4 years in and it feels like it wont get better

[m-gal]

I am 21 now I first got depression and anxiety when I was 17. 

It doesn't feel like it will ever get better. I'm tired - of fighting this, of people, of everyone, who doesn't understand. 

My boyfriend of two years broke up with me two months ago, he said he didn't love me anymore. I miss him everyday and I feel like i screwed it up by not reminding him how important he was to me often enough. 

About 2 weeks ago my friend killed himself. His funeral was 3 days before my exams started. I study chemical engineering and I just can't concentrate. I miss him and I want to talk to him. And I keep thinking that if life hadn't gotten between us then we wouldn't have drifted like we did. 

I just want my boyfriend to come back. To remember why he loved me in the first place. I feel hollow and empty and I still have uni exams next week but I can't think straight. NO one understands. I feel so alone. I'm running out of energy. I don't feel like I can get through this. 

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[Jacko777]

Hi mojj,

I am sorry to hear how you are feeling mojj and I am glad you are talking about it. I hope you are getting some professional help to work on the depression and anxiety. I reckon you will find people on this site that understand what you are going through. Really sorry to hear about your friend mojj, terrible. You would understandably be upset and I hope you have time and space to grieve.

Something that has helped me in the past is allocating times in the day for thinking different things. If I am really challenged with something I try to allot time to think about it. In the rest of the day I try to defer my sad/negative thinking to it's allotted time, so that it doesn't take over my whole day. Do you meditate? It has helped me a lot to train my brain to focus on the positive and off the negative.

Love to you mojj, talk any time.

Jack

[Neil_1]

Hi there m-gal

Welcome to Beyond Blue and thank you so much for coming here and providing your post.

You’ve sure had a lot happening over recent times and all that combined really does mount up and this is all on top of the fact that you’re still battling away with 4 years of depression.

Now as you’ve mentioned you’ve had depression since you were 17 and are now 21, have you, or are you still seeking out professional help with this?   Appointments with a gp or a counsellor?  Perhaps anti-depressants?

I’m so sorry to hear about your friend who took his life – gosh, only 2 weeks ago.   This is still so raw and new and it’s no wonder you can’t concentrate at this current time.  You’re still in only your early stages of grief so you’ve just got to work through this period at your own pace and do whatever you need in order to help you get from one day to the next.   For this, I really do hope you’ve sought out professional help?

It sounded like you still had to go through with your exams?   If there are more, I would be definitely going to whoever runs the show to let them know what has happened and if you can somehow obtain a delay for your exam taking as you aren’t in the best frame of mind for them.   Surely there’d be leniency in this regard?

I’m also wonder (as I know nothing about Uni’s) whether they have counsellors at Uni’s?   Someone to seek out and to let them know some of the recent happenings for you – your friend, your boyfriend, etc – I hope this could be an option for you.

Along with Jacko, I too would welcome to hear back from you and hope you can post again.

Neil

[Mr__Brightside]

Hello. My name is Moriarty. I can't say that i'm an expert on grief. I've never lost someone close to me. I had a couple of scares though and i can't imagine what i would have done if it actually happened. Following the lead of the others, i hope you are talking to a professional about this. Please get back to me if you want to talk. i'm more then happy to listen  ~M

[Sophie_M]

Hi m-gal, thanks for posting.

You've just been through two significant losses and it sounds like you have so much going on outside of that. While everyone's experience is unique, it is common and understandable that people spend a lot of time going throuh 'what if' scenarios after losing someone, especially to suicide.

That you are still trying to do the things needed to pass your exams tells us you are perseverant and focused in life, even if you feel you can't focus on tasks right now. It can be exhausting to try and go through what you are going through on your own, and there are many people who may be able to provide some form of support and understanding, even if they cannot experience your same situation.

You are NOT alone. The experience of grief is normal, but it’s still painful and a person experiencing grief needs support. Losing someone due to loss of life or loss of relationship, both are considerable events that require us to look after ourselves more than usual.

If grief is not recognised and acknowledged, it can fester and have a detrimental effect on a person’s health and well-being. It is important to remember to:

• Stay connected to friends and family, and use support groups and/or forums as you are here. Because some friends may be inclined to stay away, let them know how often you’d like to see them.

• Don’t be afraid to ask for help.

