Completely new life?

[Guest_294]

Hi all,

so I have in the space of a couple days, submitted an application to transfer universities to ANU in Canberra from Macquarie University in Sydney. I’ve been advised that I am almost guaranteed an offer with my grades and GPA so I’m now thinking about logistics and the reality of moving away within the next few weeks...

how do you deal with such significant change? I have my whole family here, all my friends and my boyfriend. None of whom (except my family) know that I’m moving. I’m waiting until I actually receive and accept the offer to tell anyone.

I keep thinking about what it’ll be like not coming home and dancing around with my sisters or watching the footy with my brothers. Not having my friends a 10 minute drive away or seeing the same people I do every day. Not being able to turn around and steal kisses from my boyfriend who is such a significant part of my life.

I couldn’t do long distance I don’t think - I’d try, definitely, but I’m a very physically affectionate person. I like cuddling with him and kissing him and just being together. Talking on the phone just isn’t the same...

theres just so much that would change if I moved. It would be a great move! This is an incredible opportunity I don’t want to turn down and I know i will have an amazing experience living in Canberra and studying at ANU but it’s just all happened really fast and is a lot to take in.

I don’t know...any advice for when you lose everything you know like that? 😅 I know I won’t lose it all - they’re only a few hours away on the train but it’s going to be so different.

Thanks as always,

A

[Doolhof]

Hi Guest_294,

It might help you to write a pros and cons list, work out what will be beneficial and what might be difficult, then write down ideas for how you will be able to cope with the changes.

Is there any chance your boyfriend can move/transfer to Canberra as well?

How do your family feel? Have you discussed the situation with them openly and extensively?

We moved a couple of hours away from family and friends and that has been an interesting situation. Some people tell us we live too far away now and don't visit, yet it is okay for me to still visit them!

It sounds like you are a friendly kind of person, so making new friends might not be that difficult for you.

Sounds like you really want to go! Sometimes we just have to accept our choices and make them work!

Cheers to you from Dools.

[white knight]

Hi Guest, welcome

Well as it happens, a long time ago 1973, 4 days after my 17th birthday, I left Melbourne for Adelaide to join the RAAF. Imagine the changes? I'd had a short haircut the day before only to be told to get another then another. Then jetted off to Adelaide for recruit training, running, running, marching, running. New faces, yelled at, you name it.

But alas, over some weeks you settle in. I've no doubt you will in Canberra. Some of the things you list that you'll miss are, really, not priority are they? I mean this is your future, your career and so on. New friends....you will make them.

My then 16yo daughter was distraught when we told her we are moving towns. But she did make even better friends and now a 29yo teacher.

Cant say much more but that list Dools suggested might be worth a try.

TonyWK

[Guest_294]

I need to make a continuation of this post just over a year onwards. I have moved and have had the most incredible time doing so. I am so happy, happier than I’ve been, i think ever. I have a beautiful boyfriend and we are so in love and I am just in such a good place.

The only problem is, the one consequence of moving was I lost a lot of people. Which I did expect to of course, but some hurt more than others. In particular, my two best friends from Macquarie just completely cut me off. I have tried to many times to organise to see them, to call them, to text with them. On a couple of occasions they have eventually, after several days, messaged saying "sorry we were busy maybe next time." Most recently I have been home for summer, three months almost in Sydney. And I messaged saying let’s meet up, to which they emphatically agreed, definitely will try organise something. They never did. I finally messaged again saying I was leaving soon and it was probably too late but they responded with "so sorry. We’re both so busy, we barely leave the house. Have no time at all!" Which I understood, life gets busy. Since then, I have every day watched their Instagram stories or Facebook posts and they have caught up every day the last week and a half. Don’t have time? Don’t have time for me....

how can I bring myself to accept this and move on? I’ve been hurt so many times by the same people. I have repeated this situation over and over again and maybe that makes it my issue and I need to move on. But it hurts so much. I trusted them to be there for me like they said they always would be. I’m just finding it so hard to move on 😔

[white knight]

Hi, welcome again,

So happy for you after your decision. I'm also happy as I promoted you "take the plunge"

As for your friends...are they friends? Sure they were once but things change and not making time for you sums up their level of friendship- low.

I have felt the same level of rejection. I'm 63yo and went to school with what I thought was a lifetime friend. Our differences was on one topic- religion- me athiest, him Catholic and both eventually clashed when he mentioned too often how I should attend church- so sad. So after 35 years it ended. It still breaks my heart to think about it. But sensitive people do. You will find over time that some people think differently than you, these "friends" wouldnt even make time for you.

