I am sick and tired.
Thank you to anyone who tries to answer my question. I will most probhably sound like a child, my problems arent even as serious.
So my issues go waaay back into high school, but i would predominantly like to talk about whats happening now.
I really hate myself.
And i hate the fact that i hate myself.
I am self aware. I know that its unhealthy to hate yourself and have no self esteem. Its probhably the reason why i am always alone and secluded - maybe people can see that i am not confident and am just trying to be fake.
Most people say "love yourself". Books say "have a positive mindset and you'll always find something good". BUT THAT DOESNT MAKE SENSE WHEN YOU HATE EVERY SINGLE THING ABOUT YOURSELF!!!!
I look disgusting. I am overweight. I am not the high acheiver i used to be. I dont feel intelligent anymore. I am weird. I am not that nerdy that i would sit all day studying but i aint the extreme party animal either. I am unconventional and that makes me stand out, but what does that do? Makes me isolated cause everyone thinks i am cringy or too rigid or too studious or too whatever- they ll find a hundred words.
I thought my weirdness makes me unique. But ofcourse, i can see its the complete opposite, cause no one really takes me to be a long standing friend. I dont fit into any group.
I was a confident, robust, fearless individual. Now, i sit quiet in lectures while others shout the answers and get ahead. Why? Where did my fierce self go? I dont know.
My old friends, the ones i am no longer in touch with. They all post stuff and are enjoying their lives. They have found new people. Why do i feel like i am the only one having trouble making friends? I do go up and introduce myself, i do go up and make small talk. No use.
I go to an amazing uni, and am trying things that i never did before. But i am afraid to post anything i want to. What makes me scared or concious? I DONT KNOW.
Its annoying how i know that my low self esteem is holding me back on everything. I could be living a much more fulfilling life today. But i dont see how i am supposed to switch my thinking because i have nothing in me that i am proud of. I am looked deep down so hard, and everything that looks maybe nice feels insignificant because no one cares about those qualities.
Ultimately, i just feel like a mess. I really dont know what to do with myself. I am sick and tired of crying and feeling lonely and disgusted at myself.
Can someone maybe tell me what to do?
Hi Shizy and warm welcome to Beyond Blue
You are very down on yourself aren't you? So sorry to hear that. I'm just wondering if you've spoken to anyone about how you feel? E.g. close family member, your doctor or a health professional.
Talking does help sometimes to work out how to move forward. You say you can't change your thinking. Well, that's going to be difficult to make any changes to how you feel about yourself. Changing one's thinking is one of the most important aspects of lifting your self esteem.
You're not alone in how you feel Shizy. It takes a lot of work. Have you seen the thread under the Staying Well forum under the Caring for Yourself and Others category called - Do You Like Yourself? Your thoughts are welcome? There are some very interesting discussions going on there. Feel free to join if you want to.