Feeling lost with life
I suppose I am looking for some guidance. For the last 9 years i have felt like i have lost myself. Long story short, I developed an eating disorder when i was very very young. During this time I lost my best friend. We use to do everything together, always hang out on weekends etc.. Although sometimes, she wasn't exactly what others would call a best friend as she would often verbally abuse me and just be plain nasty i.e. tell me i couldn't hang with other people, force me to eat servings after servings of cake because i was skinnier than her and she wanted to make me fat, make me roll in mud etc. After our fallout, I moved schools within the same town and couldn't make friends, so i decided to focus on school and my grades, even on weekends i would spend the day doing homework. Consequently, with the lack of social interaction i developed social anxiety. I then moved towns and again schools, this time i became friendly with a group of people but i still didn't consider any as true friends as we would never hang out aside from school and i would always felt left out and couldn't relate. Again, i also focused on my grades and struggled to talk to people. At both new schools, people would often laugh at me and say things behind my back, things like that i was the devil or that i would just come home and stare at a wall all day. By my last year in high school i was truly recovered from my eating disorder and once I finished school and got my first proper job, it only lasted a month because my boss would verbally abuse me. So i spend my gap year staying inside the house. I then moved 600 km away from my family into the city to start university, hoping to start fresh, be a new person, and make friends. A year later, I changed degree as I was unsatisfied into a new degree that i still feel unsatisfied with but I'm still sticking with it. My plan to start fresh hasn't been going well, i can't make friends no matter how hard I try, nothing interest me anymore, I just sit at home in a house i rent by myself all day doing university work and just feel like I don't have a life. I've always felt that I was destined to do something great, but now I don't believe in this. My younger brother often tells me that no offense the last person he would want to be is me because i don't have a life. I feel like I've never been the same since developing the eating disorder, like I've missed a big part of my life and that everyone is getting somewhere in life except me.
Welcome to the forums and thank you for sharing. I feel like the first thing I want to say is that you are definitely not alone. When it feels like our own lives are falling apart, it can be easy to look at everyone else and assume that they have it all together. Not only is this definitely not true, but you don't need to compare your life to happiness to anyone else.
I'm sorry that you feel like your chance at a 'new beginning' didn't go the way you planned. Personally I have never found this mentality to work for me, so don't be too hard on yourself. I have made a lot of progress in many aspects of my life over time but it was achingly slow and hard to notice at first. But progress is progress. Give it some time and I'm sure you'll start to see signs of the change you're hoping for.
This is probably a bit cliche and something you've heard before but it got me through sometimes so I'll say it anyway: there will be people that don't like you no matter what you do. Some people are just negative or horrible for no reason and I'm so sorry that you've had so many negative people in your life but it's not your fault. And who's to say you aren't destined for something great?
I know it's much easier said than done, and it took me a long time, but one of my favourite feelings are the days when I muster up the courage to decide that, for a while, I just won't care what people think. I'll never make everyone happy so I may as well be happy. Also this one is a bit strange but it works for me; listen to a song that makes you feel really confident while you're walking somewhere or around the house. Music makes a huge difference to my mood.
Maybe you can try making little changes to your normal routine to make you feel more in control. Try a new hobby, text someone, sit in a cafe or park instead of at home, even just go for a walk. Something that breaks up the monotony until you can find something that you feel like you can carry on with and incorporate into your routine.
This turned out kinda long but I hope some of it is helpful. I have faith in you and I hope that you can find something to help you feel happier and more in control. Feel free to come back to the forums whenever you need and let us know how you're getting on.
All the best