Am I actually depressed or just sad/attention seeking

[Marnay21]

Hi 

For roughly the past 2 years (I don't remember exactly when it started) I think I have been feeling depressed. Generally, I ignore the feelings of sadness and push them down until something triggers them again. The only problem with this is I think I'm just looking for attention, instead of actually being depressed and I want someone to take notice of me for once. When I'm around my friends, I laugh and make jokes and I think I feel happy yet I still feel empty inside. 

The depression comes in waves almost, as in I'm fine one day then crappy the next, and have the most suicidal, self-degrading thoughts ever. Everything feels like it's just going to go straight down the toilet so I just don't try for anything anymore. Because of this, my grades have dropped and my mum yells at me about how "useless" I am and how I'm "wasting my talents" as I used to be relatively smart. (Dad isn't in the picture in case you are wondering). 

I'm sad so much that it physically hurts inside, as in my chest will tighten and my heart aches. But then if I google "depression symptoms" only one or two of the symptoms match what I feel so am I genuinely depressed or just sad and wanting attention? 

[Croix]

Dear Marnay21~

I"m glad you have come here to the Forum. at the moment you sound unsure about things but at the same time your life is not a happy one. You may well put on a face when you are with others, but that is just that, a face or mask. It may stop awkward questions and keep relationships going but as I found, meant I'm isolated and further away from others than  before. I also found if I needed to hide something about myself -that does not say much about what's inside me - a completely wrong idea that needs to be got rid of.

It is easy to hear other people talking about someone 'just wanting attention' and finding it difficult to know your own motives. Anyone who feels "I'm fine one day then crappy the next, and have the most suicidal, self-degrading thoughts ever."  is not just wanting attention, it's living a life that needs to be altered a LOT for the  better.

OK so you mum acts as if you were lazy or something. She simply has things wrong. Many parents do, and often it is becsue the real facts have not been set out for them.

I can relate to those mood swings, which dip down very low and just by myself was not able to improve my life. They just happened anyway and became frighteningly serious.

I'm good now, but in order to get where I am now I had to have proper medical assistance, and that starts by telling someone exactly how you feel - including the self-degrading and suicidal thoughts. Yes I can understand you may not want to do this, or may not feel you can, however it is the way up  and that first step is not as bad as you might imagine.

I picked who I was gong to tell (in my case a family member who was on my side) and I'm wondering who you might pick. At school there may be a teacher you have confidence in, or a counselor. At home mybe your mum? If you don't have these options then the best thing is to contact the Kids Help Line. They are 24/7 and also have web-chat.

I like them, they are not panic artists, are professional and have a great deal of experience with those under 25 and thier problems. Talking with them can be a real comfort.

Using Dr Google is frankly a waste of time, you need real people who can see the real you and what is happening, Google can simply mislead.

You deserve a much better life that you have had over the last couple of years, please make a start.

I really would like to know how you get on, we don't judge here so if you have difficulties, or disagree that is still fine, you'll be welcome always.

Croix

[geoff]

Hello Marnay, well genuinely being depressed and/or sad for a long time does mean you are suffereing from depression, although I'm not a doctor to say, but am able to say from my own experience.

You can try and push down these feelings, but that doesn't make them go away, they're still these and can quite easily come to light if something triggers you.

This won't mean there are on occasions laugh with your friends, but as soon as you leave them, that's when it starts to dig in again, because it's always there until you can finally sort out the reason why this is happening.

Seeking attention only indicates that you won't someone to help youand usually happens when you approach another person you like who you hope will listen and then help you.

Depression symptoms are only general ideas, but the person suffering from them may have different ideas that aren't mentioned, so you can't necessarily believe what's written down, although some may be true, but other thoughts can also be an indication you are suffering from depression.

Geoff.

Life Member.

[Marnay21]

I appreciate your response, but the problem is that it comes and goes. As in I'll be happy for like 3 weeks but then it all comes crashing and burning and I have come close to suicide many times. Do you possibly have any other advice?