Just remember, when a few years goes by you just might get some contact and rekindle your friendships. So keep them on social media but try to move on.

It has only been one year and happiness has come your way. It cannot ever be perfect - life doesnt work that way.

Here is a few threads you can read to help you through this. Use search at the top

Who cries over spilt milk?

https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/online-forums/staying-well/who-cries-over-spilt-milk-#qt5QuHHzvGGEbv8AAOnT_A

worry worry worry

https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/online-forums/anxiety/worry-worry-worry#qhCDHnHzvGGEbv8AAOnT_A

The labyrinth of friendships

https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/online-forums/staying-well/the-labyrinth-of-friendships#qksqlHHzvGGEbv8AAOnT_A

Reply anytime, so glad for the update. Very nice of you.

TonyWK

[Guest_294]

I’m back after a fair while but I really need advice...so my boyfriend and I have now been together for a year and still going really strong. He lives in a different city to me when we aren’t in college together so between holidays and quarantine we’ve spent a lot of time long distance but it’s actually been really good for us and we’ve only grown stronger as a couple I find. The time we spend together is only more wonderful for it!! The problem isn’t the relationship and it’s really not even a problem at all...more just I don’t know how to respond to this. So his mum is lovely. A very kind soul and very welcoming - she has treated me so kindly from the second I met her. She’s also been really encouraging of our relationship but sometimes, for the fact we’ve been together for a year, it can be too encouraging...? For example, around 5 months into our relationship she told us we seemed so happy together and she hoped we had found our happily ever after in each other. That’s a lovely sentiment but it just seemed quite early to say that? Then more recently, he was listening to our playlist and she overheard him. When she asked what it was and he told her she said "oh my goodness your wedding reception is going to be so beautiful". Like...I appreciate that she clearly is hopeful and happy with us being together but sometimes it feels like a lot of pressure?? My parents are like the compete 180 telling me this doesnt have to be my forever and I should meet lots of people whilst I’m young and not to lock myself into anything. I don’t know how to respond to either of these...? It feels slightly strange to still be worrying about anything that isn’t covid 19 but I suppose quarantine is doing nothing but providing time to think so perhaps this is the best time to be worrying about this...either way, your advice and counsel is appreciated as always,

A

[Guest_294]

Sorry if this kind of post is annoying but I just don’t know what to do and I’m nervous my post might’ve gotten lost in the past few days...how can I respond evenly and appropriately to my parents saying to take it slow and question everything and his parents almost planning our wedding reception and honeymoon? Very confused by this situation 😖

[Guest_294]

God now I’ve just got stuff adding to this stress😣 my boyfriend might not be able to move back to Canberra with restrictions now and it means we may have to do another 6 months long distance...the more this all develops the more panicked I’m feeling. I just feel like I don’t know what to do. With his parents pushing and my parents resisting and now having to deal with these influences at a distance and maybe for a really long time? I don’t know what to do 😣 I’m sorry to keep adding to this but I’d really appreciate advice. I just feel like I’m not coping right now. So many times we’ve been on the phone and I’ve just started crying cause it feels so overwhelming. What do I do?

[Emmen]

Hey there A,

I understand the pressures that come with long-distance relationships and family pressures. My partner and I were long-distance friends turned long-distance lovers for a decade before we finally didn't have to deal with distance anymore. Our relationship too wasn't without expectations and resistance from our families.

Long-distance relationships are hard, I won't lie. You'll spend so much time missing them and wanting them by your side. But the main thing is for both of you to keep up with each other as you would normally. So those silly updates about what you're eating and doing? Random selfies and photographs of what's around you at the moment? Share those with him. Schedule a time to call based on your own talktime/text time preference (could be once a week or once a day, depends on you). And never stop looking forward to when you'll meet again. My partner and I used to countdown the months to encourage each other to stay positive. I even had a desktop countdown timer on my computer!

The whole issue with parents is harder to manage. What we did was really to try and ignore what we didn't like to hear or just give reasons to delay things. If your partner's parents are pushing for you to get married and whatnot, just tell them that it's still a few years away, that you both have got things to achieve in life now that you're still young etc. Any reason will do, you just want to get them off your back, really. And then let your relationship take its natural course, whichever way it goes. It can feel overwhelming and the anxiety can get bad, but it's important you and your partner support each other when dealing with families.

Lastly, it's okay to cry when things get overwhelming. I've cried so many times as well. But I also feel like getting through all that together with my partner made our relationship much stronger and we know how to support each other better than we could have without all these pressures.

I hope this has helped. Feel free to post more on this forum if you need to talk it out.

Take care,
Emmen