all!)

AS

[justarando]

thanks for replying. i dont enjoy singing because i dont think i do it well enough so everytime i actually try i just start crying. the company that i am in has the nicest people ever and its the only reason im still there because otherwise ill never see them again and without them i wouldnt have any friends, however i constantly feel like im not good enough for them. they are these beautiful, smart people that are some of the best singers i know and are awesome dancers and they get some of the best roles. i just dont understand how people can be so perfect its just unfair. i dont have any hobbies and nothing really brings me joy. im practically insecure about everything i do and every decision i make, making me have non interest in anything. not only am i afraid of others judging me, but of judging myself, whether it be what i eat or wear or songs i listen to. i dont know, it’s probably just stupid though. i just want to be happy with myself but cant.

[Aaronsis]

Hey J ( I dont want to write rando if that is ok)

I had this idea and I am not sure what you think about it, but I hear that you really love the people and that they inspire you and their talent is awesome, but when you sing it makes you sad and you start comparing yourself to them which lead to you feeling bad about yourself. Musical Theatre has so many aspects, is there something else that you could do there, like props or lighting, that would take you out of the space that is making you feel bad and yet still incorporates the people you love?

I wanted to ask you a question and please don't feel like you have to answer, but what are these people actually doing or saying to you that make you feel like you are not good enough? What are these people doing that make them "perfect", I am sure that if we took maybe just three of them aside and asked them "how are you really" they might have some very interesting stories to tell, and that they too feel less than perfect. I know it is so very hard not to compare but there are some things about you that people wish that they had. There is this saying "we always want what we haven't got"...like people with curly hair want straight hair....people who have light skin wish they could tan....comparing just leads to us feeling bad about ourselves and that is really not helpful.

I hear so very loud that you are afraid of judgment, can I ask you "what is going to happen if someone doesn't like you?'....there are so many people in this world and we don't get along with everyone and not everyone likes us, and that is totally fine, if we were all perfect and the same life would be pretty boring right. People will love you for you , if you let them, and those that don't will go on to find their people to love....

Today do you think you could try to do just one thing that YOU truly want to do, like put that song on or say hi to that person, I know it will be hard and terrifying but I think you will surprise yourself.

I would love to know what you think of my suggestions, and they are just that..no pressure.

Chat soon

AS

[justarando]

hi AS,

i actually did a school subject based on backstage earlier this year and just hated it as i am just not really techy and it just overall didnt interest me. just like everything makes my friends better than me-they always get better parts than me, they are prettier than me (and like thats not even me being self depricating, people tell them they are gorgeous all the time and they have heaps of people that like them.) things that i already knew how to do they try and they are automatically better than me. they can dance and get better grades and everytime they complain about something its always something i wish would happen to me. for example they complain about an awesome grade or a great role they receive a callback or just how something isnt good enough for them, when to me itd make me so happy. idk i cant really explain it but i can just get overwhelmed. as for caring about what people think about you, its just human nature i guess, but its also what made me move schools in the first place. i had people talk crap about me and call me weird and occasionally torment me and i was left friendless.

thanks for your help though i really appreciate your advice and my responses are probably really annoying so i apologise but its just how i feel.

[Aaronsis]

Hi J

Please do not apologise for anything and you are most certainly not annoying me with your responses. I am just making some suggestions as I get to know you and I understand that not everything is going to suit and that is fine too. I am just so glad you are chatting about how you feel and that you are brave enough to talk about it.

You are right in that it is human nature to care what people think, and to a certain degree that is fine, it is what makes us get out of our pjamas in the morning and take a shower ....we would not want to be seen out in public like that...however I can hear how it is consuming you and I am so sorry this is happening to you. You have had a really bad experience in the past with people talking crap about you and this does effect our self esteem and also our view on ourselves, which I feel like is where you are now.

I would just like to say one thing about "weird" ...weird is kind of wonderful...I know you are not going to believe me but maybe not today and perhaps not tomorrow you will love being "weird" ....weird is interesting and weird is personality and weird is you..no one is like you and that is awesome!

Can I put something to you, you mentioned people say to others how gorgeous they are, do they ever say how kind they are..or how genuine they are..or how warm and caring they are...as these are far more gorgeous qualities to have if you ask me.

I can hear how overwhelmed you are and I just wish I could wave a magic wand so you could see how good you are.

Please keep chatting.

AS

[justarando]

hi AS,

infact, people do compliment on their personality all the time, hence the reason they have so many friends and have practically everyone loving them so much.

thanks for your reply

j

[Aaronsis]

Hey J

Well I am so very happy to hear that...I am glad that they are noticing what is inside too.

If you could hear three things from people what would you want them to say to you? Would you then believe them if they said to you that you were pretty and that you were warm and caring and that you could sing like a bird too?

Do you have any plans for the weekend?

AS

[blondguy]

Hi justarando

Besides echoing Aaronis's helpful posts I think you are a lot stronger than you know

It took me 3 months to get the courage to create my own thread topic....I just didnt have the self confidence you possess at the time back in 2016

Please dont hate yourself.....I think you are an amazing person

The forums are a safe and non judgemental place for us justarando....I really hope you can stick around! Its great to have you as part of the Beyond Blue forum family...Thankyou for posting with us 🙂

my kind thoughts

Paul

[justarando]

thanks guys. i dont know because sometimes i just feel as if they say thing because id want them to say it. how am i supposed to tell they genuinely mean it. -and paul its great that you were able to develop and become confident enough to post. i just felt like i needed to let things out but not to people i knew so. and as for this weekend, surprise surprise i have 12 hours of rehearsal for my current show