I don’t feel like myself at all
So around a year ago I begun hanging out with the ‘stoner’ crowd I suppose and started to smoke myself. The first couple of times were odd for me, I felt very animated, like everything I was saying was dumb, like everything was more so like a dream and I just felt drained and anxious. Most people would stop there if they were feeling that way but I continued to smoke everyday for around 8 months mainly by myself at home even though it made me feel horrible and I knew that deep down. It was more so I liked the act of smoking a cone than the high. Every time I am high I start thinking about all dumb things I have done in my life or during the day and actually have to psychically talk to myself and tell myself to stop thinking about it or I will bury my face in my hands and tell myself I’m stupid, dumb etc. I would cry often and instead of walking fast of my bus, keen to get to school and see people as I always did, I begun to feel anxious about it, which was something I’d never really experienced before. I went from being loud and happy to almost completely quiet and always down. Even my best friend became very foreign to me, I remember specific times he would try to joke with me like we always did but I would always ruin the mood by saying something boring or dumb. Eventually we drifted and nothing is the same between us to this day. I didn’t know what was happening to me, it’s like my mind was completely blank and I never had anything to contribute to a conversation. Fast forward to a year from now, I don’t have a single friend that I used to, in fact I have no friends. I now dread school and when I do go the day drags by, I am lucky if I have two brief conversations with somebody and I spend my spare time in the library just waiting to go home and jump into bed. I stopped smoking about 2 months ago after deciding I can’t continue to live like this. I’m not the same as I used to be, I can’t even comprehend the old me, it just doesn’t make sense to me as to how I used to be able to live in the moment and enjoy social interactions, etc. I just want to feel like me again and know why this all happened.
Hi Emma, welcome, I'm glad you posted.
Your experience reminded me of my days in the Air Force. I joined at 17yo and as I didn't drink alcohol, I was alienated a lot so I was left alone and was treated as "odd". So eventually I broke and started drinking. The effect of that was that when drunk I was the village clown, everyone laughed at what I said or did and the more I laughed the more often I drank even though I didn't like alcohol. This went on for 2 years then suddenly I disliked vomiting and being chastised by my bosses. I had to change.
However, all my friends were stuck in the past. They wanted the clown to keep going. But I'd changed. I matured and realized if I continued to go on that journey I'd get into strife and would they be there then to help me?- a big NO!
The big wake up call came when I was caught drink driving and lost my license. It was the best rigger I could imagine. So I started rebuilding my life with positive things. Remember, you only need one good solid friend, two are even better, but a group is not a bunch of close friends. Think about joining light sports like badminton, table tennis or volleyball, netball. Don't worry if you aren't good at it, that isn't the reason you join.
We cant diagnose here as we aren't professional medical people but if you have the opportunity to visit your GP that would be a good start if there is any trace of abnormal levels of anxiety.
I', glad you are so honest about everything as this place is anonymous. I don't know much about the effects of smoking/consuming drugs but its a no brainer really that it doesn't do any good. The "new Emma" can do without that. An old man I visited once said, as I walked outside to have a cig "you don't need that" and it was the last cigarette I ever smoked after 15 years. I hope you listen the same to this old man lol.
I think you are on the right track. It's incredible how you have thrown aside your past and asked questions about how to move forward. To reinvent yourself is the greatest thing you will ever do.
The "new Emma" has a ring to it don't you think?
I feel exactly the same way. My best friend and I had a major fight last year, and my other friends were pressuring me to get over it and continue life without him. I sort of became a 'new me'. The 'new Chloe' wasn't very nice. My friends liked her because she acted like she didn't care about losing her best friend- let's call him 'Bob' for confidentiality purposes. In reality, I still cared immensely for Bob. He was the person I could talk to without getting interrupted or judged or laughed at or being told I was wrong. All of a sudden, that was just gone.
Now, I am trying to make myself a better person, trying to become myself again. I found that the best version of me is the real me. Just be yourself, and be honest, and I feel like that is the key to finding love, gaining trust, and most importantly, feeling happy and confident in who you are. I know it might be hard, but it gets easier.
At the moment, I am struggling with anxiety and what I feel like may be depression. I do not have a diagnosis, but I am going to a GP soon to get a referral to see a psychologist. This anxiety causes me to have panic attacks, to dread everything and hallucinate. I think I'm also turning into a germaphobe. After suffering like this for a few months, I reached out to my friends, including Bob. I now have a lot of support, in the limited but valuable way that only friends can give. I gained their love and support through being myself again.
It may take a while but trust me, its worth it. Best of luck to you Emma!