depressed 19 year old virgin

[Richardb3]

hello to anyone that reads this.

I am a 19 year old male who has never had sex, had a girlfriend or even kissed anyone. I feel like a failure as a man. I am very depressed as a result, especially when hearing about other people my age or younger and their sexual experiences. It's like I am a small child still.

I had an eating disorder when i was 15 (over it now) which i believe is one of the key reasons as to why i am in this situation now. I regret that period of my life everyday.

Now lockdown is really screwing me over because I can't go out and meet people. I have started seeing a therapist but that isn't really helping because i can't go back in time prevent myself from getting to this point.

I really hate life and i don't know what to do.

[Sophie_M]

Hey Richard,

Thanks for joining the Beyond Blue community and sharing your thoughts with us, 

We're sorry to hear you feel like a failure and behind in life compared to others your age. Please know there is nothing wrong with you and that there are many people at 19 who have not had these experiences. We empathise with how difficult lockdown has made meeting new people. 

When you have previously been interested in someone, what happended? Please feel free to share with us your concerns as well as what you wish might be different moving forward. 

Our community is here to support you. 

If you feel that it would be beneficial to you to talk through your feelings with a counsellor, please, contact the Beyond Blue Support Service anytime on 1300 22 4636 or get in touch with us on Webchat 3pm-12am AEST here: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport

 

[Richardb3]

Hi Sophie, thanks for responding

I only liked 2 girls in high school. The first was in year 8 but i was quite shy and didn't really try to talk to her. I then developed a severe eating disorder which took my focus off of girls for a while, to say the least.

Last year (year 12) i liked a girl and talked with her a bit. I thought she may have liked me too, but nothing ever came of it.

I know that it is my fault that I am in this situation, with the eating disorder and a general lack of trying in highschool. It just makes me depressed that it all lead me here - 19 years old with no relationship or sexual experience. absolute fail.

[Hanna3]

Hi Richardb3

Being young is not always easy is it! Speaking as a woman who is much older than you I am sorry you are feeling like this! There seems to be so much pressure on young people to engage in sexual activity now.

You are only 19! That is so young. I don't know if you are studying or working and I'm sorry you've had an eating disorder to deal with too.

Take the pressure off yourself. The other people are probably bragging about things they've never done and know nothing about.

Why not wait for a fulfilling and meaningful relationship with a girl? I don't think casual sex is very meaningful myself.

Heaps of people older than you haven't been in a relationship yet. There is absolutely no shame in that! There is nothing wrong with pursuing your studies or job and I'd concentrate on having some good friends of either sex. Get used to enjoying being with people whose company you like, both girls and guys. Are there some interests and hobbies you can participate in with other people? These can be a great way to meet other people.

Try to get to know girls and young women as people first. Enjoy having them as friends.

There is plenty of time to meet someone you really care for and who cares about you.

I honestly hope you know that it's perfectly normal not to have had an intimate relationship at your age.

You sound like a good young person. Don't be in such a rush and stop feeling inadequate. You're not!

Be nice and friendly with young women. Treat them well. Be a kind and good friend to them.

You will meet the right girl for you one day.

Don't worry about what other people do or don't do. Do what is right for you.

Above all, be kind and respectful of women. They will appreciate you for it.

You will be fine. 🙂

[Richardb3]

Hi Hanna3,

Thank you for your response. I really do appreciate your advice and will do my absolute best to carry it with me going forward.

I just need my life to change in the area of sex and relationships as quickly as possible. i really don't feel good about my life - I feel like it can only be good if I am in a relationship and/or having sex. And now lockdown is just pissing me off because i am stuck at home. I just have no idea what it feels like for someone to love me. One of the best life experiences that everyone goes through as a teenager has not happened for me.

[Petal22]

Hi Richardb3,

Wellcome to our forums!

Your not alone, there would be many people your age that haven’t had those experiences yet and that’s ok!

When the time is right you will meet the right person…..

If you have heard of other peoples experiences it doesn’t mean they are true ……

Just take life as it comes and don’t try to rush it every thing will happen for you at the right time…..

Congratulations on over coming your eating disorder that takes a lot of work and courage… 😊

[Richardb3]

Thanks Petal22.

I just wish I knew when this would happen for me. There is so much uncertainty because it is not something that you can really force. It would be lovely if i knew the exact date that all of these experiences would occur. That would basically eliminate the anxiety and depression.

[Petal22]

Hi Richardb3,

I understand it would be nice to have certainly but nothing is 100 percent certain in life……. I believe that’s the magic of life we just keep moving forward and when we least expect it something amazing happens to us….

Always believe that something amazing is going to happen to you….. 😊

If your anxiety and depression is affecting your life I recommend you see your gp you could do a mental health plan together this will enable you to see a psychologist…

always here to chat to you 😊

[Hanna3]

Hi Richardb3

The lock downs make things difficult I understand. These are tricky times and probably not helping how you're feeling!

Can I say gently that desperation is not a good foundation for a relationship. Relationships are tricky. People's feelings are involved. A relationship will not necessarily solve things for you as it's bound to bring up new challenges.

Women are not just things to have sex with. They are people with feelings and plans for their lives just like you.

First time sex is often not very good. It takes time and patience and commitment for a couple to get this right.

Are there other ways you can feel better about yourself? Do you have friends who care about you or do you have family?

It sounds to me like other things in your life are needing attention?

Is it that you are lonely? It sounds like you are feeling generally unhappy and down on yourself.

I wonder if it's these things that need attention before you think about a relationship?

Maybe other people will come up with some other suggestions for you.

Maybe you can work on some things in your life that are making you feel unhappy?

I hope you will find some people here to talk to who can support you. Cheers mate!

[smallwolf]

hi Richardb3 and welcome.

I am just a mere male and will briefly mention a few (?) things from my experience.

1. I was much older than you when I "lost" my virginity. But for me it is also not case of meeting someone to jumping into bed... like crawling to walking to running. For myself, needs meaning but that is purely my perspective. What is yours?

2. when you walk down the street (or when you could/can) there is no mark on you that says "virgin" so many of the people you pass may be in the same group as you. Yet it is easy to think I am the only one.

3. when people tell you about their sexual adventures, do you think there is also a possibility of distorting the truth? It was great and .., when it might have been clumsy or something else.

4. media has a big impact on what we think.

So now to you... I understand these thoughts would make you less of yourself. And there is also so much more to a relationship is that is what you are after. Sometimes if we concentrate on the end goals we lose sight of how to get there.

A person said to me once about the stock market... if you only concentrate on money you will lose. If you ficus on the process and follow your rule, the money will come as a secondary.

replace the word money with sex?

Finally, it is good to hear you overcame an eating disorder and have started to see a therapist. Therapy takes time and I am sure there are many things that you are also good at. My experience is that a negative thought easily crushes any and all positives in our lives.

Hope some of this helps.