Doesn’t change

[Rubi2]

Hi, I’ve never really done this but it’s currently nearly 1:30am and I can’t sleep. I’ve had trouble sleeping quiet a lot recently.

I’m done. Today was so hard I haven’t been the same since some things that happened in school and that was nearly 2 years ago. I never got closure on anything that happened and to be completely honest I never really recovered.

Everyday it just gets harder. I can’t stop thinking about all the things I’ve done wrong in my life. I hate work, my boss just finds every reason to bring my day down and honestly wish I could quit but I can’t due to uni and other expenses. Everyone is so happy these days all my friends are getting into relationships while I’m sitting here wondering what the heck is wrong with me. They all can’t hang out a lot anymore due to there relationships and are constantly cancelling plans last minute.

I don’t know what to do.

I never really got over the thing in high school because In a way every where I turn someone that was involved is there or something else to remind me. Honestly I know it probably sounds pathetic but if I’m being completely honest what happened sent me to the darkest places I had never been before.

I lost a lot of things because of what happened I lost friends, I lost myself and I lost control. I was a student who didn’t mind going to school but in the end I hated going to school and was too scared to even look at the people that where involved.

What happened followed me from high school to graduation to work and even university.

I’m currently 18 and really probably shouldn’t be feeling so down. I don’t find anything enjoyable any more, I’m to scared to talk to friends in case they judge and last time I spoke to family about it my dad lost it.

My family really hasn’t been the same since my nan died in 2017. We where all really close with her and although we where expecting it, it is still hard to deal with.

How and when will things get better because it never really changes. I’m done living like this.

[geoff]

Hello Rubi2, and a warm welcome to the forums.

It's so sad when a nan you love so much is not with you anymore, even though you know that no one can live forever, but then you start asking yourself so many questions which neither you or your family can never answer or justify, but it leaves you with a problem and that maybe PTSD, although I'm not qualified to say.

The harder you try to overcome these persistent thoughts the worse it will become and the deeper this concern becomes.

Your friends will not want to hear what you are thinking and certainly feeling after something that happened 2 years ago, instead, that needs to be done with a counsellor who can listen and understand why this still worries you.

Contact Kids Helpline on 1800 55 1800 or google them, along with Reachout, Sane or Headspace.

These can be used to talk online, on the phone or web-chat.

We'd be interested in how you get on.

Geoff.

[therising]

Hi Rubi2

I truly feel for you so very much as you struggle to not only make sense of things/life but also deal with people who don't have the ability to raise you out of the darkest of places (for one reason or another).

Looking back at my own years in depression (the years I have now gladly left behind me), a lot of it was about looking for guidance. Whilst there may have been a few scatterings of sage guidance here and there, the amount of guidance I truly needed was lacking. It can be incredibly difficult to find those who are conscious enough to raise us to the sort of higher consciousness we need; that which helps us make sense of the challenges and the way forward.

You face much challenge at the moment but, of course, I don't need to tell you that. Identifying what these challenges require of you, how they are asking you to rise to a clearer perspective so as to overcome them, is significant. Can you think of any sage like people in your life who tend to channel a bit of inspiration in the way of guiding others? This kind of person is definitely worth talking to. Don't look to anyone who tells you 'Get over it!' More so look to those who offer a way forward through managing each challenge constructively. Management is key when it comes to rising to challenges. Every time we manage to rise, we are in fact raising our self. I know that may sound a little simplistic but it's basically how I found myself coming out of my 15 or so years of depression.

The emotions in our depression can definitely become soul destroying and incredibly draining. I'm glad you came here to vent a little and share the struggles you're facing. You are obviously looking to raise your awareness. This is a significant factor in the way of coming out of that dark and sometimes lonely place.

🙂