[Marnay21]

Hello Croix, 

I have tried kids helpline before and all they did was keep trying to get me to tell them where I lived and not offer any actual support, so I do not think I will try that again. The only other people I could consider telling would be family and the only family I have left is my grandmother, aunt, uncle and cousins. 

My grandmother agrees with my mother and finds enjoyment in putting me down and I think she gets off on a high to my pain, and my cousins are under 18 and haven't been in contact for several years.

I apologise if it seems that all I'm trying to do is create problems but this is true and I am truly thankful for your reply

[Croix]

Dear Marnay21~

There is absolutely no need to apologize, everyone is different and sometimes suggestions simply miss the mark by miles. If the problem was a simple easy one I'm sure you would have coped, however it is not, and you deserve heaps better in life - and help to get there.

I can remember swings in moods, from quite OK for a while, then right down, where thoughts of taking my life was very much at the front of my mind. The trouble of course was they kept getting worse. You mentioned you chest hurts, mine certainly did when I cried.

I'm sorry you had a bad experience with Kids Help Line, I guess all services depend on the person that  answers the call. Another I could mention would be eHEADSPACE, which has a variety of supports for those under 25. Otherwise Lifeline (13 11 14) can be pretty good.

Not wanting to say where you are is understandable, the idea of losing control, having other people involved and family finding out is horrible. Even so it may be worth it, particularly if whoever you are talking with does take your wishes into account

In my case I agreed voluntarily to go to hospital, and that turned out to be a good move. I'm not saying you  need that, just the fact I was given a choice was the important bit.

You may wonder why I keep on about seeking assistance. That is simply becuse I had to have help, it got to the stage where there was no real choice, I could not go on as I was. When I did finally tell someone else it was an amazing sensation, a real weight was lifted.

So can I suggest you look around and see who might be best? It could even be a doctor. You are entitled to go in by yourself.  If your mum and gran are not a good idea any uncles or aunts?

I hope we can keep on talking, I found being alone was the worst.

Croix

[indigo22]

Hi Marnay21,

I am sorry to hear how confused you are at the moment and don't know quite how to handle it. The age group you are in is tough to get through at the best of times but without the support of your closest adults makes it even harder. I would like you to ponder on a few questions to begin with. Whatever the answer to these questions is fine, just want to try to help you get to the bottom of what started these feelings. There are many different forms of depression so try not to be guided by the internet for a diagnosis of what is happening with you, my gut feeling is that something has been a trigger in your life and it is very helpful to become aware of what that is. Just so you know, I began dealing with depression in my early teens but back then it was not noticed or recognised or talked about so I was oblivious. I just thought that I was born different, that I didn't fit in and felt so different from everyone around me. I first had suicidal thoughts at 25 and told my parents about it. The response from my father was "I don't understand that way of thinking" and from my mother (who burst into tears) "don't talk like that, I have already lost one child, I can't lose another one". At no point did either of them say, "let's get you some help" so I was left to my own devises. The fact was that the child she lost was my familial soul mate and was the trigger for my downward spiral, though I was not consciously aware of it at the time. I was not diagnosed until I had been pulled down so low by my life experiences that I sought a counsellor to help me understand what was wrong with me, by that time I was in my 40's and needed medication to get on top of it. So here are a few questions to ponder on.

You said your father is not in the picture, has this always been the case or was there a divorce or separation or has he passed? How do you feel about the fact that there is no adult male presence in your life?

Was there a loss of someone you cared a great deal about in the recent past? This does not have to be a death, it could be someone who moved away, someone who betrayed you, someone you where in a relationship with.

Did someone bully you either online or face to face?

Did someone say something to you that felt very hurtful and impacted how you feel about yourself?

Take your time and see if anything comes up that could have been the trigger for the feelings you been dealing with so we can figure out what needs to happen next.

I truly want to help you get through this stage in your life.

Sending you love and hugs,

indigo22