Hello?

[StillBreathing]

Hi everyone. My name is Amber, I'm 23 years old, and this is an extremely daunting thing for me to do because I'm terrified of being viewed as a failure by others (even if I see myself that way).

Okay, let's start with what I assume to be the root of the problem. My mother is a single parent, and she encountered major health complications (brain surgery was required more than once) before I had started primary school. I was left in the care of a man who abused me. My mum got better, and that man faded out of the picture. Then my brother's dad came along, and he was violent towards the both of us. I'm irrationally afraid of being around men as a result of both of these things.

I never got around to finishing even year ten. That was the year everything kind of culminated and I suppose I hit my lowest point with depression, dropping out of school with less than one semester to go. I beat myself up for this regularly and hate myself for it, because I've tried since then to go to TAFE and just lacked the discipline needed to stick with it.I'm finding it harder and harder to find a way to pick myself back up the older I get, and I'm so terrified I'm going to be stuck in this rut for the rest of my life. I so badly want to do something to fix the train wreck I feel my life is, but I don't know where to begin... and I don't think I'd be able to muster the will to care enough to stick to it even if I could. I was also diagnosed with social phobia/anxiety at sixteen, and I don't really feel that has changed.

And so because of my fear of everything from judgment to phone calls and appointments, this is the first step I'm taking in trying. So... hello 🙂

[White_Rose]

Dear Amber

Hello and welcome to Beyond Blue. Congratulations on writing in to BB. The first post is always the hardest and you have now cleared that hurdle.

I feel so sad that you had so many horrendous experiences when you were a child. Like many other people on this site, I am disgusted with those who abuse children in any way. Children take these experiences with them all their lives and they do affect your life.

One of the effects is make you feel ashamed of yourself and believe you are a failure.  The reality is that you were not to blame for the abuse and you had no control. So the feelings of failure are false. Unfortunately the victim is often made to feel at fault which is then a double whammy.

It's not surprising that you are afraid of men no matter how good they are. The question you must be constantly asking yourself is how much you can trust any man.

When you feel so down about yourself you lose so much of your energy to do anything constructive. It can be the biggest mountain to set and carry out new goals. It's not a character failure.

You have made one great step towards wellness and that is great. The next step also requires some courage but you will find that once you take one step you can take another and so on. So the next step is a visit to your GP and have a discussion about the matters you have described above.

Doctors must be non-judgmental otherwise no one would want their services. Think of all the medical conditions that doctors deal with. They have no time to approve or disapprove of their patients and it's a waste of their energy. They want the person to get well and that's what they concentrate on. So make an appointment.

I suggest you take time to write a list of all the things that trouble you and take it the GP. You know how it is when you get there, half the things disappear from your mind until you get home. Very frustrating. You could copy your post and print it out and take that to your appointment.

It may be that the GP will want to refer you to a psychologist. Do not be scared about this. I have been seeing a psychologist for nearly two years. They don't bite and are very gentle. If cost is an issue your GP can write a mental health plan for you which will give you ten free visits to a psychologist. Once the visits are ending, you and the psych will discuss where you go from there.

Almost out of words. Please consider my comments and write in again.
Mary

[geoff]

dear Amber, hi and please excuse me because I'm a male but please I want you to feel safe with me, as I have been on this site for a long long time so I hope that you can please trust me, I know that this may have been said to you by other males, but I have just become a 'life member' for Beyond Blue, so I really hope that you can accept me as non threatening.

I only want to help you, so if you like you can ask the question on this site if I can be trusted.

OK so you know that everybody who suffers from depression always feel as though they are a failure, that's part of this illness, because I had a very successful self employed business, but it was all lost so I felt as though I was a failure, but now I believe that this disease was too strong and I couldn't overcome it, so now I accept this fact.

I detest any male taking advantage of someone younger who was not aware of what was happening, maybe they did know but they didn't have the strength to say NO, this is highly a despicable act of violence that should never happen.

I just want to send this reply of to you, just to see if you can accept me as a male who cares very much for you, just like I do for all the other replies I post to people. Geoff.

[PatT]

Hey Amber,

first and foremost you should never feel like a failure after having experienced what you have. You've been through a hell of a lot for someone your age and your fear of men is not irrational by any means. I can relate to how it feels, being stuck in a rut at that age. I was 19 when I started medicating myself with prescription drugs to try and manage my anxiety/depression/post-traumatic stress disorder and I feel into a pretty deep dark hole of addiction. It was incredibly hard to get out of but I managed.

The best piece of advice I can give you in a situation like this is to work on your personal problems before you try and dive into anything like study. I (reluctantly) had to drop out of university for a year while I went into rehab and sorted myself out. It's sometimes unrealistic to think we can pile on these extra responsibilities when we have underlying emotional trauma we haven't dealt with yet. Don't worry about being 23 and feeling like you haven't done anything yet. There's no golden rule that says at 23 you must have studied and must be working full time. People begin their lives at different times with different degrees of maturity and life experience.

The first thing I would recommend it finding someone to talk to about this. Speak to your GP and get a referral to a mental health professional to help you start working through your problems. I see two psychologists - one for my anxiety/depression and one for my PTSD and they have helped more than I could put into words.

Secondly, what are your hobbies? What do you enjoy doing and what takes your mind off things? Spend some more time doing those. We need to take care of ourselves before we can start trying to better ourselves.

Thirdly, I can relate pretty strongly to social phobia. It's taken me a long time to get past that one. That is something you can work on with a counsellor and also by putting yourself in social situations. It can be pretty anxiety provoking but from my experience the best way to get past something is to immerse yourself in it.

Finally, meditation. I know it might sound like some alternative new-age crap to some and I was a sceptic at first. But I'd say it has been the most useful skill I've learnt. Try guided meditation at first. There are heaps of youtube videos - chuck one on, sit down comfortably with your eyes closed and let the voice do the rest.

Don't hesitate to chat, all the best,

Pat.

[Tizlak]

Dear Amber,
Hello :-), a thousand mile journey starts with the first step! So kudos to you for making the first step I know my first post on an online forum took me about a month to will myself to post. I think i can relate to your situation a few years ago I was studying and during exams I just convinced myself i was gonna fail so i just binged on TV Shows, every now and again I would try to go study but end up thinking to myself i don't know anything and give up again.

The thing that saved me from failing all my units that semester was the simplest advice from a friend and that was simply to write a list of things that you want to achieve everyday and complete them. No matter how minuscule a task if you keep steadily completing them it all adds up. So I think if you go back to tafe and don't worry about it semester by semester but just tackle it day by day? Also you say you don't know where to begin i think you've already begun with this post!

Also never beat yourself up over things that have happened in the past, I used to stay up every night regretting all my life decisions and choices and it never changed anything it just made me miserable and made me regret my current life. It wasn't until i realized, yes i may have made mistakes in the past but those choices have defined where I am and i made my weaknesses my strengths, its a hard thing to do and it takes time to change your mindset but if you persist you can get there.

Anyways i hope i could help! By the way I think once you get your foot in the door into your studies you'll smash it! Not many other people can say they've had to grow up primarily on there own and live through what youve been through and come out the other side! Your a tough cookie and i hope everything works out 🙂
-Tizlak