Another breakup

[Mousey22]

My girlfriend of (nearly) three years and I are breaking up. We have had several discussions before regarding things like money, getting a place together and what we want to do in the future. She doesn't have savings and I have been trying to tell her that she needs to learn to save money so that if we get a place together we can both contribute to bills and living expenses so that we don't have the bottom out of our pants. I am careful with my money and I understand how hard it is, I don't think she understands how important saving and working together is. I tried to explain my point of view as honestly as I could, but she ended up telling me she "misses me when she thinks of me but when we see each other she doesn't feel anything anymore", and she wants to travel. We've been together nearly three years and we have traveled a bit together which was fun, but I told her we need to knuckle down and start thinking about the future. I am 25 and in five years I will be a thirty year old man. I want a home together, I want a life and I want us both to be happy, but I think she has changed this year. We took so much time apart because I was studying and working so much and we couldn't see each other, we couldn't even talk every night because I was so flat out trying to grind it out and get my certificate to get ready for 2020.

I told her I am not interested in anyone else, I just want to work real hard in the next few years so that we could get our own place and make good on the things that we spoke about when we were travelling and still in that honeymoon phase.

I just don't know what to do, I feel so lost have been holding in my emotions at home as well as at work around family and colleagues. I am not angry at all, I am just so disappointed and upset that everything we said we wanted won't be now. I don't have any friends and the only member of my family that speaks to me is my mother. We don't see eye to eye on everything but she's actually a good person and I'm glad I have her.

I am so sick of this though, this is my second breakup in the last five years. My last breakup was after someone that I was seeing in another city and she was just after "fun time" and didn't want a future with me at all. This second relationship lasted a lot longer but now it is over and I blame myself. I am sorry for being so busy studying and working, I am just trying to put myself in a position where we could have some security and I could land a better job than what I have.

[DreamCatcher17]

Hi Mousey22,

I’m sorry to hear about your breakup.

By the sounds of things, in both relationships, you have been unlucky in love. Unlucky in the way of choosing people who just don’t have the same ideas or goals in life.

This may be hard to come to terms with, but from experience you may say to me, but we loved each other more than words could describe. Well, sometimes love isn’t enough. I was in a relationship for 2 years and i loved him like no other, but in the end we just wanted different things for our futures and couldn’t come to a compromise, therefore ending our relationship and going our seperate ways. (also the fact it wasn’t a healthy one). In terms of money, that can also have a huge impact on relationships example, my parents. My mum is very independent and very good at saving whereas my dad, not so much. He kept wasting his money (still does) and my mum couldn’t live her life trying to support a family with material things flying through our door everyday bought with mostly her hard earned money. Things like this can easily break a relationship. Some people just can’t get out of their habits and some people don’t want to either.

As humans we are dependent on each other, we crave love and when we get carried away it can blur out what we should be really looking into. eg. communication, goals, true personalities etc.

I would suggest, keep working hard, keep saving money, keep your goal in mind. Also keep your books open. One day hopefully you will meet someone who appreciates your hard work, and someone who has similar goals in life and someone who also has the patience to save money. Or maybe someone will come along who you will compromise with. Love sometimes means sacrifices (speaking from experience) but if it’s true love, it’s definitely worth it.

I hope this helps a little, and didn’t offend you in any way. Keep working hard, and keep your goals in mind. Someone out there loves you and the heartbreak will slowly fade.

Good Luck with everything my friend, lots of love

DreamCatcher17

[Croix]

Dear Mousey22~

I'm sorry the relationship did not work out. I read your previos posts in

Forums / Young people / I hate my family, can't afford to leave
Forums / Young people / Slept with a girl, she doesn't want to see me again
Forums / Young people / Stressed out

And understand the problems you have had at home, particularly with your father. I'm sorry you had words with you mum, I get the impression you are closest to her.

The first encounter with that young lady was as much inexperience as anything else, unfortunately you came across someone who did not want a long term relationship, and not surprisingly it ended abruptly. Great heart-ache, but you have since been seeing someone else. Now that too has finished.

I think you said you were not only studying, but also working retail too and end up with maybe 3-4 hours sleep at time, working a 50+ hour week.

I can understand why you do this, you want a qualification ,a reasonable job and to be financially secure, preferably in your own place. The problem is that this does not really leave you time to engage fully in a serious relationship.

Security and independence are worthy goals, however you are in effect sacrificing everything else in life to achieve these. The essence of a good relationship is to enjoy the company of a partner, and without that I'd have to question if what you want is likely, i.e. a relationship, and education and work, all at once.

Nobody that cares for a person wants to play second fiddle to their other priorities, do you think it might be possible to ease off your commitments? I don't mean cease them entirely, but maybe set your target date a little further away and have time for another person in your life?

You may see that if this were to happen and you found someone that cares for you then your priorities might change somewhat.

Do you think this is reasonable thing to think about?

Croix