• Stay healthy – Eat healthy meals, exercise regularly, get a good night’s sleep and keep use of drugs and alcohol to a minimum.

• Manage stress – Lighten your load by asking friends, family members or work colleagues to help you with some chores or commitments. Relaxation and gentle exercise can be helpful.

• Make time to participate in enjoyable activities.

There are a few resources particularly that may be of help to have a look at as well.

Grief and Loss

Reactions to Trauma:

Ways of Responding to Trauma:

We also wanted to take a moment to acknowledge your closing comment - "I don't feel like I can get through this". We aren't sure if you mean the grief, the exams, or coping with the pain that can come with depression. We want to remind you that there is always somewhere to turn, and as much pain as life can bring, there are also time we can tell you were happy, feeling love, acheiving your goals,  etc.

It's so important to keep looking after yourself and stay safe. Speaking with the uni counsellor can be important, especially through the exam period to make sure that if extensions or consideration is needed, it will be available. Also, speaking with the mental health supports you've used in the past such as your GP or any counsellors, to get back on top of things and stay ahead of anything becoming harder.

If you aren't connected with those supports immediately, you can always contact us or speak with www.eheadspace.org.au to set up scheduling with a regular counsellor free of charge online or over the phone. If at any point you are unsure if you are safe, please call the mental health team or 000 if you think you may not be able to keep safe and need immediate help in doing so.

We hope that the online community here provides you with helpful support that also empowers you to continue moving forward. Take care and don't hesitate to contact our support service if you would like any information, referrals, or brief support to do with depression and anxiety. They can be reached 24/7 at 1300 224 636 or online via webchat daily from 3pm-midnight.

[m-gal]

I just can't switch my brain off that way. If I let myself actually think about how sad I feel then I completely break down and feel like I can't move. 

I don't know how to get better. 

I talk to a professional but only once every 3 weeks or so. 

[Jacko777]

Hi m-gal,

I didn't know how to get better either m-gal. But with the help of professionals I found out how and I did get better and so will you. It's a journey of making small changes that brings some happiness and calmness.

I am wondering if you feel the treatment your professional is offering is sufficient? I presume you are telling them how you feel, you are seeing them often enough I would think. In the past it has helped me to write down things that I have been thinking to take to my counselor, it helps me to look at my self and to explain my issues to someone else.

Can you spend some time each day doing something positive that engages your mind and makes you happy or is that difficult? Lots of love to you. 

Jack

[PatT]

Hi M-gal,

that's truly awful to hear and I'm so sorry for your loss.

Regarding exams, have you given any thought to applying for a deferred or supplementary exam later in the year? I had a bit of an emotional crisis last year just before my exams and applied for a disqualification on those grounds and the uni were more than happy to let me resit them at a later date. Universities are almost always willing to make exceptions in difficult times.

I completely understand how you can feel like your own issues screwed up the relationship, but taking that burden on ourselves does too much damage and is mostly beyond our control. I've messed up relationships in the past with my anxiety/depression and blamed myself for months and months. Unfortunately we suffer from something that isn't our fault by any means and it is near impossible not to project it into our other relationships. Spouses, friends and family often have so much trouble trying to understand what we are experiencing, and to them it's either too frustrating to manage or they feel uninvolved when we need so much time to ourselves.

That coupled with the grief you're going through is a pretty bitter recipe right now. Although the pain is still raw I promise you it does pass. You are completely entitled to feel how you do at the moment but I hope you are taking some steps to try and manage it.

Have you spoken to a GP/counsellor/psych? Just having someone to speak to face-to-face does a world of good. Try and stay in contact with your friends at the moment. They should be one of your first avenues of distraction. I am positive they can sympathise with what you're experiencing so don't hesitate to lean on them a little more now than usual.

Not sure if you've completed your exams now but if so I hope that's been something taken off your chest. You need to take good care of yourself now. Don't spend too much time by yourself, don't spend too much time at home either. Get out of the house, do something that engages you. Whatever your hobbies might be, immerse yourself in them right now and make this period about you.

Three things that help me - exercise, meditation and spending time with my mates. They can seem like the most difficult things in the world to do at times like this, but if you force yourself, I guarantee you will feel immeasurably better.

Hope things start improving,

Pat.